stephalupagous's Open Salon Blog

Don’t want your crazy

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 13:02:56 -0500

I read this line yesterday: “To reengage my brother would be suicidal. What choice do I have? The past comes flooding back. I cut him loose to survive.”¹Slightly altered, it summed up exactly how I feel about my family.

I can’t be in the crazy anymore. It has driven me to attempt suicide on more than one occasion. I can’t go back there again. The worst part is that they love to spread the crazy around; not content to be unhappy themselves, but they have to make other people miserable too. Yech.

This bout of crazy has been brought on by a car accident my parents were in a few weeks ago. My mother had foot surgery and my dad was bringing her home in his BMW coupe. (first, you own a BMW SUV – just as much prestige and she’d have been safe, ass hat). Dad loves that car, more than anything else.

Anyway…guy stops in an intersection, cargo van hits him and my dad hits the van (following too close). Mom’s foot is up on the dash and consequently blown out the window by the airbag. 50 pins, two plates, two bone grafts (so far) and a skin graft is what she needs to repair the leg. And wrote off the car.

Before this happened I had a cordial, but distant relationship with my parents. It is hard to have people in your life who beat and abused you for so many years. It was the guilt over the pain I would cause my mom by dis-connecting that stopped me from doing it. So things were ok.

I barely spoke with my dad which was great for me. He is a terribly inappropriate man. He treats me as his wife when my mom isn’t around, which is intensely creepy and very wrong. I’ve been dealing with this terrible and sociopathic man my whole life and I don’t want to anymore. I had cut him out.

Now since the accident, he calls me five times a day. He leaves messages and texts and whinges about the goddamn car. And how it wasn’t his fault. And how my mother will never walk again (fuck off, it’s a broken leg). And his car…oh the car.

I can’t do this. I just can’t He is trying to pass on the crazy to me and I refuse to take it.

1. http://killingthebuddha.com/mag/confession/a-message-from-prison/

Amazing (and cheap) tomato soup

Fri, 4 Feb 2011 14:02:19 -0500

I made this soup on Sunday night. It just got better as the week went on. It was easy to make and cheap: a great meal for a snowy night.

Ingredients

2 large cans of diced tomatoes (generic brand: $1.99 a can)
3 stalks of celery, diced ($0.37)
2 large carrots, diced ($0.40)
2 onions, chopped ($0.60)
garlic*, minced (I use pre-chopped garlic from the jar $7.50 for 600mL)
salt and pepper to taste
olive oil
vegetable broth (optional)

Directions

Heat oven to 450F. drain the tomato juice into a bowl (will use later) and spread the tomatoes on a cookie sheet. Put in oven for about 25 mins.

Meanwhile, put 2tbps of olive oil in a soup pan over low-medium heat. Add the celery, onions, carrots and garlic. Sweat (cook over low-ish heat. The veggies should sizzle slightly) until the tomatoes are done. Add tomatoes to the soup pan and add remaining tomato juice. Add salt and pepper to taste. Then let it simmer for 10-15 mins.

You can use a blender or hand-blender to puree the soup or eat it rough. You can add vegetable broth or water to thin out the soup.

Eat with toasted bread and butter. You can spoon some plain yoghurt or sour cream on top if you like it creamy.

Another addition is to add some chopped red pepper to the tomatoes before they go in the oven.

*put in as much garlic as you like.

Bathroom species

Thu, 4 Mar 2010 15:03:33 -0500

As most people will agree with, the bathroom is a private place.

If you are at home, it can be a great place to R&R and just escape (I say this after discovering that the height of a toilet seat is most comfy for reading once you get over the fact you’re wearing pants and sitting on the loo and also while living with a bf in a teeny <500ft²apartment).

On the other hand, public bathrooms have just the illusion of privacy and require adjustment as necessary. Sure we get a door to close; either as a stall door or actual door, depending. Just because the door is closed, doesn’t mean no knows you’re there.

Based on years of human observation and curiosity into the human condition, I present to you three distinct species found within the environs of the ladies’ bathrooms.*

The Lurker

This common creature is often found in multi-stall bathrooms in office environments. The Lurker takes up her position for hours at a time. Often they can be found in the same stall at the same time everyday. All you know is that from 2:04-3:17pm the last stall on the left is occupied.

The identity of the Lurker can be easy to identify in smaller offices as you may notice a co-worker’s extended absence or recognise shoes as you walk in. In larger offices or on whole floors, it is more difficult. Identifying the Lurker is not necessary by any means. Sometimes it is just interesting to know who is spending hours in the bathroom.

One thing to note about the Lurker, that regardless of what they are doing prior to your entry into the bathroom (crying, playing the tuba, talking to imaginary friends) all noise stops the moment that the door begins to open. I believe that this is a survival technique of these creatures, an aural camouflage if you will; much like when toddlers cover their eyes and think that no one can see them.

The Lurker presents no real danger, unless it is a two-stall bathroom and one is occupied and you absolutely have to pee. It is believed that this behaviour does continue within the private home, which is fine because it is certain that many people enjoy a break in the loo. Doing it at work just might not be the best place, unless you have some heavy business to conduct.

The Chatter

This is a new and disruptive species. With the advent of cell phones it is now possible to talk to anyone, anywhere. This is a fine example of the famous maxim “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”.

Simply put, the Chatter will engage in phone conversations while in the bathroom. It is understandable that while checking make-up/washing hands, a phone call can be taken if urgent, but why would a conversation be conducted while conducting other business? There is a risk of embarrassment either to the Chatter or to the party on the other end of the phone. Nothing is so important that it can’t wait a minute or two.

There are X sub-species of the Chatter. Some are more disruptive than others.

1. The Short Passive Chatter: will answer phone calls and engage in conversation, but does not initiate contact. Often conversations are short and consist of a message that they will call back. Often background noises within the Chatter’s control are muffled or excluded. This presents a confusing behaviour, as the secondary phone call will occur within 3-5 minutes and therefore answering the phone the first time becomes slightly redundant.

2. The Long Passive Chatter: will also answer the phone and engage in conversation, although on a longer scale. These conversations will continue throughout various bathroom activities and even until the Chatter has left.

3. The Active Chatter: There is little distinction between a Short and Long Active Chatter. The main identifier in this species is the placement of a call while in the stall or washroom. Sometimes an Active Chatter may enter the washroom, complete her work and leave while engaged in a cell phone conversation.

Nothing can be done about this species. It seems that they are becoming more prevalent in today’s society. As more and more people share their lives online via Facebook, Twitter and other social media programs, we can expect the Chatter to increase as the social barriers around privacy collapse.

On a side note, texting is fine as it is not disruptive or potentially embarrassing to the persons involved.

The Hoverer

This is a fairly newly discovered species. I’m not sure as to the origins of them. Once again they are recognised by their odd behaviour. Whereas the Lurker and the Chatter are only noticed while in the bathroom, the Hoverer is only known by the signs left behind.

The sign of a Hoverer’s presence is the distinct spray pattern upon the seat. How this effect is achieved has yet to be determined as a Hoverer has not been observed in action. Experts speculate that the Hoverer positions them 3-8 inches above the seat to perform, thus leaving the tell-tale pattern.

The purpose of this behaviour has yet to be determined. Germ transfer is a possible reason. The problem with this is that the possibility of actual transfer of germs from a toilet seat into the blood stream or mucosal membranes of the body is highly unlikely, unless something bizarre is going on. Due to this, the current hypothesis is that it is about marking territory in an aggressive manner. To what ends is unknown. As it is a public restroom, there is little guarantee that no one will avoid that stall.

The best thing to do about a Hoverer is chose another stall and hope that they don’t mark all stalls. Also, a bottle of Lysol and some paper towels hidden in the washroom will clean things up a treat. Passive-aggressive notes are known to be ineffective and may contribute to more widespread and ‘solid’ evidence of marking.

Two nagging questions about this species, aside from the goal in marking:

How do they do it? Squatting, standing on the seat, etc? and,
How do they keep their pants and legs dry?

Any comments or continued observations of these or other species is greatly appreciated by the researcher.

* This is not to say that these species do not occur in male washrooms. The researcher is female and doesn’t spend extensive time in the men’s room; just when there is a huge line for the ladies. That being said, some evidence of the male Chatter has been collected as the researcher was on the other end of the phone. To all those men who answer the phone in the loo: I’ll wait for a call back.

Penelope

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:11:04 -0500

This is inspired by Homer Langley because what he wrote managed to open the door to exactly how I am feeling these days.

I am Penelope, waiting...

My love is across the seas of wheat
Fields of rippling, endless green
Yellow heads bending in the wind
Frozen brown furrows of waiting earth

I know why you chose this journey
I know what you do matters
I know where you lay your heart
I know who you miss often
I do not know when you’ll come home

A home has been promised and built for you (if only in my heart)
A bed has been dressed and laid for you (with no tree as a post)
A heart has been saved and mended for you (freely given with joy)

Come home to me, my love
Come home to me, my heart

I am Penelope, waiting...

Foodie Tuesday - Zebra Cake

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 14:10:33 -0400

This week I'm posting my recipe for my favourite cake - zebra cake, aka chocolate wafer icebox cake.Easy peasy and cheap! (for the Cheap Bastid)

Ingredients

Couple of packages of Nabisco Famous Chocolate Wafers (These are usually in the ice cream cone isle – not the cookie isle) - can use other chocolate wafers if you can't find Nabisco.

Whipped cream* - now I mean the real stuff, no sweetened dinosaur by-product like Cool-Whip or it's ilk. Yeech! Plus we need all that petroleum product for the SUVs. And honestly - making your own whipped cream is cheaper.

Fresh Fruit (optional)

Equipment

Pan, dish, bowls, martini glasses, whatever floats your boat
Butter knife

Directions

There are two ways of doing this, the easy way and the easiest way.

Easy way

1. Put some whipped cream on a cookie and then lay it in the pan, add another ...continue until container is full. Top with fruit. Always have a layer of cookies on the bottom. Wrap and place in the fridge for 12-24 hours.

Easiest way

1. Put a layer of cookies down, then whipped cream, then cookies, then whipped cream...continue until container is full. Top with fruit. Wrap and place in the fridge for 12-24 hours

Variations

1. Add your favourite liquor to the whipped cream instead of vanilla – BUT don’t serve it to kids or those who don’t want alcohol – it makes it boozy

2. Use Nilla wafers and chocolate whipped cream – switch out the vanilla for chocolate syrup – add it until it looks chocolate-y enough

* Easy whipped cream

4 cups heavy cream
1 tablespoon vanilla extract (can use instant vanilla pudding mix here - keeps it stiff for a long time - kind of like cialis for desserts)
1/4 cup sugar

In a large bowl, whip cream until stiff peaks are just about to form. Beat in vanilla and sugar until peaks form. Make sure not to over-beat, cream will then become lumpy and butter-like.