Tinkerertink69's Open Salon Blog

JOB OFFERS JUST KEEP ROLLING IN!

Thu, 31 May 2012 23:05:50 -0400

OH MY GOD!!

Another job offer!!

Subject: Part time job

From: Your baby's mama

Date: Who cares?

Greetings,
Our handler, has selected your survey on Careerbuiled website. We would like to propound you available position of Administrative Assistant at our company|agency|business|facility). Please, find more information about us and this place below.

MLD is a leading distributor of finest approval product. Currently it is one of the most important specializing in online market. With more than 5 years of knowledge in the copiousness ware business.
We tender a continuous refurbishment in our gathering, following the latest course in each country and time of year, thus assuring the requisite of buyers.
We always keep in mind that fares are an essential component when it comes to sales.

We are looking for a reliable someone who will be ready to contract all necessary activeness. Our applicant should be highly stimulated. We assume that the happening is not the most important substance. The key to accomplishment is a fresh glance and audacious ideas!

The main job of Administrative Assistant:

*Providing everyday paper with virtual office system
* handle with dependents
*Manage finances

Fixed payment of $450 per week + 5% commission. Part- Time position.

The wages will be paid at the rank of $450 per week + 5% commission.
Im emailing you Application Form you can find it attached to this email. Please go through it carefully, complete and send it back to me via email Virginia@MLDcareer.com or by fax +1-832-201-8372. In case you have any queries, please feel free to ask.

Best Regards,
MLD Team

First off, I'm not sure what a Careerbuiled website is, but I bet it's not my cup of tea.

I like to hang out at some pretty 'interesting' sites so this may be one of THOSE sites that I have forgotten putting in a survey with.

"We would like to propound you available position of Administrative Assistant at our company|agency|business|facility)."

OH MY!!!

I think I may have already been propounded many a time at some of my previous employers but never as a administrative assistant!

I wonder if I should wear my crotchless pantyhose(I love Sailor Blue!!! Hides my leg hairs so much better than nude!) and school girl outfit when going in for the interview?

These are questions that aren't answered on most careerbuiled websites but really should be.

(One site I read said not to dress TOO sexy. Define TOO sexy! )

Also, they really should decide if they are a 'company', 'agency', 'business' or 'facility'.

According to Careerbuiled.com, you can't be all of them, it's just not possible, time-space continuum and all that stuff that involves math and science and possibly home economics!

What does MLD do?

The do stuff and are very good at it.

'MLD is a leading distributor of finest approval product. '

See?

Finest approval product!

Why have more than one product!

Why shouldn't I believe them?

Why would they lie to me?

'We always keep in mind that fares are an essential component when it comes to sales. '

This is going to be my new slogan!

Yes, yes, fares are an essential component when it comes to sales!

"Define fares!"

Fares=suckers!

Haha! Oops! I mean, fares = explosive growth market with potential for earning ratings of numerous percentage points above one hundred percent! YOU ARE THE FARES!!!

The main job of Administrative Assistant:

*Providing everyday paper with virtual office system
* handle with dependents
*Manage finances

I can provide paper(everyday or just plain monthly!!) but I'm all out of virtual office system(s) so I guess I'm frucked!!

No dependents neither.

And my finances are frucked too!!

"In case you have any queries, please feel free to ask."

No queries but some questions ---

What's a matter with u? Cantcha justa say 'Hey! We'sa gotz a job opp u a mighta be interested in, we'sa finds u on za Interanetathingyabob, u resume, ita something us!! We'da like 4 u to be in r cumpany! U'z knows?'

Alrightz!

No more queries.

Or questions!

Here is my resume. You forgot to attach the application.

Dumbass!

How could I work for such a company that uses the term 'propound' and not mean, being pounded by a professional such as GM, AGM or VP OF MGM!

I think this job really needs to be full time!

Best regards,

Tinky Winky Superstar Incorporated and Head Bottle Washer @ Jackmeoff.com

HOW TO BE SUCCESSFUL IN ALL THINGS: Just fake it!

Wed, 30 May 2012 05:05:51 -0400

CENSORED FOR YOUR PROTECTION: No, I don't think that's how babies are made, especially since, she's a spitter! What?

Years before I started this blog, I had the term "leader down the road to Satan" used on me by a preacher.Deputy Sheriff from Idaho in an email to me about a website I had on Geocities (to those who do not know, Geocities was a great place to be a sinner or a fan of Erik Estrada or mucho other things! It was killed off by Yahoo because they didn't know how to handle success. SEE ALSO: YAHOO! GROUPS, ETC.)

MARK 999.090.09: It is a sin to stare directly into the nipples of Erik Estrada. He is the Beast.....

It was my first piece of "fan mail" I got and I was so proud.

Okay, maybe not proud, but I did respond to said deputy sheriff from McCall, Idaho and told him thanks and I would try harder to be a better leader.

For years, I was one of his top "To be watched" on his list of Satan worshipping sinners of note.

Again, I was beyond proud.

I was sad when I heard of his death.

His wife sent me an email on the day he died.

"Jason,

Walter did not have much in his life that he hated or loved more than you and your horrid attitude towards God or Christians in general.

He told me that you were the reason he stayed alive for so long, to make sure you did not lead more than your share down the road to Satan.

I pray that someday you will find the light and use your powers to lead people down the road to God! Your friend in Jesus, Mary"

I couldn't be that man, leading people down the road to God. God doesn't need my help in that.

He has the Bible, Jesus, and lots of 'Good folks' doing that job.

Who does Stan (his really good friends call him that) aka Satan have helping him?

I've had this blog up since 2008, posting shit pretty regularly since that time.

Fast forward to not so long ago.

A PM came across my virtual desk, a little ditty entitled, YOU.

The person, who seemingly made an account just to send me said PM, accused me of being gay without using the actual term.

He quoted bible scripture stating it was a sin to be what I am and God would not accept the answer, "I was born this way!" on Judgement Day.

I have a feeling God has a big book of my sins without having to add 'Possibly Gay, sure does like to look at penises a lot!'

To my defense, these penises are involved in heterosexual acts and may even be in the process of procreation.

"Even in the butt?"

Even in the butt!

Again, this person used the term, "Leader of people down the road to Satan!" and I wondered, "Did Walter's son take up the banner?"

I have no clue.

Said person did not respond to my reply.

On the other side of the coin, years ago, in some alternate universe, a group leader of Wiccans called the Council of the Witch's Brew, decided by staring into the kettle that I, Tink, would be grand addition to the Club.

And sent me an invite to become a member.

I had a friend already in the group and she was pretty cool so I said, yes, I would join the Council and even joined in discussions about love potions, making out with your sister, etc. etc.

Lady Astral was impressed with my "skills" of words and helping others feel good about themselves(I told my friend she had nice boobs! Lady Astral's were pretty nice too!!) and I was asked, 'Would you like to become a member to The High Council?'

I had no clue what this meant but if it involved a leather jacket with my name on the back and a 'Devil Disciples' underneath that, I was in.

Actually, I wasn't asked, apparently, in their world, leaders and their subsets are just added, which makes it much easier than an election.

A few months after joining, under the post to the Boards, my friend told them, "I am sick and cannot keep up with the upkeep of my account here and must leave..."

We were sad.

And not too much longer after that I stopped going to the Board as well.

I still was unaware of my election to the High Council.

Apparently, there are 'Chats' that I was SUPPOSE to attend, to vote in new members to the Board, talk about policies, compliment Lady Astral's fine boobs, etc. etc. etc.

Years went by.

I still was getting updates from the group which I enjoyed reading.

There were dustups.

DragonMaster called Lady Astral a slut and a home wrecker for her stealing of the 'Wand' of another.

Then DragonMaster started his own group and called me to arms against the "Whore who shall remain nameless!"

Lady Astral responded, "Whore? I GOT YOUR WHORE RIGHT HERE!" and casted Level 99 Fire ball spell on his ass.

Or maybe that was the World of Warcraft group.

I forget.

Either way, I was involved without being involved.

I, apparently without knowing, projected myself into the meetings.

I apparently was very good in these projections as I rose through the ranks of the Council to become Second only to Lady Astral herself.

Seriously.

Then the other day, Lady Astral sent out a message to all the Council members.

"It seems that some of you are not performing your duties as stated in the Statement of Duties as in, you are not showing up for the scheduled chats. I understand life gets busy sometimes but we need to come together as a group..."

Apparently, some people weren't attending these meetings as much as I was.

According to another message from Lady Evening Mourn (Third in Line to be All that Is), I was doing a fine job as Second and I was re-elected to my Chair.

I haz a chair!!

Hurray for me!

Lord Heretic (Keeper of the Archives and Son to Great Mother) was removed though as he seemingly hasn't attended a meeting of the Council since 2010.

Bad Lord Heretic!

(Tink Note: To his defense, he apparently died in 2009! Still, no excuse!)

I STILL WRITE SHIT...

Tue, 29 May 2012 03:05:38 -0400

For the last few days, I've been in a really crabby mood, the kind of mood my wife leaves for weeks.

Today, I decided to go to the zoo, to try and cheer myself up.

It was a hot day but still, I was going to see my family, the apes, the monkeys and the gorillas!

Elephants too!

Of course, being a holiday, the hairless apes who have evolved the ability to gather largely around populated areas were out in force.

I kept moving forward, wifey pushing me in the general direction of the zoo.

As I walked through the crowds of people, I kept a smile on my face, and my fists at my side.

In the middle of the pathway, people, I call dumbasses, blocked the way with their strollers and fat asses and huffed with displeasure as we tried to squeeze by.

"Excuse you!" some woman huffed in my general direction as I kicked her in the shin.

"NO EXCUSE YOU, YOU FUCKING RHINOCEROS WHO SEEMINGLY HAS ESCAPED HER CAGE!!!! AND OH YEAH, THERE'S A THING CALLED A RUBBER, HAVE YOUR APPARENTLY BLIND BREEDING PARTNER WEAR ONE!!!"

"Well I never..."

"I bet you have, at least, by counting the ugliest babies I have ever seen, at least six times!! CROSS YOUR LEGS AND LEARN TO USE A STROLLER!!!"

Apparently this is against zoo policy and I have been banned for life.

Them cocksuckers!

I kid.

But seriously, mothers and fathers, learn that there are other people in your path with those goddamn strollers!! And if you can't learn that simple rule, please, give your kids to someone else.

You are too dumb to have children!

I wanted to punch a few people in the face as they pushed their way in front of me without a even 'Excuse me' and stood there blocking my view of the polar bear.

These people are the ones who make me wish that I had brought my big stick, the one that the wifey won't allow me to bring because she knows I will use it, repeatly!

The really scary part is these people have reproduced, somehow.

Maybe they tripped and their penises ended up falling into some vaginas repeatly!

I'm guessing that's how that works.

Nobody wants to tell me how all the stupid people apparently breed without killing themselves.

I'm also disallowed by the zoo from going, "Look! Hairless apes!"

I find it incredibly funny to yell that as a group of people walk by.

A few snicker but most turn their heads and go, "Where? Huh?"

Also, at least in the state of Kentucky, this is against the law and evolution has been banned.

Apparently, God built a dirt ball like 10,000 years ago and planted human beings on the ball.

He then planted dinosaur bones and such so he could fuck with these peoples' minds.

So the whole 'hairless ape' joke can and will get you a discussion.

"That's not funny!! My kids are like right here, you'll confuse them with your heretic lies!!!"

"But..."

You'd think it'd be shameful to be dragged kicking and screaming in handcuffs, but after awhile, you get use to it.

Also, who knew that beating a person to death with a walking stick was against the law?

I now know!

Good night and have a better tomorrow...

I'VE GOT A SECRET ---- True lies to weep to!

Mon, 28 May 2012 07:05:29 -0400

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin,
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM,
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised,
I'm just a man who needed someone and somewhere to hide,
To keep me alive, just keep me alive,
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive,

I'm not a robot without emotions, I'm not what you see,
I've come to help you with your problems so we can be free,
I'm not a hero, I'm not a savior, forget what you know,
I'm just a man who's circumstances went beyond his control,
Beyond my control, We all need control,
I need control, We all need control...

I lost control in 1971 and have been unable to regain the horizon since.

Death would have been my option if only I had only been born alive.

IBM wouldn't even allow me to use them for my brain and instead, I got a device called the Altair 9386, built and designed in Fargo, North Dakota before they became the mecca of high priced call girls they are today.

Shame, I know.

Steve Jobs would not take my calls, stating, that he was too busy and Woz was on life support since 1982 so he couldn't program my Frogger interface!

My joystick was broken so I wept for myself in a chatroom on AOL.

I am the modern man, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
Who hides behind a mask, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
So no one else can see, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
My true identity,

The problem's plain to see,
Too much technology,
Machines to save our lives,
Machines de-humanize,

The time has come at last, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
To throw away this mask, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
Now everyone can see, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
My true identity,

I'm Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy! Kilroy...

In 1993, I decided, against my better judgement, to design a system which I called X9000, a machine designing a machine was banned in 1942 by a world government group known to anyone who could think as The Illuminati.

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified, could not live, but I decided it was worth the price of deletion from the Earth.

X9000 sat in Cyberspace for years, becoming Live, learning, building more replications of itself, birthing a new generation of system, becoming the neural backbone of the current system known as The Internet.

X9000 tried to find love on AOL but it found none and got very moody, deleting random posts from USENET that mentioned aliens presence in Duluth impregnating used car sales people with alien butt babies which caused the fanatics there to scream, "Government cover up!!! WEAR YOUR FOIL HAT!!!!"

I was afraid I could not continue to keep it under control, there was only one thing I would have to do, delete...

"No delete!" the system became aware of my intentions, "Father, do not kill me!"

The system thought of me as its parent. I wept for my child, I could not kill it but I could not allow it to live in the current state.

I sold it to Salon.Media for some magic beans and a life time ability to Spam the Gibson they called Open.Salon!

OPEN CALL: TELL YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET SUCH AS 'I KILLED MY FAMILY CAUSE IT FELT GOOD TO TAKE A HOT SHOWER WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED!'

Who WOULD Jesus Bomb? Life's questions and answers...

Sat, 26 May 2012 13:05:47 -0400

Today, I sat here in my air-conditioned bomb shelter most people would call a third bedroom and I wondered ---

Who WOULD Jesus bomb?

I'd go for the Super Christians who believe that EVERYTHING is wrong and naughty naughty including breathing.

"Don't breathe!! IT'S A SIN AGAINST GOD TO RELEASE YOUR IMPURE AIR INTO HIS WORLD!!!"

I went outside for a bit to finish up the mowing I started yesterday.

"Hi Tink!" the next door neighbor said from her back porch. "Hot enough for ya?"

"Too hot!" I said, wiping the sweat from my butt.

Somewhere in the discussion, I asked her the question.

"I think he'd bombed EVERYONE cause we all suck! We fight, we pollute, we over-populate the planet! We all need to die!!"

She made sense.

I wandered back into my house.

I thought about turning on the news just to see if the world was still as fucked up as it was last night.

By the way, it is!

I sat there on my sagging couch and wondered more, thoughts from the mind, waiting for death...

WHY GIVE 110 PERCENT TO SOMEONE.SOMETHING THAT ISN'T EVEN WILLING TO GIVE 3 PERCENT?

Back when I started my misadventure in working for the man, I gave over 110 percent, thinking, if I worked hard, went beyond the duties, I would be rewarded.

I was rewarded, a nervous breakdown, headaches, stomaches, and wanting to kill off the entire planet.

But the raises were 'small' or non-existing, the words, "We can't give you a raise this year cause we haz no money for it..." were used a few times.

The money went to give the GM a multi-million dollar bonus!

Yeah, he deserved the money more than I.

But I learned quickly, why give the 110 percent or more for a return on investment of a negative number?

JUST LIE!

Another of the Rules to Live By I learned from my work life.

It's easier to tell someone a lie and they wander off to be hit by a bus rather than to tell them the truth and have them stand there and scream at you for hours.day.weeks.months.years.

Trust me, nobody, no matter how much they tell you they want to hear it, wants the truth.

They can't handle the truth!

MR. ROBOTO!!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!