George White's Open Salon Blog

See you on May 22nd (I hope)

Fri, 20 May 2011 17:05:16 -0400

I’m sure you have all seen the various Rapture related stories and posts in the media, including the Blogosphere. They are everywhere, and in the interest of full disclosure, I myself have posted a story on what may be my award winning column at (insert shameless plug) www.examiner.com/memphis, (I have no idea what award, but you never know, right?).

The stories for the most part shed doubt on Harold Camping’s prediction of total world destruction. Now, I would expect this from some quarters, but what is interesting to me is that many casting aspersions on Camping’s views are in fact Christians, or at least claim to be.This leads me to ask of anyone who might be of the Christian persuasion this question; Do Christians believe any of their own teachings? Let me illustrate what I mean.

Three pastors were discussing how they each divvy up the weekly collections. The first preacher says “I draw a cirlcle on the floor with chalk, and then toss the money into the air. Whatever falls inside the circle I keep, the rest goes to God.The second preacher says “I draw a line in the middle of the floor with chalk and toss the money up in the air. Whatever falls on one side is what I keep, and the rest I give to God.The third preacher, who looked a lot like Jimmy Swaggert and was wearing Gucci loafers, an Armani suit, and drove a Cadillac Escalade said “I just toss the money into the air, and what God catches, He can keep”.

Now, I have told this story to Christians before and they have laughed their heads off. My question is; why is that funny? Don’t they believe that their God could actually freeze that money in midair, or make it vanish? After all, He is all powerful, is He not? Wouldn’t most of you soil your undies if the All Mighty presented his/her self in this fashion? So, why is it that so many Christians poo-poo the idea that the end might really be near?

I’m not taking any chances myself. I have stocked up on Jagermeister, popcorn, porn DVD’s (in case the internet goes down), and Heiniken. I want to be ready for when all my Pagan friends come over after the big event occurs. And if you’re a Christian, and you laughed at the aforementioned joke, and now you’ve been left behind, don’t worry, you’ll be in good company.

OS, Food trucks, Linda Seccaspina, and memories

Wed, 13 Apr 2011 09:04:26 -0400

The recent post by the lovely and vivacious Linda Seccaspina brought back many memories as I noted in the comments on her blog. Yes, I too remember the food truck, although not in San Francisco. The truck I remember was in Germany and came from our PX system. We called it “The Roach Coach”.

This bearer of belly bombs brought out to our bivouac sites all the things necessary for a soldier on survive on while out on maneuvers. What amazed me is how in the hell they always managed to find us, no matter where we may have been.

And the things it would bring! Pre fab cheeseburgers encased in a small plastic bag guaranteed to give you the shits.

You could put an old one in a sock and use it to knock the hell out of someone.

Hot dogs on soggy buns that were so rubbery they would snap your teeth out of your head.

Of course there was always the commercial brand of junk food available; candy bars, potato chips, sodas, cheddar cheese and peanut butter crackers (which we used to counteract the shits after eating the cheeseburgers).

The truck also brought shaving cream that rarely foamed, toothpaste that tasted like plaster, shampoo that would make your hair look like a frightened beaver, and deodorant that smelled like a French prostitute on Sunday night after the Navy pulled out (um, left the area).

Ms. Seccaspina’s post also reminded me of my days as a trucker. I didn’t haul food on a regular basis, but I certainly ate my share of it, and as a result, it is easier to jump over me than to run around me these days. The two most dangerous words in the trucking business; TRUCKER SPECIAL!

Whenever you saw those words at a truck stop, especially one that had a fast food joint either on the premises or adjacent, goods eats were to be had in abundance. Truck stops offered such things as two foot long hot dogs for a buck with a cold drink or hamburgers the size of truck tires with mounds of greasy, salty fries. If you were there for breakfast, you might get a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, a pound of hash browns, and a gallon of coffee for a few dollars.

Several truck stops had a deal that if you could eat a three pound steak within a set period of time, your meal was free. The heart bypass was at your own expense (but they might hook you up with a discount). Rolaids were like after dinner mints.

And if there ever should be a law passed prohibiting any activity, it should be in effect at those travel stops in the middle of the highways like they have in Florida, that pump in the smell from the place that sells those damn cinnamon buns. It is like the crack cocaine of food! Just one of those things could feed a family of eight in some countries for several days.

So, the next time you are on the road, or at a festival where the food trucks are lined up like the Macy's parade , pause a moment and thank Ms. Linda Seccaspina, OS Blogger extraordinaire, and myself if you like, for reminding you of all that delicious food just waiting to be inhaled.

As for me, I will race Ms. Seccaspina to the fried Snickers booth!

Response to Gunny's "Making Love" post.

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 16:04:31 -0400

Now I’m old and feeble, and my pilot light is out,

what used to be my sex appeal is just a water spout.

I used to have trouble in the mornings,

trying to make the thing behave,

as it stood out from my body,

and tried to watch me shave.

But now I’m old and feeble,

and now I have the blues,

the stupid thing hangs down my leg,

and watches me tie my shoes.

Reponse to Aging OS Blogger Michelle Motoyoshi

Thu, 24 Mar 2011 19:03:13 -0400

I’ve just had the pleasure of reading the post by one Ms. Michelle Motoyoshi, an attractive young lady if she is using her real picture instead of an avatar (I have discovered that many people use avatars in lieu of their real pic. I was relieved because some made for strange looking folks). I address my post to her.

You don’t appear to be that old, but it seems that someone said you look good for your age. I guess you took umbrage at the remark and I can understand why. It’s kind of like saying, “Gee, you don’t sweat much for a fat girl” at the high school prom.

I am responding to your post because I think you should know that it doesn’t get any better. When you get to be my age or older, then you’ll really have some experiences, unfortunately, you may not remember them.

At my age, you walk into a room and forget why you’re there. You spend 15 minutes looking for your glasses only to discover they are on your face.

I put my cell phone down next to my computer once, and was trying to mouse over something. I began to freak out because my cursor wasn’t moving, only to realize that I had the cell phone on the desk sliding it around.

Another time I was talking to my daughter in North Carolina on my cell, and I said “Dammit!” She asked me what was wrong. I told her I just had my phone, now I can’t find it. She asked “What are you talking on?” I clutched the phone to my ear and said “Never mind”.

Let’s talk about better living through chemistry, shall we? My wife and I take pills for just about everything; arthritis, bursitis, colitis, diverticulitis, gout, rout, GERD, stuff for your heart, and stuff to make you not fart.

We take so many pills that once we made love after taking our nightly dose, and we sounded like a pair of maracas.

On the other hand, however, getting old(er) can be a bit of fun. You can say and do things that younger people can’t get away with. I was at Walgreens picking up a grocery bag full of meds and the kid behind the counter says “Do you have any questions for the pharmacist today?” I said” Yes, I do. Does a dog have four armpits or two crotches?"

So, enjoy yourself Ms. Motoyoshi. The worst thing you can do is let yourself get like some of the lemony faced geezers who blog here and make comments about how they don’t understand your humor while posting blogs of their own that are as cheerful as having hemmorhoids and an overdeveloped gag reflex in prison.

OS Blogger announces book by Caitlin Kelly

Mon, 21 Mar 2011 16:03:31 -0400

I’ve just read the post by a Mr. Cranky Cuss lauding the upcoming release of a book by Ms. Caitlin Kelly entitled “Malled, My Unintentional Career in Retail”. I was intrigued mostly by the responses Mr. Cuss received in the comments section of the blog.

Just about everyone who commented told Mr. Cuss that they admired him for posting about Ms. Caitlin’s book, however some withheld a rating because apparently Ms. Caitlin has ruffled a few feathers here on OS with her posting about how other peoples blogs do not interest her.

Most were kind, saying that they loved Mr. Cuss’s post and his generosity; others said things to the effect of “The only drawback to reading her stuff online is I would have to print out her posts to paper train my puppy” or “I would rather swim in a shark tank wearing a pork chop speedo than read anything that snooty bitch wrote” and so forth.

Ms. Kelly herself responded by saying of her book “It's already attracting attention from many national media outlets, the AP, Washington Post, USA Today and Marie-Claire, so far.”

After reading Mr. Cuss’s post, a few important questions came into my mind. Are Mr. Cuss and Ms. Caitlin somehow related? Is she secretly Mrs. Cuss, and are there any little Cusses about? Does anyone really read Entertainment Weekly? Would I look good in that red dress? Are Ms. Caitlin and Drew-Silla one and the same?

I also noticed that Mr. Cuss received 20 ratings, 356 views, and 35 comments on his post. In a shameless act of self- promotion, if I wrote a post about his post, would I be able to capitalize on that? If so, would that then attract Ms. Caitlin’s attention, and maybe she could put in a good word for me to the AP, Washington Post, USA Today, and Marie-Claire? Will she notice I am using visuals as she referred to in her blog "15 Reasons I Don't Read Most Blogs"?

Would Ms. Caitlin or Mr. Cuss help me promote my new book, “Balled, My Unintentional Career as a Father Because I Thought the Rhythm Method Meant Screwing to Music”?

And last but not least, Is Jesus really coming back on May 21^st of this year like it says on the billboards? I don’t have a thing to wear.