Sandy Sand's Open Salon Blog

Satire:White Supremacist to Give Second Inaugural Invocation

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 11:01:43 -0500

Feeling that Rick Warren wasn’t enough to prove he means what he says about talking with those with whom he disagrees, Barack Obama asked another controversial person to speak at his inauguration.

In an astonishing announcement, President-elect Barack Obama sent the country reeling and left loquacious pundits speechless by announcing a last minute speaker.

At a hastily called press conference, Obama spokesman Hasty Call, said the president-elect invited white supremacist, self-ordained preacher man and president of the South Shall rise Again, Langford T. Rednecker to give the second invocation.

Saying he is passionately determined to bring people of opposing views together, Obama defended his choice of Rednecker to speak at the inauguration, to prove he meant what he said.

“It’s beside the point that Rednecker is a disgusting individual, who is still living in the 19^th Century, and a white supremacist who wants to re-enslave all American-Africans, or kill us off and still wants the South to secede from the Union.” Obama said.

“This is still a free country and he has the Constitutional-given right to express his opinions and goals no matter how outrageous, disgusting and offensive they are, or how much they are contrary to everything we stand for,” Obama added, “everyone should have a place at the discussion table.”

In that light, Obama also said that after he’s sworn into office he will arrange for Warren, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to sit across the table from each other and have three cups of tea as suggested by radio talk host Thom Hartmann to discuss their differences.

Hartmann said this long-standing tradition of having three cups of tea while discussing differences of opinion have swayed some minds to take more moderate positions.

Skeptics fear that rather than talking, Warren, who has advocated assassinating Ahmadinejad, will smite him with his mighty “god-blessed” sword.

Those same skeptics also wonder if Warren, who has firmly entrenched beliefs, and has compared gay marriage to incest and bestiality; is anti-abortion under any circumstances; and doesn’t believe in evolution can ever be changed to a more moderate view no matter how many cups of tea he drinks or rational arguments are made to him.

Agreeing with Obama’s position is Vice President Elect Joe Biden, who said the “ultimate reconciliation” amongst us is accomplished through discussion.

In keeping with Obama’s determination to expand meetings of un-like-minded people, he’s arranged for colorful discussions among devotees of feng shui to meet with proponents of Chinese modern, French provincial and new wave ultra modern decorators.

Geraldo Rivera will anchor debates among chair-throwing political candidates.

He’s more than likely barking up the wrong tree in suggesting that dog people can meet with cat people and not scratch each others eyes out.

Separate cages will be needed for the zoo people versus game park enthusiasts.

Jerry Springer will moderate the debate between beer drinking, wife swapping trailer park trash and members of the Emily Post Society.

Speculators agree that it will be a cold day in hell if lovers of chocolate ice cream can reach an accord with vanilla or strawberry lovers. Resolute that they are correct, fans of Chunky Monkey and Chubby Hubby have refused to participate.

In discussing the upcoming Difference of Opinion conferences, Obama Press Secretary B. Levy Mee, said no meetings will be scheduled between Cubs and Sox or Yankees and Mets fans.

“It’s just too dangerous,” Mee said.

Because of the recent shoe throwing incident in Iraq and the public outrage at Obama’s selection of the gay-woman-science-hating Warren and the hate-everyone-but-his-own-sleazy-kind Rednecker to give the invocations, the Secret Service has issued orders that all inaugural attendees will have their shoes Crazy glued to their feet.

Hartmann: http://www.opednews.com/articles/Three-Cups-of-Tea-for-Rick-by-Thom-Hartmann-081218-45.html

Another Economic Casualty: Motion Picture Hospital to Close

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:01:56 -0500

One by one San Fernando Valley, a sprawling bedroom community of Los Angeles, icons are disappearing. The latest is today’s announcement of the closure of the Motion Picture & Television Fund’s country hospital and convalescent home.

The first icon to go this year was the internationally known Sportsmen’s Lodge in Studio City, which closed its doors for the final time on January 1. The closure was due to an irreconcilable dispute between the land developer owner and the operator of the restaurant and banquet facilities.

News of that closure was most disheartening for thousands of residents who -- over the years -- celebrated happy occasions there from weddings to anniversary parties and every celebratory time in between.

That closure can’t compare to the sadness and devastation felt by the patients and employees of the MPTF's hopital and convalescent facilities.

The first icon to go this year was the internationally known Sportsmen’s Lodge in Studio City, due to a conflict between the land developer owner and the operator of the restaurant and banquet facility closed it doors for the last time on January 1.

Now it’s the MPTF hospital. Founded in 1921 by movie pioneers Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks and D.W. Griffith, the non-profit group serves the families of approximately 60,000 motion picture and television workers.

Throughout the years most patients have been behind-the-scenes industry people, such as cameramen and make-up artists, who don’t earn the mega salaries of the industry’s stars, although many stars have taken advantage of the multi-purpose 40-acre facility.

The closure of the hospital and long-term care facility by the end of October will cost 290 people their jobs and force 100 elderly patients into local facilities. Reasons for the closures are a $10 million yearly shortfall in revenue and reduced Medi-Care/Medi-Cal payments.

Scheduled to remain open are the cottage residences, assisted-living facility, health clinic, other health care and recreational services.

It’s hoped that the Alzheimer’s wing of the hospital will remain open by obtaining state and federal money. The Alzheimer’s wing is named Harry’s Haven in honor the father of actor Kirk Douglas, who with his son, actor Michael Douglas, provided much of the funding.

MPFT: http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_11456995

Sportsmen’s Lodge: http://www.dailynews.com/search/ci_11359534?IADID=Search-www.dailynews.com-www.dailynews.com

L.A.: 18 Pols Arrested For Cruelty to Billy the Elephant

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 14:01:27 -0500

In what had to be the most unusual SWAT raid in the history of the Los Angeles Police Department, 18 two-man teams of the elite units swarmed the homes of Los Angeles and San Fernando Valley politicians arresting them on charges of animal cruelty to Billy the elephant.

The early morning quiet was broken by wailing police sirens and the pre-dawn dark was sporadically interrupted by flashing squad-car lights as police surrounded the homes.

The incident began hours earlier when, according to a police spokesman, the SWAT office was stampeded by angry residents and phones were swamped with calls demanding that the entire city council, the mayor, city attorney and zoo director be arrested for animal cruelty.

The elephantine problems began when two elephants died due to their confined space, which resulted in severe foot problems that are common among captive elephants and that leads to incurable infections and death.

The City Council decided to approve $42 million to build a 3.6-acre elephant park for Billy and then get a couple of female companions for him to trumpet over, even though game preserve experts say it takes four acres per elephant to maintain them properly.

After spending a hay-load of money, about $13 million plus, they ran out of funds, the second of two female pachyderms died, the drumbeat began to give Billy up to a game preserve in Northern California and the natives began to get restless…very restless.

Concerned elephant people insist Billy is dying of loneliness and has developed tics, such a head-bobbing, head-banging and swaying.

Saying they’ve already spent thousands on the park, council members insist the elephant park should be finished. The opposition says they can finish it and provide the space to “smaller” animals like giraffes that don’t need so much acreage per animal.

The council is scheduled to make its final decision on Friday.

In light of all the controversy, the LAPD took the angry calls from restless citizen calls very seriously when officers realized how adamant people were to take maters into their own hands.

If police didn't take steps, angry residents would become a thundering herd, making citizens' arrests of all the offending city officials who have steadfastly refused to turn Billy over to a sanctuary in Northern California.

"We've never seen anything like it," said LAPD's community relations Sgt. Leo Lyons.

"It was kind of weird," Lyons added. "As angry as people were over Billy being confined in a small area in the zoo, and as much as they want to see him moved to a sanctuary, they went about it peacefully.

"It was a reserved version of an angry, torch-bearing crowd marching on City Hall," he said.

"They did the right thing by coming to us."

Bill Feral, president of the Save Billy Club, noted that there are laws to protect animals from abuse, and citizens were just trying to get those laws enforced.

"We had to do something to save Billy," Feral said.

"There was pachymonium," said SWAT Lt. Hank Ketchem. "It was obvious that if we didn't do something, the people who want to save Billy would become a thundering herd and try to make their own citizens' arrests. People were determined in their willingness to do just that if we didn't act on their behalf."

Upon hearing the news of the arrests, comedian/actress Lily Tomlin, who has been quietly and politely lobbying nationwide on behalf of the pachyderm, silently smiled while nodding her approval.

After Hector Tovar said in his L.A. Times column that, “A zoo without elephants would be a loss for the children of L.A.,” you could almost hear the “Yah! Right!” dripping with sarcasm from Tomlin who said such illogic has no merit.

Tomlin stressed that thousands of children know everything there is to know about dinosaurs and love them dearly, yet none of them ever saw one.

Conversely, and not surprisingly, there was the opposite reaction from council members who were arrested.

"We couldn't believe it," said one clueless, mystified councilman who demanded he remain anonymous to protect his safety. "It was a humiliating experience to be rousted in the middle of the night, handcuffed and shackled like that. Shackled, I tell you! Just like ... like ... like some rogue elephant.

"This is impossible," he continued to thunder from his holding cell at the county lockup. "They're not even that passionate when we raise their taxes and fees when we could cut spending instead. We're the City Council. We can do anything we want."

Stamping his feet, swaying back and forth in abject disbelief and bobbing his head, the unnamed councilman kept repeating, "I can't believe it. I can't believe it."

When last seen, he was still trumpeting his complaints while hitting his head on the bars of his cell door.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-zoo12-2009jan12,0,3804344.story

Lily Tomlin: http://www.dailynews.com/search/ci_10770872?IADID=Search-www.dailynews.com-www.dailynews.com

Hector Tovar: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/unleashed/2008/12/ah-free-range-l.html

Los Angeles City Council 1/16/09 Vote: http://www.latimes.com/news/science/environment/la-me-zoo12-2009jan12,0,2743424.story

If It’s Good TV They Will Come, Demos be Damned

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 08:01:11 -0500

Slow as they’ve been, the television industry is finally catching up to me.

For years I’ve been asking why all the focus on youth oriented programming, when it’s the geezers and geezerettes who inherited the geezers money that have all the spendable cash; it’s not the teens.

Television executives are beginning to rethink all their programming that for years has been focused on the teeny-beeny crowd.

Driven by the philosophy of “if advertisers grab ‘em while they’re young, they will have lifetime buyers of their goods,” is proving not to be true.

Interests, programming and products are changing too rapidly.

Just because someone started out buying Crest or Colgate toothpaste as teens doesn’t mean that by the time they hit the demarcation point of 40, they’re not hunting down Sensodyne. They were told to floss and they didn’t.

I don’t seem to fall into any demographic, leading me to believe that surely I’m from another planet.

I’m not in the demographic for “24” lovers -- the slightly above teeny boppers status -- yet it’s on my three favorite shows to watch list.

Of course, there’s always the possibility that when I watch it tonight after it’s been on a year’s hiatus, I will have lost interest in the daring-do escapades of Jack Bauer.

That’s what happened with “The Sopranos.” That show’s seasons were so short and so sporadic that a lot of us lost interest.

ABC does the same thing with Boston Legal, possibly one of the most brilliantly written, kookie-themed show since “Laugh-In.” But, as a fan, I never know when it will be on. There is no consistency to when it’s broadcast.

As one network exec said, after trying for years to find shows that would attract the 18 to 49 demographic in the mode of NBC’s highly successful Friends, they suddenly woke up to the fact that the codgers and codgers-in-waiting were, over time, leaving network viewing en masse.

“People of other ages slowly drifted away to their own niche shows on cable TV or other media,” one executive said.

I don’t know what “other media” he was referring to, unless people suddenly remembered they knew how to read and went back to borrowing novels from the library. Maybe he meant renting movies.

I can count on three finger of one hand the network shows I look forward to watching: N.C.I.S., Boston Legal and 24.

On the nights I’m too tired to read, I’d lose my mind if it weren’t for the cable learning channels like Discovery, History and Science.

Not exactly what I’d call “real” entertainment, but in their own way they are entertaining and I learn something at the same time.

In fact, I watch so little broadcast TV, it wasn’t until last week that I realized “24” will be back tonight when I saw an ad for it on Fox while watching some sporting event.

Although they say their awareness that the public outside the 18 to 49 demographic has largely moved away from network broadcasting, and they are trying to come up with shows to fill that void, they have not, nor will they forget their younger demo viewers.

And why is it an 18 to 49 graphic? I don’t know too many 49-year-old (actually I don’t know any) who have any interests in common with a 25-year-old.

While both groups are dealing with life, family and work, each is coming at it from vastly different perspectives.

It doesn’t seem unreasonable that a happy middle ground can be found.

They will have to get away from the notion that spending less to produce shows, such as the reality non-reality-type will gain them more. A plethora of so-called reality shows aren’t going to cut it.

Hollywood is filled with talented writers looking for a desk and chair where they can produce some worthy scripts.

Sure, it will cost more to bring back the likes of The West Wing, but in the long run it might be more profitable, too.

Souce: http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-et-demographic11-2009jan11,0,5616698.story

Record-breaking Litter of Dalmatian Pups Spotted in UK

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 11:01:00 -0500

One for the record books? Perhaps.

As they like to say on one of L.A.’s local TV news broadcasts, another aaaaaaw story to brighten your evening. Something of an oxymoron, but what the heck.

Although most of us enjoy a happy story spotlighting tiny, fluffy, furry newborn critters, there are always some who will think they are simply aaaaawfuuul!

According to the British Dalmatian Club, the birth of three six-packs worth of Dalmatian pups might be a howling record-breaker.

Button, the mother of the 18 puppies, is the daughter of the dog who was the character Dipstick in Disney’s 102 Dalmatians.

The pups, delivered by Caesarean section, are being hand-fed by the owners, Adam and Nicola Morley of Melton Mowbray.

Paul Hoskins of the Leicestershire Dalmatian Club said he thinks this is the biggest litter he’s ever heard of, and cited the recent birth of a 14-pup litter.

A Guinness World Book of Records spokesman said their recorded record birth is 24 pups born to a mastiff in 2004, but they don’t break down the canine births by breed.

If going to the dogs means there is a trend developing in high numbers of puppies being born to one mother, maybe doggone time to have individual born-by-breed categories.

Can you imagine an itty-bitty Chihuahua popping out ten pups?

Ouch!

Source:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/leicestershire/7815924.stm