Susan Cross's Open Salon Blog

Lay off Jessica Simpson

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:04:18 -0400

Considering that this is an election year, and that our country is in economic crisis, and North Korea launched a rocket over the Yellow Sea, it’s no surprise that there are so many headlines about Jessica Simpson’s pregnancy weight gain. At least we have our priorities straight as far as what’s newsworthy, right?

Now that I’ve complained about the amount of media attention her pregnancy is garnering, let me just add to it. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

OK…Jessica Simpson has gained some weight with this pregnancy. Clearly. But, in her defense, she’s only about 5’2” tall; so it’s no wonder that she looks more, how shall I say, round, than the average pregnant woman. And, if she’s more round than the average pregnant woman, then she’s humongous by celebrity pregnant woman standards.

How do these celebs hide their pregnancies for so long? They're usually taller than average, start out way too thin to begin with, they wear baggy clothes, and carry suitcase sized purses that conveniently hide their midsection. It’s a wonder we ever find out they're pregnant at all until we see them months later, size triple zero again, having traded in the suitcase/purse for a baby, which, let’s face it, is the absolute best celebrity accessory there is, at least for getting photographed anyway.

I have nothing against these women who seem superhuman in their ability to carry a baby and look like they’ve swallowed an olive. But, I hardly think it’s fair to call Jessica Simpson fat, or declare her to be unhealthy just because she doesn’t carry that way.

She’s always had curves, and she’s never hidden that fact. She’s had some weight fluctuations, but lord knows most women do. So what, she’s pregnant and she looks pregnant. Good for her. Congratulations! If she's having a health issue as a result of her weight gain, I’m sure her doctor will monitor her—so the rest of us really don’t need to.

I am on the petite side myself, and had very healthy sized babies. As a result, I looked pretty darn pregnant when I was pregnant. Nobody dared tell me I was too fat—at least not to my face anyway. I hope that Jessica can tune all of the negative comments out and enjoy the rest of her pregnancy. I also hope she doesn’t feel the need to starve herself on some sort of cabbage soup diet in order to drop the weight at record speed after she gives birth. Although, if she does, I’m sure there will be a ton of headlines about that, too. I’m not sure how she will get the media to ignore her. Maybe if she were to launch a missile or something…

Classism in Flight: A Tale of Two Toilets

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 21:03:31 -0400

Recently I was on a flight from L.A. to N.Y. when an older woman from first class made her way to the back of the plane where I was sitting in coach (I'd rather spend my money on shoes!). She had come to complain to the flight attendant that someone from coach had the gall to enter first class and use the first class restroom. The horror of it all.

The flight attendant listened politely and then said that the fasten seatbelt sign was on, and the woman really should return to her seat.

The woman was having none of it.

At this point I made an educated guess that the lowly commoner from coach who's unworthy buttocks had defiled the golden toilet seat in first class, must have been a) closer to that bathroom, b) worried they might have trouble walking all the way to the back of the plane with the turbulence, and/or c) really needed to pee.

To hear the woman carry on you would think a serious crime had been committed. Not just committed, but committed against the fine people of first class.

"It's absolutely unacceptable," she scolded the flight attendant. "If people from coach are occupying the first class lavatory, then I have to walk all the way back here to use the coach lavatory." She went on to explain that she normally is in a wheel chair, and it is very difficult for her to get to the back of the plane--through coach--it's simply too far for her to have to walk.

I started to see her point, I mean, the cooties alone are a risk she simply shouldn't have to take. And, as the lady had said, she normally is in a wheel chair. Then it dawned on me...she wasn't currently in a wheel chair, and, hadn't she just successfully walked all the way back to complain about how it was too much for her to walk all the way back? Not only had she walked all that way, she had done so while carrying a full glass of red wine--of which she hadn't spilled a single drop.

I kinda wanted to tell her maybe she could solve her problem by drinking that glass of wine. It might help loosen up her be-hind so the stick that no doubt has been up there for all eternity might fall out. That'd be a healing I'd pay for and pray for!

Instead I just bit my tongue. Literally. So I wouldn't bust up laughing.

The flight attendant seemed also to be trying not to laugh. She cleared her throat and once again, advised the woman that the fasten seatbelt sign was lit and she should make her way back to her seat.

Good thing she didn't try to use our restroom before she did. There might have been an uprising.

Classism in Flight: A Tale of Two Toilets

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 21:03:15 -0400

The flight attendant listened politely and then said that the fasten seatbelt sign was on, and the woman really should return to her seat.

The woman was having none of it.

To hear the woman carry on you would think a serious crime had been committed. Not just committed, but committed against the fine people of first class.

Instead I just bit my tongue. Literally. So I wouldn't bust up laughing.

Good thing she didn't try to use our restroom before she did. There might have been an uprising.

What Would Emily Post Do?

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:01:09 -0500

It is common knowledge that there's a lag time between technology and the law. I believe there is one between technology and etiquette, too. It used to be that when faced with a question about etiquette all one had to do was consult Emily Post. She had all the answers: wait until 3 people have been served before starting to eat, send a gift within twelve months of a wedding, and a thank you note for gifts received within one month. Where is the Emily Post equivalent for the questions brought on by modern day technology?

For example, what is an reasonable timeframe in which to respond to a text message? Anybody? When I text someone, I expect them to text me back. Not the instant they get it, but within a day or so. If there is a question within a text, I believe a recipient should answer it. If it’s just a random text like, “This funny thing just happened!” Then maybe it doesn't warrant a reply, but when someone sends me something like that, at the very least I send a “J” or "LOL". That way, the sender knows that I got their message, and that I am indeed alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. But that's just me. And I am considerate. Unfortunately, I am also sensitive. OK...I am overly sensitive. That's why when someone doesn't return one of my texts, I can't help but think that they must not like me very much. Or they don't care about my feelings. Or worse, they know it hurts my feelings and that's why they are not answering me! It's a long, dark rabbit hole, and I have a very hard time not going down it whenever someone doesn't text me back.

And what about Facebook? It used to be that if someone was going to have a party, they mailed invitations to the people they wanted to include. These invited people then knew better than to go around broadcasting the fact that they were invited, because it was commonly understood that it would be rude to those who were NOT invited. That common courtesy has gone out the window with the invention of Facebook. Now everybody knows about the party, knows ahead of time when it’s going to happen, who all is going, and that they were not invited. Then during the event they have to see all the pictures that the invited people post of themselves enjoying the party, as the event is played out in real time. Of course I know that I could just not log onto Facebook in order to save my feelings, but there are so many other things I’d miss knowing about if I do that. For example, I wouldn’t know what kind of sandwiches my friends ate for lunch, who had a cold, who got a new kitten, etc.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect. I'm sure there have been a few times that I forgot to respond to a text message, or posted pictures of some soiree I'm having (or attending), without thinking about how that might make people who were not invited feel. I just wish there was some rule that we could all agree to and abide by. Until there is, when faced with a high-tech etiquette dilemma, maybe we ought to ask ourselves, "What would Emily Post do?"

Keep It Simple Stupid

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:12:51 -0500

This year I have decided to do my best to practice the KISS method of holiday preparations.

If you don't know, KISS stands for Keep It Simple Stupid. One of my very nice cousins says, Keep It Simple Sweetheart. I'm not that nice, so I'll keep the Stupid.

Christmas is only a couple of weeks away and I have done absolutely NOTHING to get ready for it. There are no decorations in my yard, no tree in my living room, and no wreath on my door. And as for presents, well...I haven't started shopping for those either. Needless to say I am feeling more than a little bit overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed is not the way I want to be feeling. I want to be feeling MERRY!

That's why I'm going to try that KISS thing. Here's what I have in mind.

Tree Shopping. In years past I have spent hours and hours searching multiple lots for exactly the "right" tree. But in hindsight, there is no such thing. If I want a perfect tree then I'd have to get an artificial one, and that maybe my next step, but until then, no real tree is going to be perfect. It's impossible. Therefore, I shall spend no more than 5 minutes at ONE tree lot. I will pick out the first 7 foot noble fir I come across that looks reasonably fresh. If it has a few holes, so be it. That's why God invented large ornaments.

Gift Buying. Usually I will really think about what might be the one certain something that each and every single certain someone on my Christmas list might love to receive. It takes quite a lot of time and energy and since I don't have much of either, I'm going to think of something that is something that I would like to receive, something gender neutral, and I'm going to make that THE gift that I give to everyone. Well, will you look at that! I'm practically done shopping right now.

Gift Wrapping. Can we say gift bags? Whomever invented the gift bag should be be sent a medal. And it should come in a gift bag. I think they sell those in bulk online, no? I'll wrap a few for my own kids to open. I mean Santa will. Or his elves. But for everyone who will be receiving whatever that gender neutral something-or-other is that I myself would be happy to receive, you'll be receiving it in a gift bag. I won't write your name on it so you can reuse it. Recycling is a gift that keeps on giving.

Cooking. I am going to really do something different here. I think I am going to NOT cook. Well, maybe I'll make a few sides and a salad. But as for the main course? That's gonna be whatever already to serve meat looks decent and affordable that they have on the day I make it to Costco. If it's rotisserie chicken, so be it. I'm a vegetarian anyway, so it's not going to effect me. If anyone else has something to say about it, they can cook some dead animal themselves.

Cards. This is one tradition I'm going to keep. It is somewhat time consuming, addressing all those cards by hand. BUT...I am going to be smart this year and enter all the names and addresses into my address book on my computer after I hand write them on the cards. That way next year, PRESTO! Labels.

Decorations. Right now my garage is in a bit of a state of disarray. I will set a timer for 15 minutes and whatever boxes I can get to that are marked "X-Mas" are the only ones that I will bring into the house and open. If some of them have ornaments, we can put them on our imperfect tree. If some of them have lights, then I'll tack some around the door. I'm not getting on the roof. I'm not paying through the nose to have someone else get on my roof. It's dangerous, it's expensive, and I'd rather make a donation to charity instead.

Cookies. Every year we bake and decorate sugar cookies. We have a million and one cookie cutters. The most time consuming part of this is making the dough and waiting for it to chill in the fridge. I think I am going to buy pre-made dough. Frosting is very easy to make. If I put homemade frosting on store bought dough, can I just say they're homemade cookies? YES I CAN!

I hope you don't think I am being too Grinch-like. It's just that I want to enjoy the season and stop feeling so stressed out by it. That's why I am going to make these changes and try keeping it simple (stupid). You know what? I feel less overwhelmed already!

Happy Holidays EVERYONE! And if you are feeling overwhelmed with all the trimmings and trappings, let me give you a little KISS! It's gender neutral, and it's something I myself was happy to receive.

A KISS from me to you!