Okay, Not Really Leering

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:06:45 -0400

"Is it always like that for pretty women? Everywhere they go, guys are approaching/leering at them (you)..it must be hard...especially when all you want is to be left alone..."

I liked this question from CW. It led me to examine my feelings on the whole dynamic. Maybe as recently as a year ago, I would have written a very different response, one with a lot of blame in it.

My post a couple days ago noted that during a walk, I ended up chatting with a guy at an ice cream shop along the way. My town is small and pretty friendly, and I worked in the main grocery store as produce manager, the first smiling face for every customer as they walked in the store. Even just from me working a lot outside on my homes, and walking, many people who live here in this town recognize me or I, them. Often, people wave at me when they drive by me walking or riding my bike. I wave back, sometimes thinking "do I know them?" and other times recognizing exactly where I know them from.

Well, this guy waved, I waved back, didn't recognize him. About 20 minutes later, there he was, sitting on one of the picnic tables outside the ice cream shop as I walked by. He motioned me over, I walked over, and there were a couple moments of awkward... "I've seen you out walking several times..." "Yes, I think that was you waving from your car a little while ago" "You always look so happy, and healthy, when you are walking... Here have a seat for a minute with me..."

And here is where I need to say that I don't get leered at so much any more. And that is a good thing.

When women are young (in years or in wisdom) and really concerned a LOT about outer appearances, we pretend the leering validates us. Deep down, we really know that it is not even seeing the real US, we just appear as a possible promise of some hunger being satisfied in the leerer. It is really about them, and us as an object. But the leering is what we get, so we pretend it satisfies us, and we work hard to look the ways that give us those leers. That is what we are supposed to do and be, right?

I think it is normal behavior for teenagers and early twenties or so. It is about finding a suitable mate. Like peacocks or sandhill cranes. Baboons or wolves. We all have our courtship times, where our instinctual jobs are to show off what great offspring we would produce! :D We look at and are drawn to people who seem "right" visually, or their scent, or whatever attracts us physically. Normal phase of life. A dance.

But somehow, it has gotten skewed. Have I ever mentioned my views of porn? Laughing. Porn, and the now normal culture of soft porn everywhere, has skewed the image of sexy woman into a caricature. She is now about 14 years old in the face, a boy's shape in the body, except for huge round breasts on top of a thin body. Of course any other naked woman's body will do, but this is what sexy is "supposed to look like" now. Like that Heidi Montag--who dutifully paid attention to the rules and internalized and built herself into a walking, talking cartoon exterior.

So she can be leered at.

When we as women have so little confidence in our maturing inner AND outer self that we give up on working on the inner to pursue the forever young face, the big breasts, the little boy body, is it any wonder that we get sick in our hearts and in our spirits, and get angry and hard and bitter and competitive and mean? We are told the way to be valuable, but it is a way that IS DOOMED TO FAILURE, AND WE KNOW IT, AND WE KEEP TRYING. And we look in the mirror, and see something that just looks unnatural, and aging anyway, and still not the little boy body perfection, even if we have pretty new breasts or the wrinkles erased, that we bought with such high hopes. We are constantly reminded we are not perfect or sexy, and that is what society wants from us. In our minds, no more leers = no more value.

So that is my own part in giving up on my real self, the self that is glorious BECAUSE of my maturity, my growing inner wisdom, my dawning awareness that the outer will age, and allows the inner to flower, because the shift in focus allows energy to be given to my spirit's growth, rather than my skin's primping and prettifying. But I have to have the courage to get off the merri-go-round of advertising, porn, and attention that promises validation. I have to give up the shallow to reach the deep. It is going to the desert first, to give up the illusion. And it is scary, because what if there IS nothing beyond the shallow?

Trust in self.

I love writing here in my journal.

So the men's side of it? My judgement? My humble opinion? It is a laziness. Men guide the porn industry, men for the most part guide the advertising industry. Much of those are driven by profits. What will sell more porn? It is dangerous but seductive and seems harmless... "these girls want to do this, they make good money" "Yes, right, they SAY they are all over 18, these teens." It is selfishness, easy pleasure, when in the backs of their minds, if they would go there, they know that these are real girls, that they are pretending to be turned on, and then cry and throw up off camera after some of these things. These are someone's daughters, learning all the wrong things about their own value.

As children, it is natural to grab a toy away from another child if we want it. That does not make it set in stone that that is how we are wired to act. We train ourselves, sometimes with great effort, to move past our childish behavior.

Yes, men are wired to look at women in a sexual way.

I LOVE sex. Sex is beautiful and fun and oh, dang actually I really miss it right now! (Oh, where did that come from?!!)

But when men allow themselves to not grow up and continue to allow their minds to stay in the hormonal place of a teenager, viewing women as objects to be used for their pleasure, they force themselves into a mindset that permeates more than just when they THINK they are allowing those thoughts. It is a mindset that a woman senses in a man. It is a mindset that rightfully so makes a woman distrustful in the respect she can feel from him. Because at his core, he has not demanded that he grow up and learn how to value humans as humans. He has not grown up from a teenager, and he can PRETEND to view her as a whole human being in his actions and to her face, but in his core, he sees women as objects. Little boy, grabbing for his toys, in his mind, making toys out of real human beings who are wanting to not have to be a toy anymore, who are wanting to be seen for their whole heart and spirit and imperfect body.

It is exhausting to look perfect so you can get the shallow leers, and pretend that they validate you.

I imagine it must feel empty to just leer, and not grow up enough to have a real woman trust in you to your core, because you haven't been able to step into the desert, to pass the shallow pleasure and look for the deeper relationship. Takes trust and faith that it will be there. Empty relationship, shallow, not trusted, makes the man feel empty, not known for his heart. Lazy way out gets shallow results. Going to another woman will get the same result. She will look to the SAME YOU for your integrity and trustworthiness. Is it really there yet? Or are you still allowing yourself to be a selfish teenager in a man's body, then blaming her for not seeing you as a man?

Yeah, so there is my blabbing for today. I don't get leered at anymore. I am starting to sense when someone feels too needy. I am starting to recognize when I am feeling needy. When I am feeling strong, I am attractive to women and men and kids. And dogs and cats. Giggling. Why? Because I am overflowing from my REAL SELF of confidence that I am whole and have the important stuff in abundance. And that is love.

We attract to us people who are at the same level as us, and who can help us heal. Yes.

S M's Open Salon Blog

Okay, Not Really Leering