smalltownwriter's Open Salon Blog

The clock is ticking

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:04:47 -0400

It's been five weeks since my children last saw their mother.

I'm typing this on my iPhone as she is trying to get our 3-year-old son to sleep in another room. Our 1-year-old daughter is conked out in her crib.

I am in Nevada for an extended weekend visit. Yes. I'm weak. My wife has been distant but I haven't allowed that to bother me. I'm not taking her actions or behaviors personally.

I'm finally on step 8 (made a list of all the persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to the all). I just got off the phone with my my Alanon sponsor. He was checking in to see how I was doing. I've had a few other Alanon people check in this week also. It's been difficult as a single parent. I really didn't think this separation would last this long. But, here we are. Almost three months after I got my alcoholic wife out of the house and not much has changed. Well, I guess I've changed. Physically, I've lost 90 pounds over the last year. My closet is bare, having donated all those old fat clothes to charity. Emotionally, I no longer obsess and worry about the alcoholic and what she may or may not be doing.

I'm finally starting to do things for myself. The last two weekends were supposed to be visits with my wife, but when I couldn't even get a call or text returned, I opted to stay home.

I'm focusing on myself and my own attitudes and behaviors. I also set a boundary, telling my wife she needed to get her act together, pull her head out of her ass, and decide if her family was worth the effort of getting sober. I wasn't harsh, but I was honest. I told her I wasn't going to wait forever. My sponsor told me it was well said and my 'honesty is paramount.' I spent most of last weekend either in tears or on the verge of tears. As my sponsor said, 'sometimes detaching with love can be painful.' No kidding.

That's all I have today. I think it's enough.

Note: I typed this with my thumbs on an iPhone, with its autocorrect quirkiness, so bear with me on odd typos. I'll fix them later.

Am I 'back on the market?'

Mon, 2 Apr 2012 00:04:31 -0400

After a couple of years of trying to save this marriage, I'm starting to wonder if it's really over ... as in done ... stick a fork in it.

After Thursday's Alanon meeting, someone I've known for years outside the support group approached me, armed with a compliment.

"I just have got to say, you are lookin' like some kind of hotness," she said in her southern drawl. "Damn, you're lookin' good."

"Thanks," I said, not sure how to take her words. She's known me and my wife for close to a decade. "I guess if I'm possibly single again, I better start looking good," I joked. "I've been working pretty hard and I've dropped 80 pounds."

"Well, I'm not shy when it comes to tellin' an Alanon brother when he's got the hotness goin' on," she said. "So, are you single again? Are you back 0n the market?"

She's happily married and is asking out of curiosity, nothing more. But, I didn't know how to answer the question. She was the second Alanon lady that night to make a reference to me being single. Does everyone else know something I don't?

"Back on the market? Um, maybe? I'm not really sure. I guess, I don't know," I stammered.

"Well, it's up to you, isn't it?" she asked, her remark hitting home.

Was I allowing the alcoholic to have control over my life yet again? Why was I waiting for her to make the decision regarding the marriage? Another good Alanon friend said, "It's because you have a kind heart and you're holding out hope." Maybe. Or I'm just really good at being a doormat and don't know any other way.

I'm currently working steps 6 and 7, as my sponsor wants me to work them together. He even has me reading a special book on the subject.

As I sit here typing, my 1-year-old is asleep in her crib. My 3-year-old is babbling under the kitchen table. Two of my older children from a previous marriage are here for spring break -- one is 12 and the other is 13. My 19-year-0ld is too cool for a visit now that she's off to college.

Recap: My wife, with her beautiful green eyes, red hair and perfect smile, has been gone since Feb. 5 (after I called 911 when I couldn't get her to open her eyes). That was nearly two months ago and was the culmination of a two-month alcholic relapse. During that relapse, a lot was revealed, including an affair she carried on with a guy from AA that lasted, well, I don't know how long. At least a year and probably longer. She went from telling me she wanted a divorce, to a separation to begging me to do neither and forgive her everything. I've been on an emotional roller coaster and this has been the most difficult and trying four months of my life.

Back to today: My 3-year-old just climbed on my lap and is watching me type. He's trying to help, so there may be some jumbled words in here when I first publish this entry.

I'm being the best dad I can, given the lack of help. My mother is due to return on April 9 to lend a hand.

Today, I decided to return to church. I haven't been going and this was the first attempt, with my two youngest in tow. It went pretty well. The baby was wiggly, but quiet. My 3-year-old played with the other kids in the "crying room," which is set apart from the rest of the church. Unfortunately, the speaker was broken, so none of us could hear the service. By the end, my 3-year-old decided it was time to bolt out of the crying room and into the main church -- three times. This is a fairly large Catholic church, but the priest is a good-hearted Irishman (accent and all).

Another Alanon friend happens to attend the same church and she came into the crying room to offer help at just the right time. With my youngest son getting wild, she helped me get them to the car after mass. I don't know how I would've done it by myself. Well, I do, but it wouldn't have been easy.

While at the car, she asked me if I was going to file that legal separation paperwork. "Or are you still just thinking about it?" she queried.

"Still thinking," I said. "I just don't know yet. I'm playing things by ear, I suppose."

"You don't necessarily need to take action right away," she said, holding my baby girl as I buckled in my son.

I've taken this week off from work so I can think, sort some things out and spend time with my children.

I can be my worst critic. While others are seeing "hotness," I'm seeing a guy who still has 20 pounds to lose, is overwhelmed and in desperate need of this vacation.

The difference is, now I can recognize some of those thoughts and warped perspectives -- putting them into proper perspective. Yes, I still have 20 pounds to lose, but I've lost 80 already, so I'm 80-percent of the way there. Yes, I'm overwhelmed and that's why I'm taking a vacation and learning the power of "no."

I have some great friends who are offering physical (such as helping with the kids) and emotional support. I'm going to be OK.

It's sad. My wife might end up getting that divorce or separation she asked for back on Dec. 5 ... and it's her loss.

May I have this dance?

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 20:03:48 -0400

I'm not a very good dancer. It's not something my size-12 feet were meant to do. Coordination? Forget about it.

The alcoholic dance, though, is something in which I'm well versed. One step forward, two steps back, a sideways glance, cheek-t0-cheek, move to the beat.

My two precious little ones are home with me earlier than planned. My mother-in-law revealed sobriety lapses these last few weeks (since my last visit to the next state over where my alcoholic wife has been staying with her mom), so the kids returned with me rather than stay another week.

And so it goes. Step. Step. Side. Side. Shuffle. Cheek to cheek.

I can honestly say I had a very nice visit with my wife and kids this weekend. While my wife worked most of Saturday, I spent it with my kids playing, reading, drawing and just generally being a dad.

After the conversation with my mother-in-law yesterday, I was able to line up a sitter and then promptly called my Alanon support network. Sponsor? Check. Closest three Alanon friends? Check. I felt better balanced and able to deal with the inevitable "reveal" with my wife.

That conversation went better than I expected (at least on my end). I didn't lose my temper, lecture, blame or scold. It felt good. I told her the kids were coming home with me and they couldn't be around her if she's still drinking.

Now, I guess I'm at the next phase. As I was leaving, my mother-in-law and wife pressured me to give them a firm return date for the kids. I side-stepped the question and said we'd discuss it later.

It looks like it's time to legally separate. I don't want to do this. As I drove over the mountain pass to get home, I cried at least half the drive. This hurts. Much like when I called 911 on Feb. 5 (which resulted in getting my wife out of the house), this decision is just as painful. I feel like I've been forced into this action.

Tomorrow is another day. Right now, I have to chase a 1-year-old before she gets into something, and change the jammies for her 3-year-old brother (since he dribbled yogurt all down the front).

Step. Step. Shuffle and bow. The dance ends.

Trying to find myself

Sun, 18 Mar 2012 10:03:18 -0400

For years, I've been someone else for everyone else and in the process, I seem to have lost myself.

Being married to an alcoholic, and coming from a family ripe with all the "isms" of alcoholism, has left me confused. As the adult child of the adult child of an alcoholic, I am often baffled when I hear my mom's words slip from my lips. "Why would I say that?" I think to myself. "What am I hoping to accomplish?"

On Feb. 5, I got the alcoholic out of our home. She was so intoxicated that morning (.46 blood alcohol level), the nurse at the hospital said it was a good thing someone called 9-11 because death was close.

When my mother-in-law and sister-in-law tried to bring my wife back to the house that evening, I begged them to take her home with them to another state. That's where my marriage stands as of today.

Over the course of this relapse (which started Dec. 5, 2011), a lot of things were said on both sides. Some hurtful. Some encouraging. There were revelations, such as my wife's yearlong (or longer) affair with a guy from AA.

I turned to my Alanon group for help and support. For those who don't know, Alanon is a fellowship of families and friends of alcoholics.

After having cared for my two youngest (ages 1 and 3) through all this, I finally took my in-laws up on the offer of childcare for a few weeks. As my sponsor said, "If they want to help, let them." My two little ones will return home March 30.

What that has meant is I'm home by myself. Just me and my thoughts. Alone.

I don't have any excuses now to avoid rediscovering who I am and figuring out what I want. Do I want to stay married to someone who cheated for so long? Can I keep doing this? Is it time for me to move on and what does that look like? Can I make it on my own? By doing this, am I just trading this alcoholic for the next one since I tend to gravitate toward those with a penchant for the bottle? Or, because of my new sense of awareness, am I less likely to fall into that old pattern of behavior that brings me into contact with problem drinkers?

My mind is full of questions and I'm trying to sort through emotions of hurt, anger, abandonment, betrayal, grief and love. I do love her but is it the right choice for me? What's the healthy choice?

This has been the most difficult time of my life. The first divorce 10 years ago? That was a cake walk.

What I am trying to do is look closely at my motivations and behaviors, my likes and dislikes, my wants and needs. For too long, I've put the needs of others in front of my own. Right now, today, I'm focusing on myself. I'm exercising, eating right, praying, surrounding myself with those in recovery who understand, and working my steps. I have a sponsor who is a "double winner" (decades in AA and about 7 years in Alanon). He has provided great insight.

I'm learning the power of "no." I'm asking for help when I feel I need it. And, part of me feels guilty for taking this "me" time.

One of my last big obligations will be out of the way today. I created and organized a large fundraiser for local charities. We've been planning this event since June 2011. I'll be there for 12 hours with the other 35 volunteers to decorate, set up, help and tear down. I stepped down from being the leader of the fundraiser back on Feb. 6, after my wife was taken to another state. Since this whole thing was my idea, I feel the need to see it through to the finish. It's like one more weight is being lifted from my shoulders.

On the scale this morning, because of my efforts to eat healthy and exercise over the last year, it shows a total weight loss of 75 pounds. As I told an Alanon friend, I want all this baggage off of me -- emotional and physical. I don't want to carry this "stuff" around with me anymore. It's just weighing me down.

Slowly, pound by pound, obligation by obligation, step by step, I'm rediscovering myself. A new body, a new attitude and a new me.

Today will be a good day.

Mom did the best she could

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 10:02:34 -0500

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I've been married to an alcoholic for six years and we've been together for 10.

I didn't know she was an alcoholic, but began to suspect about four years ago. Even so, I didn't know what that meant. What's an alcoholic? A panhandler in the street, trying to scrape together enough spare change to buy a bottle of cheap booze to get through the chilly night? Or is an alcoholic a seemingly confident woman in a position of authority who is an over-achiever in the areas of community involvement? As I've come to learn, an alcoholic can range from either of those extremes or land anywhere in between. Alcoholism doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care what your income level is or what job you have.

I wish I knew then what I know now. I could've avoided making so many mistakes when dealing with my wife, my (adult-child of an alcoholic) mom, my alcoholic brother, my probably alcoholic (and adult-child of an alcoholic) ex-wife and my alcoholic first mother-in-law (as well as her mother).

In Al-Anon, there is a piece of literature called "The Three Views" and one of them is an open letter from an alcoholic. "Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having cancer or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too," the letter states. "Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises even though I mean them at the time.

"Don't make empty threats. When you make a decision, stick to it.

"Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily. ...

"Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. ... I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic espace for the consequences of my drinking."

These are some of the bits that stand out for me. I try to live by this letter when dealing with my wife.

The night I walked into my first meeting, Jan. 3, 2010, they read that letter out loud. It hit me like a hammer. It described my life. I was searching for hidden bottles, pouring out alcohol, lecturing, blaming, scolding, believing promises and allowing the alcoholic to provoke my anger.

My mom, who has been staying with me for a few weeks, is becoming interested in Al-Anon. She sees the way it's working for me. I gave her a newcomer packet, which she read. She's also been opening up to me about her father and his days battling the bottle.

"I remember I would get so scared around payday," she said. "I didn't know if dad was going to come home that night and if he did, how drunk he would be."

What I'm going through with my wife has brought a lot of my mom's repressed emotions and fears bubbling to the surface. She's in full-on fix-it mode, but as I explain, there isn't anything to fix. I can only focus on myself and the kids and I appreciate her help with them these last few weeks.

I am going through some minor flashbacks when I hear the way she handles my 3-year-old crying.

"What, are you going to cry?" she mocks, making crying sounds herself. "Don't cry."

Crying is OK, as I've learned. Displaying emotions is normal. Hiding them, as we did in my home when I was growing up, is not normal.

I figure one more week of my mom's help is about all I (and the kids) can handle.

As for my wife, she called yesterday and we had a very nice conversation. She sounds good. I really miss her.

That's all I have for now. I need to get to my step work.