SuznMaree's Open Salon Blog

Hired!

Thu, 4 Mar 2010 23:03:31 -0500

“So, when can you start?”

Words I waited nearly five months to hear.

I’d been working at temp jobs for the last three months, jobs with mental challenges somewhat below brain surgery. However, it was good to be out of the house, working; it was good to have a look at other businesses; it was good to be reminded of the things I need from a job, things that compel me to work each day.

All of my energies, both physical and emotional, have been consolidated and focused on getting a job. The hardest and most difficult thing has been in keeping my spirits up, rather than going into that dangerous spiral of anxiety and worse. As is my usual way, emotionally I withdraw to hold myself together. Outwardly, I project calm confidence and bright sparkle as needed – it’s either an act or some other facet that I bring out when it’s called for.

My adventures in job hunting I couldn’t have written about at the time. There was the job I wanted so very much: First was the telephone interview; I was told that they’d received over 400 resumes and I was to be scheduled for a second interview. The job application was the longest and most detailed I’d ever seen and the interview included a video conference with a Chicago manager. Then, I was scheduled for a third interview and this one includes the local manager and another video conference with the Chicago manager. I was told a lot about the work atmosphere and given a lot of detail about the benefits; the interview ends with “we’ll be in touch”. Anticlimax – nearly two weeks later, I got an email praising my “talents” and the news that someone else was chosen.

There were other jobs that seemed nearly a sure thing. Things fell out for odd and unexpected reasons, such as the one where they had no expectations of finding someone with specific experience and when they were on the verge of offering me the job, a friend of a friend presents with specific experience.

So, after too much of that sort of thing, I was asking for and offering to my job-hunting best friend, magic pixie dust. I was summoning all the psychic energy I could call on and I got another interview. The job was all about doing work I know like the back of my hand; it was closer to home than I’ve worked in years and it was lower key and less stressful. The company is financial sound and the daily juggling of paying vendors and meeting a payroll were not an issue. The interview went well and it seemed as though they were almost ready to ask me to sit down and go to work.

I got home from the interview and found an email response to my resume sent the night before. It says, “When can you come for an interview?” I think it’s kind of a throwaway but it would be wrong not to go through the motions. I called and scheduled for the next day.

I don’t even charge up the pixie dust for the interview. It’s very casual and low key and here’s where we came in, “so, when can you start?”. Now I have a dilemma because I am nearly sure I will be offered the other job, so I have to say that will let him know the next day.

You can guess. It’s another strange fall out. My nearly sure-thing: they were going to offer me the job when the person being replaced called to say he hated his new job and could he have his job back. Yeah.

I found out in time to call and accept the actual job offer. I’m a bit more than a week into my new job. It’s not the job of my dreams, but it’s not way below my skills and experience and the pay is more than I’d resigned myself to accept. The atmosphere is very relaxed; the commute is about half the distance and time; and this – everybody, absolutely everybody, goes out the door at 5:00. No more long, long work days.

This is my first post since January 1^st and I think I will need to feel more settled before I can post regularly again. I’ve never stopped reading OS, but I haven’t even been writing comments. I don’t know how long it will take me to feel a bit more at peace and bit less insecure.

I feel very fortunate to be pulled back this close to the precipice.

Looking Forward to a New Year

Fri, 1 Jan 2010 16:01:43 -0500

It’s a new year by the calendar and in my time on OS. Yesterday was my first anniversary on Open Salon. Like some others, such as Brian B, I started with 25 Things… I have not been a prolific writer, only a prolific reader who at times writes comments prolifically.

The year I had on OS and in other experiences was deeply intertwined. The big events of the year were things I wrote about. The very best thing of 2009 was quitting smoking after decades of thorough addiction and habit. January 2, 2010 marks six months smoke-free! I feel not only smoke-free, but free of the need to factor in smoking in any part of my life. That makes a larger impact on my life than most people can imagine.

I have been MIA since mid-October when I wrote a week-later follow-up to my other big event of 2009. I was fired after ten and a half years. Ten and a half years of long hours and total dedication.

I haven’t wanted to write about all that I have been going through in working through that loss, looking for a new job and financial challenges. The pain and trauma of being fired has elements that I need to think about in order to understand and to learn what I need to take away, but mostly it needs to be kept firmly in the past. I need to see it retreating in my rear view mirror.

As far as the job search and all the rest, it would be neither instructive nor entertaining if I wrote about it. Also, I’m one of those people who are not helped by talking/writing much about my “troubles”. I prefer to just keep moving, dealing with it all a day at a time, looking ahead.

Because I look to take something positive from whatever life hands me, there have been some benefits to being unemployed. I’ve had time to do things, like digging through belongings…culling out, throwing away, giving away, reorganizing, and cleaning out files. That stuff is terrifically satisfying. I took long walks, watching the autumn leaves develop and fall and studied leaves and trees. I’ve worked on some habits connected with working too much and making work too important.

2010 – I have a temp job that will go awhile longer. There’s a job prospect that I have hopes for. Now, I’ll just see where the year takes me. ..I will let you all know.

***I wanted to put in links to other posts, but though usually I can figure out that sort of thing, I’ve never managed to do it.***

Moving On!

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 14:10:27 -0400

I can’t stand to see the title of my previous post every time I open my blog, so I needed to get another post above it - right now! This title is accurate though; I am taking care of the business of being unemployed and getting employed again.

I’ve always lived my life by the principle “living well is the best revenge”. I’m doing everything I can to make that my outcome.

I won’t bore everyone with the details of all I’ve been busy with. I will say that my mind has been spinning with worse case/best case scenarios, which means that my state of mind is strong and confident with underlying anxiety. Nevertheless, I am moving on.

Fired!

Fri, 9 Oct 2009 10:10:25 -0400

Monday, over ten years of employment came to an abrupt and shocking end when I was fired after a hard day of work.

Shocking. Even though I’ve thought for weeks that this may be coming, there was no way to be prepared. I saw the changes in attitude toward me. The attitude has been changing all year, going from involving me in everything, as accountant/secretary-treasurer, to leaving me out of the information loop and leaving me out of the many closed-door meetings. This all escalated in the last couple of months, with an important area of responsibility taken from me and a variety of other demeaning things happening. When my very young second-in-line-to-his-father boss hired an even younger and exceptionally arrogant minion (at a higher salary than mine), it appeared that one of his duties was to mess with me. One of his tricks was to ask me to “prove” numbers in reports, which I could always do, but it was a tremendous waste of time.

You may be wondering why I hadn’t been looking for another job. I really did hope I was wrong because I’ve sacrificed so much of life to keeping this company going. There have been some dramatic changes and challenges. It’s looked like it might go over the edge a number of times and we kept it going, sometimes it felt that it was from sheer force of will. The other reason, aside from the economy, is my age. I know it is a tremendous disadvantage. I’ve never had any trouble getting a job, but I’m past my sell-by date.

You may also be wondering why I was fired. Although they did look hard for something I was doing wrong, they couldn’t come up with any criticism of my work. The lame reason given for firing me was that they were making some changes and needed someone who could get them on a new accounting “system”. They were firing the accounting software, which was in place when I started. I’ve told them a number of times that I know how to evaluate accounting software and how to do a conversion, but I wasn’t allowed to do so. The real reasons: my age and that I’m not one of the “bible people” from young bosses’ church. (His minion carries his bible around.)

Monday, after 5:00, young weasel boss (YWB) and his flying monkey minion (FMM) came in my office and sat down. YWB started by talking about how painful it was for him and started in on a little trip down memory lane…all the things we’d been through in the company and personally, how important I’d been to the company. I’m thinking, “Are you fucking kidding me?” I got very still, very quiet, white-hot angry and stopped the nostalgia, and very firmly told him how it was a shame that I wasn’t given the opportunity to get the new accounting software, since I’d already made it clear that it was something I was could do. Then I let him know I realized that I’d been stupid to work the way I’d worked, often staying until 9:00 or 10:00, many hours after everyone else left and taking so little vacation, when I was valued so little. YWB tried to protest, but I stopped that cold by telling him just how devastating this was to me. The funny: FMM looked frightened, like he was about to soil himself and/or pass out. The pathetic: YWB expected me to forgive him and make it feel better, for him. He waited in my office while I packed my belongings and carried one of the boxes to my car. He stood there as though I was going reassure him that it was alright. It wasn’t. It really wasn’t.

Aftermath: I’ve been trying to recuperate these last few days. I’ve been doing things I had trouble finding time for, such as cleaning out closets, storage and files, repairing a broken vase, altering clothes and just staying busy, busy, busy.

I talked to a former co-worker. She and some others think they are also in line to be culled out. She also said that YWB told her that I wouldn’t talk to him when he carried a box of my stuff to the car…I’m mystified that he expected chat or reassurance from someone he’d just fired.

The future: My little “vacation” must end next week. I will update my resume. I will apply for unemployment, for the first time ever. I will start a job search. I have to have a job very soon. Some other person who did something bad to me once, said, “I never worry about you, you always land on your feet”. We’ll see.

As things have gotten increasingly difficult and painful at work, I’ve been spending a great deal less time on OS and though I’ve never been a frequent poster, it become even more infrequent. I’ve felt guilty that I’ve not been keeping up with reading and commenting as much on my Favorites’ posts. Now at this point of reassessing my life, I need to find a balance with OS. I want to occasionally post and I want spend a reasonable amount of time reading and commenting, rather than hiding in it and using it for avoidance, as I had done earlier this year. We’ll see.

Slaying the Smoking Demon (with a little OS help)

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 21:08:35 -0400

Day 60

This is day 60 without a cigarette. I didn’t know if it was ever going to be possible for me to quit smoking. I’ve done it. I’ve really done it.

Starting to Quit

I started trying to quit smoking on the four days off work at last Thanksgiving. The idea of going cold turkey filled me with anxiety and I didn’t think I could function, so I planned to severely cut down and then cut down from there. I went from about 30 cigarettes to 3 a day for that four day period and I was pretty nuts. My ability to concentrate was shot and I was so jittery and nerved-up that I was nearly hanging from the ceiling.

I knew I had to be able to function better than that for work so I went up to 5 cigarettes a day and the use of nicotine gum. So, began my attempt to cut down further. I would have the occasional good day and smoke fewer cigarettes and then on higher stress days smoke more and the number crept up to about 8. But consistently every day I was preoccupied with when I could have a cigarette. So much energy went into thinking about delaying smoking and when I could have my next cigarette. For months I was trapped on a plateau, barely holding the line on smoking less than 8 cigarettes a day.

Where It Began

I started smoking at fifteen. A pack of cigarettes smoked surreptitiously lasted quite a while, but I smoked much heavier after high school. Then in my early twenties, I quit smoking for eight years. Sea changes in my life - I started smoking again and the addiction had a total grip of me – for many years.

Addiction and Me

Periodically through the years, I’d made attempts to quit smoking. They never lasted long because I was impossible to be around on every try. I never understood the full nature of my cigarette addiction until this time around. There was the physical addiction to nicotine which actually was the lesser part of it for me; it was far more a psychological addiction. I’ve used smoking to repress and blunt my emotions, particularly anger and anxiety. If someone pissed me off and they did a lot, I would just smoke a cigarette or 12. The other part that I discovered the full extent of was the habit part – the habit that was a thousand habits. I’m still uncovering habits – the times, places and activities that had the habit of smoking attached.

The Light Bulb Moment and the Key

On May 30^th, AnniThyme posted about her plans to quit smoking:

http://open.salon.com/blog/annithyme/2009/05/30/quitting_-_any_advice

I read it with interest and made the following discouraged comment:

“A few months ago, I started the process of quitting. I found that I became non-functional if I went too long without smoking. And I have a job that requires very high function, so I was cutting back gradually. I was making progress until stress from work and other things got very bad and I'm smoking more again. I feel pretty desperate about it.”

Ablonde’s comment contained a quote from the quit smoking website of Joel Spitzer:

“Cutting down on cigarettes or use of nicotine replacement strategies throws the smoker into a chronic state of drug withdrawal. As soon as the smoker fails to reach the minimum requirement of nicotine, the body starts demanding it.”

This was my big Aha! moment. So simple, so clear that I couldn’t kick the addiction/habit as long as I kept putting nicotine in my system.

I began my plan for a block of time longer than a weekend. The 4^th of July holiday with an extra day – July 2^nd was my Independence Day.

How I Did It

I think I’d done most of the hardest work by cutting down a lot and loosening the hold of many of the habits. So going absolutely cold turkey was not as hard as the initial stages of cutting down. A day at a time, I’ve faced up to the occasionally very strong urges. At work, I’d go outside just as I did for smoking breaks and take non-smoking breaks, breathing deeply, looking at the sky, trees and birds.

Now

It is in very small increments, but the strong urges are becoming less frequent and a little less intense. The habits are being extinguished one by one, a little at a time.

Emotionally, I’m different. I have no replacement to blunt and dampen the strong emotions like anger. I’ve not completely lost it and told anyone off, but it’s been close. I feel more vulnerable.

The best thing about quitting smoking is the freedom. Freedom from thinking about the next cigarette, from thinking about whether I had enough cigarettes with me and whether I had a lighter. Freedom to go to any restaurant, museum or movie without calculating how smoking fit in before and after.

Future

I will never be hard on those who smoke. I understand far too well how difficult it is to quit.