tequilaanddonuts's Open Salon Blog

Mom Day: Talkin' Normal

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:11:22 -0500

"Momma, c'mon, times a'wasting. Grab yer shoppin' bags."

"......"

"We best git outta here before the rain commences."

"....."

"I don't know why you're standin' there lookin' at me like I was a singing bull, but let's git going."

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Talkin' like what Momma?"

"Normal. You haven't talked normal in years."

"I don't know what you're going on about. Now git your rain bonnet and let's git a'going. Don't forget your coupons on the icebox."

"::gasp:: You snuck off to Texas last weekend."

"I done no such thing!"

"You did! I should have suspected something. Every time I called last weekend Ben told me you couldn't come to the phone because you were in the laundry room. Like you'd spend that much time in the laundry room."

"Momma, I promise you we did not sneak off to Texas for a visit. Now let's git this rodeo started."

".....you went somewhere where people talk normal. I just know it."

"Quit fussin' about it Momma. You need to lick your calf over again, stuff is hanging out of your walker basket."

"That's it! You went somewhere. Just confess!"

"Now Momma..."

"grrrrrrrrrowwwwwwwwwllll..."

"Now don't start that...."

"grrrrrrrrrrooooowwwwwwwwllll..."

"Okay, okay, just hush up with that. We went to see Daniel's brother."

"You had to have gone somewhere else too. They don't talk normal in New Orleans. I think it's because everyone is kind of tipsy or eating."

"We visited Biloxi for a couple of days..."

"That's it! Now why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you're a big ol' worry wart about stuff."

"I'm a mother. It's my God given right to worry."

"I just didn't see the point in making you fret..."

"::snort:: You didn't want me bugging you, is what it is."

"Well that too. There's something plumb depressing about starting off each day with a phone call from you asking if we're dead yet."

"I could have been a comfort to Ben while y'all were gone..."

"Momma, it's not a comfort for you to call and ask Ben if he's managed to catch himself a'fire."

"You should have still told me! Shame on you! Shame on you for being sneaky snake!"

"Now you know I didn't mean no disrespect. I just didn't want us all to go through worry."

"Well y'all better not do that again or I'll whop you upside your silly head."

"Sorry Momma. Now you're a'talkin' normal too. Let's get gone."

"No. Let's not waste this. Let's find Thelma while we're jabbering all normal and tell her how the cow ate the cabbage."

"Our accents will push that woman right to the ditch edge."

"Yes. Bless her heart."

"teeheheheheheheheeee...."

"teehheheheheheeee...."

Live Blogging: Saints game with added H1N1

Mon, 2 Nov 2009 20:11:29 -0500

blurry, because I was afraid he'd wake up and cough at me

GO TEAzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Let me start off by saying that I know next to nothing about football. That is something I'm rather proud of considering that I grew up in Dallas.

We're currently in Gulfport, Miss. after spending a few days coughing all over family in New Orleans. The plan was to try to connect with a few old radio people while we were here and hit a good ol' it will kill you seventeen sticks of butter dinner. That didn't happen. Daniel has the 'flu. I'm well on my way.

7:39 - the football song is really loud. I know the Saints are playing some team with birds on their helmets.

7:40 - oh, they're Falcons. They just kicked something. I think a flea bit me. The plaster on the wall here is cracked in a most interesting way. Sort of looks like Spuds McKenzie.

7:44 - my cell dinged. I don't have a signal in the room. It's just taunting me. I can walk out to the pool area and stand with the creepy man standing in his boxers eating limes and get a signal. I don't think I want to text anyone that desperately. Wait, I'm suppose to be paying attention the the game. Why do all the players have weird little goatees? Some one is getting ready to throw the ball. There goes another flea across the tv screen. GO FLEAS! I mean TEAM!

7:46 - uh oh. The birds scored. I think. Coughing fit.

-commerical-

Lookit this:

These people were on the air when we lived here in 1477. Now y'all know I'm all for seniors doing whatever they do until they don't want to do no more, but really, it's like grandma and grandpa are reading you the news. It's not even called "the news," it's "The Four O'Clock Show."

7:50 - the people upstairs used the toilet. The lime man just threw a lime on the roof of the pool cabana.

7:52 - are The Saints wearing leggings? I think I'm suppose to be tense right now. They threw the ball and someone caught it. Now they're showing more head shots with weird little football goatees.

7:55 - snoring has intensified. BIG WHISTLE HEADS! I wonder if I double took DayQuil.

7:57 - TOUCHDOWN! And the fleas go wild. My hair hurts.

we've spent a great deal of time shopping for cough meds

8:02 - still commercialing. I'm not sure if the world needed a remake of "V". Should you want to become a lizard yourself, here's one method:

don't not try this at home

8:05 - Forgot I was suppose to be paying attention. Should you wonder how I would blog about a soccer match, it would read, "some guys ran this way, some guys ran that way."

8:07 - lot of guys in a big ass pile. I wonder how many of them would be big ol' whiney, "I wanted raspberry tea!", "Do we have the tissue with the lotion?", "My mom used to make me matzo ball soup when I was sick.", babies if they have the sniffles.

8:09 - I will not be watching Bears v. 49s. I would watch Bears v. Paula Deen.

8:12 - I want little flags to throw around when I think someone has done something wrong. I'd need at least 15 for my trip to Starbucks.

8:15 - I swear they just said "Sex specialist from Montana." Now someone is getting blitzed. I wonder if they're pouring Robitussin on top of something.

8:17 - I somehow missed a whole touchdown. The snoring has intensified, with sort of whimpering interspersed. Oh, the whimpering might be from me.

8:24 - A Christmas movie is opening?! And a remake of "A Christmas Carol" at that. Sometimes I miss having a little kid around, sometimes I don't.

please to enjoy my current reality

8:28 - I've completely lost the plot, but someone just made a touchdown.

8:31 - I think one of the players was texting. I wonder if he was Twittering. "I play ball good." Okay, that was stereotyping. I'll feel bad when one of The Saints calls me to ask how my Monday night went.

8:35 - Okay, they didn't just show this commercial, but watching football made me think of it - I can't be the only one that is bugged to the cotton at that stupid hair blowy Alyssa Milano commercial. OH NO, the guys in white ran a long way!

8:41 - the little run around camera angle thing is both cool and sickening. I just felt Daniel's head. I think he has a temp. I wonder if I can dribble Nyquil in his mouth. He does have it bad.

8:44 - Daniel's on the move. Gonna trap him and force meds in his mouth.

8:49 - He took his pills and I didn't even have to hold his mouth closed. I took some too. I think we both have fever. Some Falcon guy jumped up like a giant kitty and caught an interception.

It looked like this:

That's my friend, Malingering's cat. She has an awesome blog and flickr stream.

8:59 - Something happened while I was looking for the photo. Something to do with the football.

9:02 - they should use that hovering camera for the whole game just to see how many people throw up watching at home.

9:04 - that running Falcon guy is tiny, tiny. Though he appears to have moobage. Oh, just found out that my brother-in-law did the pyro for the game. The paid for pyro. He's not the guy in the bad seats shooting off firecrackers.

9:06 - INTERCEPTION TOUCHDOWN! I noticed because it caused Daniel to have a coughing fit.

9:07 - I think the announcer said that someone got "weeds in the knob."

9:12 - Daniel is coughing up a lung. It's 2nd and 6. I know that because they flashed it up on the screen. I want to be able to stop the clock for 10 seconds when I need to.

9:29 - wandered to the parking lot to look at Krispy Kreme. The light was on:

9:32 - I should leave to check the Krispy Kreme light more often, it brought The Saints good luck. There was a guy in the lobby asking if they had "personal devices."

9:36 - Did I miss half-time? Do they even do anything on tv for half-time? Or is it all just jabbering about rushes and such?

9:38 - Okay, I'm really going to straighten up and try to pay attention. Rats, I paid attention at the wrong time. 68 yard touchdown.

9:40 - Hardee's is advertising some cheeseburger that will kill you dead.

9:42 - 1st down and 38. Sounds like I have a clue. I don't. First down for me would be a hot Krispy Kreme, 38 would be the number I could consume before I blew up.

9:44 - I love my hearing loss, it makes things so much more interesting than they really are. I'm fairly certain they said that St. Nick was playing for The Saints. I'm not sure if it's fair that one side has Santa. Maybe the Falcons could have the Easter Bunny.

9:49 - the ball didn't go through the football sticks. Bummer.

9:52 - Daniel's all sweaty and cold. I just took his glasses off. What's with all the MySpace pics of the players?

9:57 - It looks like the Falcon's coach has one of those "Football for Dummies" laminated cheat cards.

10:00 - how do people watch a game all the way through? It's exhausting. The thower's little towel makes him look like he has on a diaper (sure I know it's the quarterback, but really "the thrower" is more descriptive).

10:04 - For some reason I have "Inagodadavida," or as I call it "I'm the God of Velvetta" running through my head. Daniel's up and miserable. The Falcons are still running around with the ball. Now I want to blacken my eyes and go to Krispy Kreme.

10:09 - "Avenge a loss"? You're paid twelvedebillion dollars to play a game. Suck it up.

10:11 - Score: Saints - 28 Falcons 21. But looks like Falcons might push the ball through. I bet not a one of these boys could drive an ice road truck.

10:14 - Oh dear. Touchdown Falcons. Today while shopping for cough syrup at Walmart, I noticed they had Saints shirts for $30. People were sort of shoving each other to get one. And this is in Mississippi.

10:17 - oh, they said no... maybe. Yeah, no. The crowd goes wild!

10:19 - If I played football, I wouldn't braid my hair like I was on a Jamica Fun Dayz Cruise. I'd be afraid that someone would pull those braids plumb off. (When I get sick, I get more Southern.)

10:22 - I will not be watching the Steelers vs. Broncos. I will watch Broncos vs. Rachel Ray.

10:24 - They're saying the ball came out. Dang.

10:27 - They're out of challenges. I didn't even know they had challenges. I don't think I've watched a football game since 93. Uh oh! The Falcons are all charged up and just dragging guys behind them down the field.

10:30 - Interception! The people in the stands are probably peeing themselves. Well, it's the 4th quarter in The Dome, they were probably already going to pee themselves.

10:33 - I've been watching this forever. At least five flea bites. Someone caught a ball. The cheerleaders are twelve years old.

10:35 - He caught the ball! I'll find another cat picture.

Go check out this a photo set, it's fantastic!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/malingering/sets/1785520/

10:42 - THEY SCORED! With this sort of twisty jump thingie! Falcons - 24, Saints 35.

10:45 - the Saints have special cod pieces? heheheheheee. Daniel is up and at the computer. HE LIVES!

10:47 - Let's see how long this 2:29 seconds can last.

10:49 - it would have been great to have a challenge during staff meetings. I will not be going to see "Ninja Assassin" unless Mom wants to.

10:51 - is it? Isn't it? Fumble? Holding? Geaux Saints... tick tick... dang, nope.

10:54: Being able to knock people out of bounds would be helpful during staff meetings too.

10:57 - Someone is spewing.

10:58 - 1:37 left. It takes me 1:37 to get my right shoe on and tied.

11:00 - Fumble? I need someone doing an idiot translation for me in the corner of the screen. I don't know if it's a fumble or not.

11:03 - this minute and change has morphed into almost fifteen minutes. Just like dentist time.

11:05 - I have an almost irrestible urge to change the channel just to hear Daniel scream.

11:07 - all the coaches look like they should be on "The Sopranos."

11:08 - Daniel is putting his pants back on in anticipation of the game ending. Y'all should do the same.

11:09 - :37 -I'm sure the Falcons can score a field goal and a touchdown in that time.

11:10 - I'm sure at any second someone will comment when that did happen. Like I have a clue. The birds got the ball through the football sticks. Falcons 27, Saints 35.

11:11 - "They're gonna have to come in and try to blow it up..." If I knew that there was a possiblity that people would blow up, I would have been watching football all this time.

11:13 - FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!! Big pile of players.

11:14 - okay, if they get a touchdown, I'll plotz.

11:15 - INTERCEPTION!!! The catchy guy is wiggling his butt like he's on "Toddlers and Tiaras."

IT'S OVER!!! YAY!!

Thanks all y'all for keeping me company. I really mean that. It would have been a terrible night without you.

Mom wishes you a happy Halloween

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:10:29 -0400

"So they had someone named Julie from that huge church call me."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I told Julie what I thought all right! I told her that I never felt so unwelcomed in a church before. That they needed to be less worried about my walker staying behind a pole and more worried that those fancy lights they use during the singing are going to give someone a seizure, and if they're so worried about the safety of their parishioners that they should tell everybody to quit whacking people in the head that remain seated during the singing. And I told her that having six different varieties of coffees available in the lobby is really show-offy. And that their bulletins are a weird shape that won't fit in a regular sized Bible, not that it would probably matter to her since I'm sure she's never seen a real Bible before. And that their parking lot doesn't take into consideration that there might be more than one person at a time that needed to use their walk-up ramp thingie, not that I really expect them to care about that since all they seem to worry about is if the Twilight crowd is constantly amused. And she asked me about the welcome packet they sent me. I told her I mailed it to my niece so she could see just how stupid their church is. Then I slammed down the phone."

"Uh huh. You didn't say anything of that."

"No. But I thought it!"

Mom says: "Happy Halloween, and I'll see you in Hell!"

Shopping for God

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:10:56 -0400

"Well meh. I enjoyed the music here, but not much else. You didn't seem like you enjoyed it much either."

"Why do you say that?"

"Mom, during the preaching you spent fifteen minutes trying to quietly open a cough drop. Then you folded your bulletin into a crane. Then you spent the rest of the time making faces at the little kid sitting in front of us."

"He started it. Besides, I was paying attention to the preacher."

"Really? What was the sermon about?"

"............... God?"

"::snort:: Maybe we just caught this preacher on a bad day. Should I put this church on the revisit list?"

"Yes. I'll revisit any church that doesn't take away my walker."

"I sort of liked the church from last week."

"I didn't. Back in my day making a joyful noise unto the Lord didn't require a five piece drum set and bongos."

"There were no bongos."

"There might have been. Who knows what was going on during that racket. I miss singing the old songs, you know, the hymns you can sing without a tambourine."

"I should call around and see if someone conducts a 1958 service. What about the church from a couple of weeks ago, the little one? They had real hymnals."

"Half of the congregation stared at us the whole time."

"That was a little creepy."

"And not to sound unChristian, but I don't think I could get past the preacher's lisp."

"heheheheee, I wasn't going to bring that up."

" 'Turn yourth Bithles to Matthewth twentytooth, thirty seventh.' I'm ashamed to admit it, but I was hoping the sermon would include something about a puddytat."

"hehehheheee. You're so going to hell for that one Mom."

"I liked that church that really looked like a church outside, but I don't know about the preacher there."

"He was really young, but that could be a good thing."

"He had on ripped jeans."

"That's true."

"His hair looked like the boy's in Twilight."

"That's true."

"His shirt was untucked."

"That's true too."

"There were wings on the back of his shirt."

"Okay, maybe he was a tad too young for us."

"What did you think about the really huge church we went to? He was a good preacher. I'm willing to overlook the seat cupholders in the auditorium."

"eh.... Now's my time to be unreasonable. I'm having trouble getting past the lighting and fog machine and the repeated projections to live Twitter about the service."

"Twitter? What's that?"

"Remember you were bugging me about that a couple of weeks ago. It's that thing where you leave short messages on an online bulletin board for your friends."

"Ohhhh, like Miley had. I heard about that on TMZ. How were people going to do that during the service? I didn't see any computers around."

"You can do it from your phone."

"You told me that you couldn't do that from the phone."

"No, I told you that you couldn't do that from your phone."

"Well just why not?"

"Because for the last four years every time you get a text message you call me from your landline to tell me your travel phone is fixing to blow up."

"I want to Twit."

"ugh. Okay, I'll set aside some time to come over and see if we can set you up something. Better yet, I'll have Ben come over and see if he can set you up."

"Ohhh, wait until he does something wrong and you can ground him to do it."

"A ha! You're so smart! I've been thinking we should try my friend Kelly's church next."

"Where is that?"

"It's that Lutheran church that's not far from Fred Meyer."

"I heard that Lutherans move around a lot during their service."

"I don't think they move any more than anyone else."

"I can't move around a lot. I'm also not going to eat pickled fish."

"I don't think their services include the eating of pickled fish on a regular basis."

"Still, you need to tell someone that I'm not going to move around a lot or eat fish during the service."

"Okay, I'll have Kelly tell the preacher that you're not participating in the herring line dance portion of the service."

"That's fine. I'll go then."

"I'll go as long as the service doesn't include a Jesus Laser Light Show."

"......"

"What?"

"I might want to go to the Jesus Laser Light Show."

###

[I'm going to help set up a computer in the activity room at Mom's apartment. My original intention was to help everyone there retrieve emailed pictures. Some of the ladies there are pretty good with the online thing, but are intimidated by trying to move picture files to jump drives to print. I'll see if it's feasible to set the ladies up Twitter accounts. That might be a hoot - or horrible - or a horrible hoot. I'll let you know.]

Mom's new rad friends

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:10:12 -0400

"Do you want to get out Mom? I'm just picking up a prescription."

"No, no. I'll just sit here and people watch."

looks so innocent, doesn't she?

***

"Oh Lord, you're pouting."

::sniff::

"You have no reason to be pouting at me."

::ahem::

"Ah, the silent treatment. You know that's not going to work. Besides it only took me a year of marriage to figure out that the silent treatment isn't a punishment. Now talking until their ears bleed, that's a punishment."

::cough::

"You're gonna blow. I give you twenty more seconds. In the meantime enjoy my rendition of King of the Road. ::snap snap:: Trailers for sale or rent. Blah, blah something about fifty cents..."

"I don't need a lecture from my forty six year old daughter..."

"Wow. You didn't even last twenty seconds."

"...I'll talk to who I want, when I want!"

"Mom one sentence is hardly a lecture. I was just suggesting that you might be a little more discerning about who you're talking to when I'm not around."

"Ho, ho, like you're my security guard."

"What would you have done if one of those boys strong armed you into giving him your purse?"

"Well what would you have done?"

"I could have slapped him with my upper arm fat."

"::hrumph:: The evil eye you were giving them embarrassed me. Chunk and Blunt were respectful young boys."

" 'Chunk and Blunt'? That's lovely. I'm sorry I dissed your cred in front of your new homies."

"I don't know what that means but since you said it in that smarty pants tone, you must be making fun of me."

"::sigh:: Look, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about your safety. I just want you to think a moment before you get so friendly with strangers. I mean it would give me pause if two fifteen year old boys were trying to chat with me."

"Chunk and Blunt didn't start talking to me. I started talking to them."

"What?!"

"They were sitting on the bench and I shouted at them asking if they could really ride their surfboards or if they just carried them to look cool."

"What?! And that's skateboard."

"I really didn't think that Chunk would be able to ride around on his surfboard unless Blunt pushed him..."

"What?! And that's skateboard."

"Turns out that Chunk does better tricks than Blunt. He could do a rail-slide and a Casper."

"...."

"::blink::"

"Sometimes I don't know who you are."

"I'm hungry. How far are we from Applebees?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Oh. I might have some candy then. You want part of a Twizzler?"

"Where did you get a Twizzler?"

"Blunt gave it to me."

"Hand it to me. Hand it to me!"

"::gasp:: You threw it out the window!"

"You're old enough to know not to take candy from strangers."

"I'm mad at you again!"

"You know what would teach me? Another dose of the silent treatment."

"Too late for that. Just to show you, I'm not taking my rain hat off at lunch. See how you like to be the embarrassed one."

"You're threatening me with clothing? Mom that train left the station when I turned twenty."

"You're not foolin' me. See how you like to be the woman eating with the crazy lady in the rain hat."

"The only difference from last week will be that you're wearing a hat. Now don't be silly...."

"Whatever. ::snap snap:: Trailers for sale or rent. Towels are fifty cents..."

"I don't think that line is towels."

"::snap snap:: No perms, no luncheonettes, ain't got no cigarettes..."

"Oh God..."

Mom showing me what for

***

[me opening Mom's car door]

"I'm still mad at you."

"Mom, I'm aware."

"You still picking me up for church on Sunday?"

"Yes. I'll be wearing a tube top."

"I'll wear a bikini."

"I'll go topless."

"Ha! We'll just see who can get thrown out of church first Missy!"

"It's on Old Woman. I'll walk you to the door."

"I'm perfectly capable of shredding this curb with my walker unassisted."

"Fine. See you Sunday."

"I'll be here with pasties on."