Theodora L'Engle Knight's Open Salon Blog

Plz check out Maron's WTF podcast if you haven't already.

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 08:10:04 -0400

no, i'm not back. still anxious, still unable to concentrate enough to read everyone's writing. can't read anything long online, can't read magazines in person. whatever. still don't feel safe on here emotionally and clearly never will. whatever. life goes on. and i'm lucky enough to have my stupid Special Needs Trust so i won't lose my teeth and could get a flat screen tv if i wanted to, if i didn't already watch waaaay too much tv as most agoraphobic people do. but i do listen to NPR, a shitload of it, and i do read constantly, just not online. still crazy and not blessed with many in person friends. but i still have the cutest and sweetest Canine-Americans in the western world, as i'm told when i do leave the house.

no, i get nothing for referring people to this site/cast. i just love comedy and this is a fantastic thing that this hugely under-rated guy is doing. he's always been kind of a mess emotionally and pretty much sabotaged himself so he never had the kind of career that he could and should have had.

but this is excellent excellent work. he interviews comics of all kinds. performers, writers, whatever. lately it was Carrot Top. yes, i know, but it was interesting and moving and the guy has thoughts and feelings and Maron got it all out and about. everyone from Jimmy Fallon to Lisa Lampanelli -- a foul-mouthed favorite of mine -- to live shows with multiple artists. some of it is funny, of course, but a lot of it is pretty freaking soulful and existential. shit, i need to email and ask him to do Kathy Griffin. well, not "do" her exactly, but talk to her.

http://www.wtfpod.com/

and i'm sure all you hipsters already know about Stitcher. com, but wtf, right? you download it to your phone, well, at least to an Android one -- i'm sure that the Iphone makes you breakfast while you listen to podcasts from all over the world and beyond and i of course should have gotten one instead because this fucking Droid drives me nuts -- and you can listen to a huge variety of crap/carp. NPR stuff, WTF, Adam Carolla, all kinds of comedy and news and whatever.

so that's that. hope everyone is doing well and thriving and i send love love love and gratitude, as always.

oh, and the Wonderpups send licks and kisses too.

Tink. THANG is a Scrabble word & Vote for Progressive Slate!

Wed, 11 May 2011 22:05:13 -0400

isn't that cool, tinkerbell!grrrl too and some others. in honor of your peeps, i vote for Pffffft.

godiverse, i hate technology. it freaking bites, dude. my laptop died and i was desperate and wanted to be able to return the new one, so i got a 17 freaking inch monster floor model at Radio Shack because i wanted to be able to return it without paying a restocking fes. too much experience with that crap/carp.

well, come to find that i have vast trouble typing on this thang. can't seem to adjust to the typing section being only a portion of the keyboard. and it turns out that i don't really care about the enhanced visuals and larger screen. who knew????? i'm usually a fast typist and i get a thrill out of that... i know, kvetch kvetch kvetch, when i'm blessed to be able to afford a new computer at all. i also got a toshiba netbook because it's so freaking cute, thinking that i would WRITE IN COFFEEHOUSES. turns out i don't do that because i keep vampire hours and most wireless cawfee places close earl in this godforsaken Too Hip for School not a city just a big town city of Portland, OR.

so, my current mission is to do a Michelin guide to local bars that do have wi-fi!!! i began last night with a venue that has Taco Tuesday. the worst tacos in the western world. not even tacos. and then i vomited all freaking night and now can't get the freaking stains out. godiverse really secretly loves me. he/it is just not effusive. that's my current theory anyway. he/it figures the inheritance that i seem to never ever receive and never will. that's it for a long long time. again, extremely gratefu for the moneyl. very very very grateful. but, shit, is a decent taco really that much to ask? and i seriously hate hate hate vomiting.

okay, on to what is important. well, aside from the Scrabble breakthrouh that i hope makes Tinkertot as happy as it made me:

If you're NOT VOTING for these Progressive Slate selection or other remarkable organizations, please start doing it if it suits your politics and shit, at Pepsi Refresh. yes, i loathe corporations of every kind these days and soda is toxic as hell, but this program has given millions and millions of dollars away to extremely worthy causes. and it's something tiny that a person can do every day.

so, here is the email with the info. you can also Search for whatever is your passion. i also vote for the Humane Society and the ASPCA since i LOVE animules sooo much.

Dear Theodora,

This is your daily reminder to cast your votes for the Progressive Slate groups today! There are several ways you can cast your votes each day:

Get started by going to the Pepsi site and logging in using the bar at the bottom. Then, come back to this email.

Either go your Dashboard (there's a link on the bar at the bottom of the page) and click on the groups you've voted for in the past. Or click on each of the links below and vote one at a time!

Have you had any trouble voting? Click here to see some frequently asked questions about voting.

Voting using text messages as well!

If you have a cell phone and the ability to send in text messages, you can also send in an another 5 votes! We're trying to make a strong push up the leaderboard and that's why we're giving people five numbers that they can vote for today. Simply send each of the following numbers to Pepsi at 73774 one at a time:

106348
106377
106418
106307
106323

The competition is getting tough...we're losing our hold on some of the top positions. Help us make a push!

Thanks for your support!
All the groups participating in the Progressive Slate in May

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The Progressive Slate is a group of organizations working together to win the
Pepsi Refresh Everything contest. The Progressive Slate is a project of the Center for Progressive Leadership. You are receiving this email because you have signed up to be a daily voter with the Progressive Slate. If you would not like to receive future emails please edit your profile at http://action.progressleaders.org/profile/login.jsp or unsubscribe from all mailings at http://action.progressleaders.org/unsubscribe.jsp. You are registered with the following email: prozaconpaws@yahoo.com

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Happy Mother's Day from my idol Jane Goodall and from me!

Sun, 8 May 2011 20:05:42 -0400

Send a Free JGI E-Card for Mother's Day!

You're the best

Being close

Big hug

Caring

Together forever

You're always there

and, this, as forrest gump used to say, is all i have to say about that. :)

TEARS & FEARS & FEELING PROUD & GRATEFUL. PICS!...

Sat, 7 May 2011 04:05:54 -0400

{NOTE: please ignore everything I say below about how outstanding my Wonderpup/Service Dog Cocoa Chanel is. After a cheeseburger/pizza/ baby carrot –filled evening, my lovely girl just now pulled a dish down from the top of the sofa back and wolfed a chocolate CHUNK cookie and would have ingested more if I hadn’t come back from the bathroom right then. Now, of course, I’m furious with myself for leaving it there since chocolate is poisonous to canine-americans, but it’s so much easier to yell at cocoa and order her to her crate… before anyone calls the ASPCA on me, I never allow this to happen and I so rarely raise my voice to my girls that they don't know what’s going on when I do. But if anyone is in the market for an energetic omnivorous Chihuahua/Mini Pincher/ Dachshund mix, please let me know… }

Just to provide an updated visual of myself and the dogs...

This is such a strange time. How strange is it, Theo? :) Well, all of you who have had parents die, parents with whom you didn’t have, well, let’s just say that things weren’t all Beaver Cleaver, or even Wally, at home. And, yes, Virginia, I am that old.

But today I feel blessed. Godiverse backed off a little with the Constant Carp/Crap that is generally my “life” and allowed me some fabulous Abundances and I could not be more grateful. I believe in Gratitude and in expressing it. It doesn’t increase the positive in my life, as it apparently does for Oprah and Sainted Others, but, shit, it can’t hurt, right?

You see, I don’t remember my lovely childhood, from 2 to age 14. plus I’ve blocked out a huge portion of my adult life. Well, ever since my “mother” died in December, I’ve been getting flashes, flashbacks, whatever, of those adorable years. It’s just a blast, guys. Just a sheer freaking delight.

Okay, and to make everything even more fabulous, well, this is the deal… My meds doc has increased my bipolar meds and I’m doing better and better. I’m off Cymbalta now and slowly weaning off of Bupropion/Wellbutrin… Well, I have not been able to cry for many years now. Only at animal stuff and at tv movies where someone is exceptionally kind to someone else, for no reason, with no agenda. But even then, there were a few tears and that was pretty much it.

I never had any idea that the dry eyes and ocular infections and shit had anything to do with that drug. The attractive sweating and the lack of sex drive? Yes, that connection was extremely clear to me. Come to find out that the Not Crying thing was also a side effect. As my Jewish relatives used to say, Who knew? Right?

So, of course, now, I cry all the time. It’s extremely disconcerting, but it helps to remind myself that this is most likely a decade of pent-up sobbing that’s been itching to get out. The very annoying aspect of all this is that the freaking Wonderpups are not the least bit sensitive to my crying jags. Which is quite ironic considering that Ella alerts me to my panic attacks by jumping on my shins and I trained her to do this based on the time that I was in a shrink’s office and I was in major tears and she jumped on the guy’s shins to get him to stop upsetting me. That’s a lot of what training has been for me, reinforcing behaviors that my canine-americans do naturally.

But the thing is that my girls have not seen this level of emoting since probably that day with the therapist because it’s likely that I’ve been on Cymbalta since that time. Their indifference to my keening and moaning is, to say the least, discouraging, since they are my Service dogs and all that crap/carp.

Shit, I’ve forgotten what else I wanted to talk about. Fuck this getting old bullcrap. My formerly Steel Trap memory is now more of an Aluminum Sieve deal. But that’s a rant for another day.

Oh, I think I was going to share my pretty miraculous appointment this evening with an Actual Therapist who gives a crap/carp and who charges $40 an hour and will slide even further. She’s new in this field, but I’ve done a Michelin guide to shrinks over the decades and I’ve found that someone either has it or he/she doesn’t. A person has empathy and intuition and compassion or a person don’t. Professionals, and I use the term loosely, can have 25 year careers and still be major major major cold-hearted assholes.

Case in point, a few months ago, I went to see a “Bipolar Expert”. Well, this sheer delight of a woman… let me tell you instead. Okay, so I actually thought I had an appointment with her colleague but it was not a big deal to me to be seeing her instead. Well, it was a HUGE thing to her. It was like 7^th grade. She couldn’t get over the fact that I was on her schedule and she didn’t know who I was or who referred me. Could not get past it. So much, in fact, that she had to call her partner and chat and chat and chat about this disturbing development. While I was sitting there waiting for her.

Now, my wondergirls are pretty freaking good about not going potty inside anywhere that isn’t our apartment. Here, they have wee wee pads, but they get it that it is only here that they have this option. Well, interestingly, Cocoa (she’s chocolate-colored”) Chanel immediately went across the room close to where this bitch was talking and peed on her rug. I was astounded and mortified but of course I realized later that my sweetheart “knew” that this was not a decent person and was letting me know. She’d never done this before but she somehow knew that I was dealing with a Major League Asswipe and found a way to alert me. Too bad I didn’t pick up on the signal and bolt out of there.

So the douchebag finally gets past the fact that I’m there and finally gets it that I’m Bipolar 2. Doesn’t want to know my history or to diagnose me – she claims – but just talk to me and then I will go see her colleague. Whatever, right? She asks me what has been happening lately, so I tell her about my Losing It with the future Trustees of my inheritance because my new bipolar meds hadn’t kicked in yet and because no one was communicating with me exactly what the fuck was going on with the trust and the court and with them helping me to Have a Better life which I was pretty keen on now that i knew that this was a possibility.

Well, so, Asswipe says to me, Do you know about Borderline Personality Disorder? Shit, man, do I know about this crap/carp? Give me a fucking break. This was a common and discouraging and demeaning aspect to my life before I was finally diagnosed as Bipolar, not to mention that life is not All or Nothing despite what Major major major Willfully Ignorant Dickheads think. So it’s very possible that I’m Bipolar and also have Borderline behavior due to my Idyllic childhood about which I am delightedly learning more and more since my “mother’s” death.

There was no treatment for Borderline back in the day. Now there is DBT and blah blah blah. So I would be given that diagnosis by lazy shrinks who couldn’t be bothered to talk to me further and written off and dismissed and treated as hopeless and worthless. Sounds just terrific, doesn’t it? So let’s just say that I have a teeny tiny problem with being faced with that diagnosis.

But Douchebag kept telling me that she wasn’t diagnosing me as she kept Diagnosing me. No wonder Cocoa peed on her rug, right? I told her how upsetting I found that Dx and that I wanted her to stop talking about it. Her Asswipe response? “You brought it up.” Pure Junior High, along with the chatting and emotional laziness and just plain cruel mean girl shit.

So she tells me that she has NEVER EVER EVER encountered a Bipolar person who behaves the way that I had. NEVER EVER EVER!!! Are you freaking fucking kidding me????

Well, I had NEVER EVER EVER run into such an insensitive and mean and spiteful “therapist”. Of course I had but please forgive me a tiny bit of hyperbole here because this was at an extremely high level of Asshole-ishness. Very high level, man. And this whole time, Cruella Deville – a Big version of her anyway with her sweater pinned with a safety pin to fit over her protruding belly – is telling me that she is NOT DIAGNOSING ME. now I have no judgment about Large people, believe me. I’ve lost another 10 pounds over the past year, but I’m in the Zaftig category and know all about food and eating challenges.

The thing is that when someone is basically telling you that you are Fucked and that person clearly has ISSUES that are a tad visible to the not so naked eyes, well, it’s a major Pot and Kettle and more situation.

I left there feeling shell-shocked and devastated and like a giant piece of shit. In time I got in touch with my Anger, of course, but when I walked out of her office, I was a figment of the person I was when I walked in.

And I had had several similar encounters over the several months of finally having money on the horizon and finally being able to see someone decent, not even necessarily needing a Sliding Scale person at this point. The level of meanness and ignorance and just plain not kindness that I ran into was pretty freaking horrifying.

So today? To get to spend an hour with a lovely, pretty, hugely empathic and compassionate person who really got it that I had been without an affordable therapist, without ANY THERAPIST, for years and that my “mother” had passed on to Hades and that I was having flashbacks and crying all the time now and just needed to talk and talk and talk for several weeks before addressing my Issues???? I can’t even express the feelings of relief and joy and also huge grief at having been without this level of kindness, actually without any level of kindness, for so many years, which has not been helped by the fact that I am Agoraphobic and rarely get/got out into the World, such as it is.

So of course I walked the Wonderpups down the street and proceeded to eat Mass Quantities of cheeseburger and pizza and beer and everything that the girls and I could get a hold of. Needless to say, my Canine-Americans couldn’t have loved me more. I have rarely been so popular with them.

Now I am emotionally exhausted and cried out, for now. We will see what tomorrow will bring, how many tears and flashbacks and whatever… it’s still today and Cocoa is under the throw on the couch, between my legs, no, not in a sick way, and Ella Fitzgerald is fast asleep beside me and I feel satiated on so many levels.

So thank you, Godiverse, for all of the abundance today, for all of these blessings. And for the knowledge and feeling of safety in the world that comes from knowing that I can vent and vent and vent and cry if I want to again next Friday night at 7 PM. This is especially fortuitous for someone who keeps Vampire hours in order to avoid People and Life, both of which she finds pretty freaking Overrated.

But for tomorrow, onward and upward, right?

Ding Dong the Sociopathic Bitch is Dead! & other crap/carp.

Mon, 2 May 2011 05:05:18 -0400

Bullet One:

I’ve been meaning to check in for a while now. It’s been more than a year, after all...

What finally got me to get in touch is the whole Bin Laden being dead thing. What is sad is that I have become so cynical that I suspect/believe that the CIA did not kill him or find his body, that instead he just died on his own, if he is dead at all. This feels like a major “Wag the Dog” situation. If you haven’t seen this film with Dustin Hoffman and
Gene Hackman about a Presidential scandal and a team of government officials and Hollywood producer/director creating a fictional television war to distract everyone from said dirty deeds, check it out.

Shit, man, grim subjects with humor is supposed to be my Thang – thanks, Tink – but I’m running a high fever from yet one more sinus infection and yada yada yada. So I owe a whole lot of dark humor in any future posts, if there are any.

But after 10 years, the CIA actually found this A—hole and he’s conveniently dead? Today, the week after the Correspondents Dinner? Seriously, man?

This is all just too convenient. Obama’s base, myself included, is almost totally disenchanted with him. Thank Godiverse for comedy. Seth Myers whole bit about how the president would love the 2008 version of himself??? Like Buttah… This country and the world is royally fucked economically and in other ways. Republicans have become rapacious and Evil to an extent that is beyond comprehension. Planned Parenthood? Obama’s teleprompter? Again, kudos and congrats to him for being so entertaining. Now, sir, as I’ve been saying for a long time, it’s time to find your balls, sir. You gave those Right Wing douchebags more budget cuts that they asked for???? Eff you, man. Eff you and the horse you rode in on.

God, it feels good to vent to some others who share at least some of my views and my broken-heartedness.

Obama was extremely funny at the dinner. The videos were brilliant. I know that, but I dislike him so much now and trust him so little that I don’t care. In fact, I hated seeing him being charming and sharp and acting like he gives a shit and taking his enemies on when this is not the man who has been “leading” us.

Hence my complete skepticism about this Bin Laden crap. Our president needed a win desperately. He needed a reason for this hideous war and some results to finally present to us and to the world. I’m thrilled that this supposed event has resonated around the globe and cheered so many millions up. We all needed some good news so freaking badly. Too bad that, I suspect, it’s all a huge lie. Whatever… Welcome to venial and vituperative Politics these days, right?

Bullet Two:

My ex-con convicted liar Leona in Polyester “mother” died in December, I think it was. I found out about it from my “sister” the day after Mom passed away. Had no idea Z, for Zena, was even sick. “sis” emailed me a few times, she claims, but I had blocked her email because, basically, we hate each other and it was too painful to have any Just the Facts contact with her. I just assumed that my sociopath of a parent would live forever, like Rasputin, so it never occurred to me to even think about her death.

This has been a bitch and a half to work through. My feeling is that what my c---sister did was morally bankrupt, especially for someone who is an observant religious person, a Conservative Jew. I believe, beyond words, that she had an obligation to write to me, call me, send a Pony Express telegram… at least one version of something else. She didn’t have my phone number because she refused to talk to me on the phone, but, fuck her, one brother is a cop in San Diego. He could have found this out.

And, get this, magically the day after my “mother” died, my c--- of a sibling realized that she could contact me on Facebook!!!!! This is how I found out that the Bitch was Dead. Poof, out of the ether, she suddenly thought of this option once Z was deceased and there was no chance of my getting my Agoraphobic ass back to Boston and her having to deal with me. the irony being, of course, that I couldn’t have made it Back East to say good-bye or to go to the funeral because I AM AGORAPHOBIC.

Well, any ethical and educated person – Sis is a lawyer, went to Hampshire and Rutgers Law – would know that it’s hard enough losing a parent with whom you had a loving relationship. But when someone with whom you had a terrible one dies??? Fucking A! That is a quantum leap worse. Too be ignorant of this, to refuse to make sure that another child of this hideous woman has a chance to say good-bye, to have her say. There is no closure with shit like this, but at least there can be an attempt at some truth before it’s too late.

Well, onward and upward…

Bullet Three –

Okay, my rants are over for now. The good news in all this is that all four of us finally inherited our Grandma Esther’s trust. Z had been living off the interest and dividends for years. Esther knew that she was the modern equivalent of a Riverboat Gambler and didn’t want her to piss away money that was meant for us.

So, bottom line, almost $500, 000 is coming my way. And, shit, YES, I KNOW HOW INCREDIBLY BLESSED I AM TO HAVE THIS BOUNTY!!!! I totally get that. To be given a Nest Egg when I had just assumed that I would be scraping by for whatever remains of my “life”, as so many millions are doing, is phenomenally fabulous. The delay is not because of probate. It’s due to Sis’ insistence that the funds be put in a Special Needs Trust for me, mostly, I suspect, because she and my brothers want me taken care of for the rest of my life so they won’t have to help me or see me again or whatever.

Well, despite her reasons for wanting me to do this, it does make sense because I am traumatized by money ever since my dead husband’s pancreatic cancer took all of our money. Watching a lifetime’s assets drain away, as so many people have gone and are going through now due to Obamas and the Democrats refusing to man up and fight for us at a time when Corporate profits are through the roof and yet these fucking Robber Barons refuse to hire anyone... Whew, okay, I won’t go into another rant. Not tonight anyway. So, anyway, I am not comfortable making my own financial decisions. I will have input, of course, but the money will be managed and Growed, I hope, and I will be able to ask for disbursements as needed to improve my Quality of Life.

It feels amazing to actually have a team, well anyone, that has my back, to have People whose focus is to make my life better. What does suck is that if I had my Druthers – once again I would like to know what Druthers are – I would give half of this money away to organizations that are helping those in dire need. But, under this Trust agreement, I am not allowed to do this. I am required to allow these funds to last me for as long as I’m here on Earth.

And before anyone launches in to me, I am and have been donating a lot of money, for me. and will do more of that when I have access to the trust. that is the part that feels so good. it's a blessing to be able to give to causes that i'm passionate about and not just sign petitions online and share on FB. it's not much. again, i don't have access yet. But i'm supremely fortunate, i know, to not have to police the money i've managed to save over these thrifty years, to be able to let go of some of it, knowing that more is coming. and when i die, i have already named people and organizations that will get what is left.

I've written about this at length, but i suspect that because i've always found Life and People to be pretty Overrated, less so now that my meds cocktail is better and better, and because Godiverse is perverse with a sick sense of humor, that i will end up living forever, rocking on the porch when I'm 120, bitching and moaning that Ebola was supposed to be fatal. I would hate this, so i'm praying that it will be another 20 to 30 years at the most. and i've been busy doing Future Values on my old HP 12c calculator. The one thing that I actually remember from that MBA crap/carp.

Yes, I know, poor me, right?

But, of course, my “sister”, the lawyer, who has never practiced law or worked outside the home, decided that she wanted to be my Trustee. It took a while to shake her off and then there was a Not Good company that was an option for a while, not to mention my Trust lawyer who has a hard time with time management so it took forever and a day for the thing to finally go to the Trustee people and then, it turns out that it all has to go to court. Not for two weeks, as my communications-challenged attorney told me, but instead it takes a month or more.

Again, poor me having to wait, right? Cry me a river. I get that completely. But I have this bizarre desire to hang on to my teeth and there is a dearth of gum tissue left in my mouth to anchor them. It would so nice to have some oral surgery, painful as it is, in order to have some chompers to keep me company in my dottage. And the poor Wonderpups are seniors now, well, Ella Fitzgerald is, and they very very badly need some dental care themselves. It is extremely Spendy, as they say here. Back East we say Pricey. And it’s a gift from Godiverse that I have a chance to improve their health this way.

So that is what is going on. It is possible that very soon the money will actually be with the Trustee people and they will start managing and growing it and making my “life” better. Sadly, at this point, 4 months along, I believe this as much as I believe that the CIA miraculously found and made Osama Bin Laden dead, but stranger things have happened. Right?