TheObsoleteMan's Open Salon Blog

Black History Month:Lesser Known Facts

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 10:02:59 -0500

Black History month began on February 1st. Also February 1st was National Dark Chocolate Day. The fact that both of these are on the same day seems flagrantly racist to me. It also seems odd that we even have a Black History month. After all what is called Black history is, in reality, simply American history. While the contributions of Dr. Martin Luther King, Frederick Douglas, and Condoleezza Rice are well known, here are some of the lesser known people and historic events in Black culture that are often overlooked.

Jack Johnson, the first African-American heavyweight champion, patented a wrench in 1922. The term "Johnson" has referred to a tool ever since.

May 1965: Huey Mohammad X and Queen Shaniqua X of Watts county, CA name their baby daughter "Heather."

Feb. 1973: Boxing promoter Don King purchases the rights to William "Buckwheat" Thomas's hair style for $35 cash.

July 1927: Edwin Perkins invents red Kool-Aid.

July 4 1826: Founding father, president, and writer of the U.S. Constitution Thomas Jefferson dies of jungle fever.

February 1, 1974 Jimmie "J.J" Walker first utters the catch phrase "Dyn-O-Mite!"

August 1969: Black dancer/actress Paula Kelly is the first person to show pubic hair in Playboy magazine.

1972: At the Republican national convention Sammy Davis Jr. endorses Richard Nixon for president and gives him a big hug.

Dec 1950: A young Jesse Jackson discovers alliteration.

June 12, 1972: The first Popeyes Chicken opens in Arabi, Louisiana.

Feb 1963: Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. begins treatment for parasomnia, a sleeping disorder causing vivid dreams.

Feb 1934: Musicians Wilson "Thunder" Smith and Sam "Lightnin' " Hopkins compose the blues classic "Stormy Weather"

October 3, 1995 Jury finds O.J. Simpson not guilty of two counts of murder.

Jan 24, 2011 Oprah Winfrey shocks her audience by revealing she has a half sister and that her mother was a skanky ho.

1964: On the TV show "Missing Links" comedian Nipsey Russell invents Rap.

1929: America's first benefit concert is staged to raise money for the burial of blues legend Blind Lemon Jefferson. It was called Lemon-Aid.

1966:Dr. Maulana Karenga creates the African-American holiday, Kwanzaa, which is Swahili for "we just made this up, honky".

Actress Halle Berry was named for Halle's Shoe Store, a local landmark in Cleveland, Ohio where she was born. Her parents had hoped she would one day be a streetwalker.

Rev. Al Sharpton toured with world-famous gospel singer, Mahalia Jackson and preached his first sermon at the age of four. He has sought center stage ever since.

The invention of the first large-scale blood bank is credited to African-American surgeon Charles R. Drew who, oddly enough, was also a vampire.

1919 George Washington Carver discovers the 300th use for the peanut when, alone with his dog, he smears peanut butter on his penis.

Oct. 1993: High school freshman A$hanique Niger first coins the phrase "O NO U DINT"

Feb. 1994: Eddie Murphy ceases being funny.

Sept 1992: Qwanisha Horowitz, a young biracial girl, is the first to play the song " I Like Big Butts" at her Bat Mitzvah.

July 1989: K'yeon Jones is the first man to accidentally fall down while trying to walk with his pants down to his knees in saggy fashion.

1980: Procter and Gamble introduces Grape Crush

Oct 2008: Due the collapse of the economy rapper 50 Cent is downgraded to 23 Cent.

April 5, 1968: Mrs. Trayneshae Violet of Harlem, NY is the first person to hang a photo of both John F. Kennedy and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. next to her black velvet painting of Jesus.

Feb. 1978: Alone in his sister's closet, a young Tyler Perry tries on his first dress.

Beauty: repost for Little Kate's poetry challenge

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 13:02:40 -0500

_{for Michelle}
You sigh before the mirror
and tell me that
your body is not beautiful
I can only hug you
to let you know
how wrong you are

If you could see yourself
through my eyes
If you could see yourself
through my hands
and through my body
you would know

Beneath my hands
your small breasts
are perfection's prize
downy soft and warm
rising and falling
with the breath of life

Beneath my hands
your inviting vulva
is a warm nest
enveloping flesh
a refuge of protection
and nurturer of life

Beneath my tongue
your clitoris glistens
like an amber jewel
like a treasure
offered to the Gods
to obtain a blessing

Your mouth formed in orgasm
your eyes lustful and longing
the curve of your hip
the small of your back
the gentle slope of the
nape of your neck
negate classic critiques of art
obsolesce treatises of excellence
render poetry singsong
Until at last
in our love-soaked bed
all beauty is revealed

Valentine's Day Fun Facts You Should Know

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 12:02:32 -0500

First , A Valentine Question: When a liberal like Al Franken sends Valentine hearts, are they bleeding?

Valentine's Day Fun Facts You Should Know:

On valentine's day a married woman will spend 1 minute reading the Valentine's day card from her husband, 13 minutes eating Valentine's day chocolate, 154 minutes eating dinner out with her husband, and 7 minutes staring at the ceiling.

189 million stems of roses are sold in the U.S. on Valentine's Day. Curiously only 55 million rose buds are sold.

About 3% of pet owners will also give Valentine's Day gifts to their pets. Their pet will be more appreciative then their spouse.

15% of women will send themselves flowers for Valentine's Day. This is why God made batteries.

"Cupid's Arrow" comes from the same Greek word as "chloroform".

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who would be their Valentine. In the 1970's this was called a "key party".

If you find a glove on the road on Valentine's Day, your future beloved will have the other missing glove. Or be one handed.

The oldest surviving love poem is written in a clay tablet from the times of the Sumerians, inventors of writing, around 3500 B.C . In it the word "tits" is used 9 times.

If you see a flock of doves on Valentine's Day, you will have a happy, peaceful marriage. And a messy car.

To be awoken by a kiss on Valentine's Day is considered lucky. Unless you fell asleep because you were roofied.

One Line Valentine's Day Poems

I see your face when I'm dreaming. That is why I wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; words that describe everything you're not.

To the one who became my wife: Marrying you screwed up my life.

My feelings for you no words can tell. Except for maybe "go to hell."

It feels so good, it feels so right. But I have to return to my wife tonight.

You have the prettiest face and eyes, too bad about your big fat thighs.

The way our love and emotions flow, I'll see you on the Maury show.

I long to hear, sweet and short, those loving words "See you in court".

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Or perhaps a summer's eve? For you, my true dearest one, are a douche indeed.

Love at the lips was touch. As sweet as I could bear. Dear wife, when 'ere we kiss, I feel your facial hair.

Our love will never be cold and shallow. Unless, of course, you refuse to swallow.

Valentine Thought: When Leonard Cohen wrote his song "There Ain't No Cure For Love" he hadn't met my ex-wife.

I only think this way because my marriage was like a Valentine. A Valentine's Day Massacre.

Happy New Year ! You are now one year closer to your death

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 14:12:35 -0500

That says it all.

A Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 12:12:52 -0500

(note :I did not write this. I just wanted to share the holiday joy)

A Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
Buttered rum and mistletoe
Christmas trees and hanging lights
The sound of carolers fills the night

Shopping hours long and hard
Visa phones and cancels card
Unpaid bills and mounting debts
Family gathers; depression sets

Drinking starts, harsh words are said
Dysfunction rears its yuletide head
Argument turns to shovin'
Drunken brother punches cousin

Tree tips over, popping lights
Curtains catch, house ignites
No one hears the reindeer cries
Wedged in chimney, Santa dies

Though he kicked and did perspire
His chestnuts roasted on an open fire.

comedian Paul Gilmartin's website can be found here:

http://www.paulgilmartin.com/