The Desperate Blogger's Open Salon Blog

Obama Slammed Over Pardon of ‘Remorseless’ Turkey

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 13:11:21 -0500

Conservative media and politicians harshly criticized President Obama today for pardoning Courage, a 45 lb turkey who they claim has expressed no remorse for his crimes.

The uproar began after Courage appeared for the taping of an exclusive interview with Fox News’ increasingly irrelevant host Sean Hannity. Hannity, believed to be the only major media figure claiming to be a fluent speaker of American Fowl, was continually frustrated by what he described as “the succulent gobbler’s refusal to answer” even the most basic questions. “He just mocked me by making birdlike noises,” Hannity said, “I wouldn’t trust this turkey as far as I could throw him and all the trimmings.”

In what conservative talk-radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon Rush Limbaugh described “one of the most nauseatingly whiny-liberal moments I have ever witnessed,” the President, flanked by his two daughters, pardoned the North Carolina fugitive during a traditional pre-holiday White House ceremony. “I predict that this will be remembered as Obama’s Willie Horton moment,” the porcine pill-popper continued, “and if it’s true that he’s being sent to Disneyland, then all I can say is that Mickey would be well advised to lock Minnie up in Cinderella’s Castle until this criminal has either moved on or become re-incarcerated.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney warned children at a petting zoo that, “The President acting as an apologist for one of our most sacred national holidays sends a message of weakness that will only embolden our enemies and threatens the safety and security of every American.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner, who reportedly cut short a holiday tanning session in a last-ditch attempt to delay the pardon, criticized the President for what he sees as acting in haste. “Just like the stimulus, just like the budget, just like healthcare, this is another example of the President harming the country by not allowing sufficient deliberation. I expressed to the White House my willingness — in fact, my desire — to delay debate on health care reform and a possible jobs bill so that Congress could spend the rest of the year conducting hearings on this turkey issue. Let the President bear full responsibility for any consequences for his premature decision regarding this beast.”

TV and radio ‘teabag partier’ Glenn Beck described the ceremony as a “shallow, transparent political ploy,” claiming that, “Obama specifically singled out a pure white Southern turkey for pardon in a vain attempt to conceal his deep-seeded hatred of white people.”

In a related story, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin denied reports that she planned to “go rogue” in her protest of Courage’s pardon, insisting that she had finalized plans weeks ago for a Black Friday helicopter tour of Disneyland….

HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL!

Consumer Alert: Interstate Insurance “Scam”

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:11:05 -0500

(Op-Ed NOT reprinted from The Washington Post)

As the Senate moves closer to debate on their version of health care — or more accurately, health insurance — reform, those in opposition are beating the drum ever louder for what they claim is a simple solution that will guarantee increased competition and result in lower premiums: “… allow consumers to purchase health insurance across state lines.” Lately they have added, for emphasis, (and in unison thanks to the lobbyists’ “send all” button) “If I can buy a car in another state, why can’t I do the same for health insurance?”

It all seems so logical. And unlike the issue we are hoping to resolve, it’s easy to understand. Even better, it fits conveniently into any sized sound bite.

Just one problem — it would only result in the further deregulation of an industry that is already monopolistic in nature. And history shows that the less a monopoly is regulated, the more its customers get screwed…

In other words, it’s a scam.

As evidence, I offer the following falsehoods that this so-called “logic” perpetuates:

that most individuals currently have the opportunity to shop for their own health coverage. The vast majority who have private insurance get it through their employer or union, who decides for them,
that there is, in fact, real competition in the industry. As long as the insurance companies are exempt from anti-trust regulations, ‘more choices’ just means there are more tables and the “Collusion Banquet”. While the House bill would remove the exemption, the Senate will have to adopt an amendment to add it to theirs, requiring an unlikely 60 votes, and
that the companies cannot currently sell insurance wherever they want

This last point gets to the real crux of the matter. This isn’t about from where people can buy insurance; it’s about from where the insurers can sell it. Currently, to do business in any state, all they have to do is set up a corporation there – and of course abide by that state’s regulations, (and pay taxes).

But by “crossing state lines” the insurance companies can set up shop in the state whose regulations are most advantageous for themselves, not their customers. It’s no accident that so many businesses incorporate in Delaware and so many credit card issuers incorporate in South Dakota. It’s about regulation — or lack of it — period.

To demonstrate why allowing the companies to sell health insurance across state lines is such a bad idea, let’s start with their own example: I live in New York. I am free to buy a car in New Jersey, Pennsylvania, or anywhere else I choose. But if New York is where the car is ‘garaged’, in other words, the car’s ‘residence’, then I must register and insure it in compliance with New York regulations. This makes sense, because if I cause damage or injury, it will most likely occur in New York, and if I’m uninsured or under-insured, it is New York taxpayers who may very likely end up footing the bill.

This holds even truer when it comes to health insurance. Uninsured and under-insured people still get sick and injured, and still get care in hospitals whether or not they can pay for it. When they can’t, it is the state that winds up making up for the shortfall in order to keep the hospitals open. So it only makes sense that the state decides, for the benefit of its resident taxpayers, what the rules are within their own borders. In New York, that means insurers must cover anybody who applies regardless of current health or pre-existing conditions. And a pre-existing condition is defined as “any condition for which a person received treatment or treatment was recommended within the preceding six months.” [Source: http://www.nysegov.com] (A history of being a victim of domestic violence, for example, is not considered a pre-existing condition – as it is in six other states and the District of Columbia.) If the person had no insurance for more than 60 days prior to enrolling, the company can impose a 12 month waiting period before they start paying for the pre-existing condition, but they cannot deny coverage.

Of course, the insurance companies, their lobbyists, and others they finance would have us believe that such regulations are not the reason they would like to sell insurance to New Yorkers, for example, from another state. It’s just that to incorporate in New York costs $170 – an expense they would be forced to pass along to their unfortunate customers…

In the meantime, while another state would be collecting taxes on the insurance companies’ profits, New York’s taxpayers, would be left to pay the shortfall resulting from under-insured patients or those with denied claims or canceled coverage.

Great idea…

Bush Enjoying New Role as “Motivationizer”

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 22:10:51 -0400

Aides to former President George W. Bush described the former Commander-in-Chief as “totally stoked” after his appearance at the Fort Worth “Get Motivated” seminar this past Monday. Mr. Bush, who daringly departed from standard motivational topics by urging those who stayed awake long enough to “stand by (their) beliefs” was reportedly “overwhelmed by initial reports of the audience response” to his message.

According to a “Get Motivated” spokesman, “As President, Mr. Bush always felt one of his many responsibilities was to act as what he described as ‘Motivationizer-in-Chief’ – to inspire individual citizens to act boldly. And I don’t think most Americans appreciate the fine job he did in accomplishing just that. We are both thrilled an honored that he has chosen our organization as the vehicle through which he will continue to inspire others.”

Indeed, industry experts credit Mr. Bush with what they describe as many unprecedented ‘motivational feats’ during his eight years as President, including:

Getting members of the Republican Party to totally abandon their belief in fiscal conservatism in favor of military aggression and Medicare-related subsidies for large insurance companies
Inspiring countless thousands of young people on four continents to commit to ‘holy jihad’ against the United States and all American nationals
Convincing hundreds of millions of otherwise decent human beings that torture is o.k.

While still debated among experts, the former President is also widely credited with being solely responsible for motivating the American public to elect the first Black President in the nation’s history.

And judging by the whelming response from many seminar attendees, the office of the Presidency had little to do with Mr. Bush’s personal impact on others.

Bubba Triplett, a Fort Worth septic tank cleaner who was in attendance, perhaps best summed up the opinions of many who came in search of motivation toward a better life when he told reporters, “I never appreciated the impact that a single speech could have on an individual’s life. Until tonight, I was generally satisfied with my place in the world, but after listening to President Bush for just five minutes, I’d have given anything to be wearing a dynamite vest.”

Warlord Committee Awards Obama Afghan Presidency

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:10:29 -0400

Kandahar, October 23 – In the latest, and perhaps biggest surprise of the end-of-year awards season, the committee representing Afghanistan’s most prestigious tribal leaders and warlords has named Barack Obama the next President of the war torn nation. The award marks the first time a leader of a nation with whom most of the country’s citizens consider themselves at war has been so honored.

A visibly surprised Obama told reporters that he was, “both honored and humbled” to receive the honor, adding, “I don’t feel I belong in the same tent with many of the distinguished past recipients, so I will accept this award as a ‘call to action’ to bring Western-style democracy that will improve the lives of the Afghan people and bring added stability to the region.”

In a gesture designed to demonstrate his commitment to democracy, the American President said he hopes to form a coalition government with the winner of the November 7^th popular election runoff between opposition leader Abdullah Abdullah and incumbent Bush-appointee Hamid Karzai. Under the plan, Obama would assume power over only the regions currently controlled by the warlords and tribal leaders responsible for awarding him the presidency, and the democratically elected president would preside over the areas currently under the control of Afghanistan’s central government – an area believed to total nearly sixteen acres in and around downtown Kabul.

Shortly after the White House press briefing, GOP lawmakers, in a stunning reversal, called for the immediate withdrawal of all U.S. forces from Afghanistan. When asked if such a move might jeopardize President Obama’s mission, not to mention his safety while he is there, House Minority Leader John Boehner responded, “It’s been well over six years since any significant number of U.S. military and National Guard forces were in the same country as the President, and it’s never been a concern before.”

For his part, President Obama downplayed suggestions of a rift between himself and Republicans on Capitol Hill, telling red-carpet interviewer Ryan Seacrest, “As a matter of fact, I plan to name Republicans currently serving in both houses of our Congress to virtually every cabinet-level and key government office in Afghanistan.” After an intern explained to the obviously befuddled Seacrest that Congress does indeed consist of two houses, the President continued, “I believe their experience in dealing with their core supporters in the United States makes Republicans ideally suited to working with, and for, a fervently religious population, and their ideas and principles make them uniquely qualified to lead the nation of Afghanistan into the 19^th Century.”

Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), believed by most insiders to be the President’s top choice to become Afghan Finance Minister, told reporters, “I am of course taken totally by surprise. After all, what has he done to merit this? But that being said, when the President calls upon you to serve, if you are able, you serve. I am also heartened by the prospect of having Republican control in Afghanistan. After such a long and difficult history, speaking for myself, I feel a moral obligation to do everything within my power to ensure that the good people of Afghanistan never again suffer the tyranny of a government-run health care system.”

Heene Family Faces Terror Probe, Marriage Annulment

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 20:10:46 -0400

During a whirlwind afternoon that appeared to some observers as a sort of “bad reality television marathon,” the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado saw the arrest of their three sons, ages 6, 8 and 9, for their alleged involvement in a sophisticated plot to bomb targets in New York City, as well as the surprise annulment of the marriage of parents Richard and Mayumi.

The first surprise came shortly after 12:00 p.m., when Mayumi Heene opened the door to a person claiming to be an executive from the cable network TLC, and instead was served with legal papers informing she and her husband that their marriage had been annulled by Louisiana judge Keith Bardwell. When reached for comment, Bardwell noted that the couple is biracial. “There is a problem with both groups accepting a child from such a marriage,” Bardwell said. “I think those children suffer and I won’t help put them through it.” When asked if he was aware that the couple has been married for quite some time and has three sons between six and nine years old, Bardwell replied, “Better late than never.”

After confirming that the annulment is only enforceable in Tangipahoa Parish’s 8th Ward in Louisiana, where Bardwell has held his elected position for the past 34 years, Mrs. Heene reportedly relaxed. Her husband however, is said to have yelled several profanities before kicking an electronic frequency modulator across their living room.

According to a neighbor, “That’s when things started getting weird.”

Next to arrive was a joint team of FBI and Homeland Security officers bearing a search warrant for the premises and any family property as well as an arrest warrant for the three boys, who it is alleged, are high level al Qaeda operatives. According to a source familiar with the investigation, an alert member of the Fort Collins police force noticed that while hiding in an attic above their garage, Six year old Falcon had napped on a beaded car-seat cover authorities believe once belonged to former Afghan-born Denver Airport shuttle-bus driver and terror suspect Najibullah Zazi. According to Karl Toomey of the Denver FBI office, who spoke on condition of anonymity as the investigation is ongoing, police also found in the attic where the boy was hiding a box of beauty products “that could be used as bomb components”. Toomey dismissed the boys’ accounts that the beauty products belonged to their father, telling reporters, “From start to finish, we see in the case a classic example of kids lying and concealing evidence when they’re afraid of getting into trouble.”

When told his three sons would be taken into custody, Richard Heene reportedly yelled several obscenities before kicking his eight-year-old son, Ryo, across their living room.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, rejuvenated by his role as ‘Friend #1’ on ‘Fox & Friends’, while commending authorities for their swift action in foiling the alleged terror plot, took the opportunity to point out how, in his words, “the policies of the current administration jeopardize the safety of every American”. According to Cheney, “Why would anyone who cares about our country, our values, and the safety of our citizens hesitate, even for a second, to shoot down an unknown craft heading towards one of our airports just because somebody told them a six-year-old child was on board?”

In a related story, attorneys for Jon Gosselin said their client would never sign-off on the proposed reality show, “Three-Way Plus Eleven”, starring his estranged wife Cate, the Heene’s, and both couples’ children, saying that their client is firmly resolved in his commitment to not allow what he considers the exploitation of his children on any show in which he does not appear.