SarahTheRed's Open Salon Blog

Could you be with someone who did not respect your talent?

Thu, 1 Oct 2009 09:10:24 -0400

I have recently realized that my husband does not have very much respect for my creative talents. When we met I was studying to be a professional performer, hopefully in musical theater. When I met my husband I quit and changed college majors. I now teach (oh the irony) and LOVE it. I put my love of theater and performing in a lock box in my heart, and have been pretty satisfied with the life I have chosen.

THEN...I audition for a production, get cast and have a mind blowing experience on and off stage. I sing! I dance! I loose weight! I drink! I start to feel panic attack come on as we get closer and closer to our closing night. Its not just about the fun, its about rediscovering who I was in the past, and trying to mesh it with who I am today (namely an adult).

But the kicker really is the fact that my husband thinks that he saved me from a failed career because he doesn't think that I am overall that talented. My awareness of this had bounced around for many years, but when I tried to communicate to him my desire to become more involved in the arts at my job and in the community, I could tell that he was nonplussed.

Now, let me tell you, I am not a crazy American Idol reject who is delusional about their own abilities. I have performed in New York damnit!

I can't begin to describe how this makes me feel. I know in the long run it doesn't really matter. But I also know that the likelihood of keeping his support in the future is not as strong. I know I am going to have a hard time getting past this.

So tell me OS, is it possible to be with someone who does not respect your creative talents? Is it an important part of a partnership, or in the long run...not?

Kanye, You Are Such A Douche

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 00:09:14 -0400

When I saw Kanye West pull a Joe Wilson on poor Taylor Swift, I wanted to go right over to my Mac Mini and delete every frakking album of his that is on there.

Honestly, I don't think Taylor Swift is at all as good as Beyonce, but seriously. When he hauled ass up there, I just wanted to give her a cookie and tell her everything was okay. She's just a kid!

I can even understand what Mr. Douche/West was feeling, I felt the same urge when Brokeback Mountain lost the Oscar to Crash, but I was not invited to the show so I had to fume on my futon alone at home.

So, in conclusion, your career is in decline Mr. Douchebag-West. Sit the frak down.

I just want to be silly for a little while..is that so bad?

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 11:07:19 -0400

I feel like I am a cliche right now. I majored in music and theater in college and quit when I met my husband (and realized that I actually wanted a job and a career) and now I teach history to freshman and I LOVE it. But I miss doing shows a LOT. When I was studying performance I had really grand notions about how valuable the work I was doing was. Like I was nurturing souls and helping the world through Sondheim. I got over that real quick when I moved on to academia and became involved with grassroots politics. Its not like I throw it in my husbands face "I was gonna be a star and now I'm just a freaking housewife!" I think I could have had a moderately successful career in theater and now have the same in education and politics.

But now I miss it a lot. I am very committed to local organizing and my job, but I really miss theater. It is something that I can do that is hard work and pure fun (most of the time, there is a little drama and strife, but that is fun as well). The music is fun, the people are fun, costumes, makeup, sets, lighting, newspaper reviews, cast parties etc. All fun. At the same time I know this is not as good of use of my time as say, mentoring inner city kids, promoting universal healthcare, canvassing etc. I understand this, but now I think I want to put on high heels and fake eyelashes and dance just because I want to.

Now here is the problem I face. The theater community in my town is very large, tight-knit and vibrant. Local theater is not always a crappy version of Neil Simon in the high school auditorium. There is a lot going on theater-wise in my city, and in the past I have been able to to some pretty big budget shows. But as with any community of creatives trying to do anything, there are alliances and relationships built over time, and over the past few years I have been more focused on creating relationships with 9th graders in my U.S. History classes than maintaining my theater contacts (thank God for Facebook or else I would have fallen off the map completely). Then there is also the strange paradox of when I am in other major cities I get plum roles and lots of encouragement, and in my hometown the attitude is "meh." Hence my anxiety.

With all that said it has been almost 5 years since I have done a show and I miss it. I am planning on auditioning for one in 3 weeks, and it is making me feel barfy just thinking about it. Here are the factors that induce nausea:

1) First and foremost, I have gained about 50 pounds since most of these people have seen me last (I went from looking like I had anorexia to looking slightly plump, not dumpy or fatso) and am super freaked about being judged for it. I need to remind myself that I didn't get a lot of roles back then because I was so tiny I looked like I was twelve. It is exciting that I can play actual adults now.

2) I dumped the music director for my husband and it sucked. I really want him to find a new girlfriend so that we can be friends again, but it is still really weird when I come in to auditions with my new last name.

3) A singers voice is like a muscle and it can get out of shape. I used to sing for at least 3-5 hours every day and had a pretty good range. Now its not as smooth or strong. That is frustrating because a woman's voice reaches full maturity around my age.

4) My husband thinks theater is silly and shallow. Boo.

Luckily for me I have a super-supportive family, and my mom still wants to come to my auditions, hold my water bottle and mouth along to my songs even though I'm almost 30.

So three weeks until auditions. Now I just need to find a song to sing and try to loose about 10 pounds.

I'm Michigan Skinny...

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 21:04:38 -0400

...which means I'm actually fat. I has really dawned on me recently that I am a fat fatty fatterton. How does that make me Michigan Skinny? This is a phrase my oft-foot-in-mouth hubby used to describe me when we were in San Diego visiting his brother. I had double Spanks (aka good-ole-girdle) on under my very midwest denim skirt and we went to a fairly chic wine bar. The first difference we noticed was the non-smoking, which needs to come to Michigan ASAP, but I sat there for a while trying to figure out what felt off.

It was then that I realized that I was the fattest girl in the room. I had never experienced this phenomenon before, as I am a midwesterner and there is a legitimately different standard of fatness between us and California.

So a few girdled years later and I am 30 pounds heavier than I was then and am now legitimately chubby even by midwestern standards. Its been a pattern of loose 5 gain 6 for a few years now, and I have all the Weight Watchers documentation I need to prove it.

(Just hopped over to the WW website and cancelled my account, I need a break.)

I have come into recent realization of my fattyness over the last few weeks, especially after I cut 8 inches off of my hair, it just seemed logical to donate it as it wasn't serving any real purpose. I now have the shortest hair that I have experienced in 15 years, and its weird. I feel like it makes everything else look bigger. I also can't wear my wedding ring right now and that has always seemed to me to be the biggest indication of post-marital sloth. My dear hubbeie was a dear and got me this gloriously gaudy/sparkly cocktail ring from the Swovarski crystal store for Christmakkah, and it is very large...its proportional I guess. Its just not the same as the engagement ring he had designed for me himself.

I am lucky I have a very forgiving wardrobe of wrap dresses, long sweaters and stretchy work pants. And I understand fashion enough to know what makes me look "good" etc.

Its just when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize that chubby, short haired person. I know that I am not bareatric fat, not even Lane Bryant fat. I did go into LB the other week and was fascinated by all the cute, flattering clothes for larger women.

I used to be thin enough to go on stage in front of hundreds of people in a leotard, I did A Chorus Line in college, and used to audition for shows in what would now amount to underwear. My stage mom knew how to work it. I am a good singer and even auditioned for the second season of Amerian Idol (only 2 callbacks, the chubby was already creeping up on me). I recently went to the rounds of auditions for regional theater and most people whom I have worked with for years didn't seem to recognize me.

Boy do I not want to turn into a failed actress whiner. Stage shoes hurt my feet and many actresses were catty bitches. I have a cuddly hubbie and I can have as much fun at my job teaching history to 15 year olds and I could ever want.

Every couple of weeks though a student will ask me in front of the entire class if I am pregnant, and I get to say "No, just chubby" and their mortification is almost worth it.

We're Cheering for y0u Amy Poehler

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:04:07 -0400

The hubbie and I watched NBC's new documentary style comedy, Parks and Recreation starring Amy Poehler, with all of the anticipation a mother would watch their little chick perform in a piano or dance recital. She worked so hard and we want her to be good.

So from the get-go, based on what I saw last night, Parks and Recreation will not be renewed for a second season. It was still much funnier than most other 22 minute sitcoms, but it just isn't as good as The Office or 30 Rock, and that is the mesure Ms. Poehler needs to live up to. Which is sad because I want Amy to be wildly sucessful. Its a part of my "Hell yes women are funny on their own" mantra.

I felt like I was watching a copy of The Office set in the government. Amy is the Michael Scott and all of the other characters fulfill a mix of the other Office rolls. All through the episoded we were saying "Thats the Pam" or "There's the Jim" and "He's their Dwight." The American Office had a lot going for it in its pilot because theirs was based completly on the Golden Globe winning Ricky Gervais/Stephen Merchant British series.

What I like about this show is that it had women being funny on their own, without any men for them to play off of. That is what I love about 30 Rock's Jenna/Liz dynamic. Like them, Amy Poehler (and increasingly Kristin Wiig) can be funny without a single solitary dude in the room, and that is incredibly satisfying.

Regardless, even though the pilot wasn't the greatest 22 minutes of halarity, I hope Ms. Poehler can manage to pull it off. The show (and her character) have a lot of potential.