World's Smartest Man's Open Salon Blog

US Losing Millions on Failed Drone Attacks

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 11:08:50 -0400

Washington, DC — A report conducted by the Defense Accountability Foundation has found that drone attacks conducted in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan since 2003 have wasted hundreds of millions of US tax dollars by dropping bombs on targets that have never posed a threat to the United States.

“Every time we drop a bomb that lands on a school or hospital we literally waste millions of dollars that could have gone towards destroying Taliban strongholds.” Said General Dimitri Collins who has been head of northwestern Afghanistan commands since 2009.

While some are skeptical of these findings the military itself admitted in an August 2011 press release that a bomb dropped over northwest Pakistan last May killed an initially impressive 302 people until an investigation revealed that only five of the 302 killed were considered hostile. The other 297 were civilians attending an annual fair celebrating the coming of Summer. The total cost for this mission? 3.4 million dollars. That means that the US tax payer paid $680,000 for every insurgent killed in the attack.

“Every hard working American should be outraged by these numbers.” Said Sam Mertins who runs a blog with the intent of holding the US government accountable for it’s spending. “It makes me sick to think that my children’s children will be paying off debt from buying bombs that were mostly wasted killing women and children when that money could have been used to bomb terrorists.”

High School Coach Loses Battle with Tramatic Brain Injury.

Tue, 1 Mar 2011 12:03:28 -0500

Local high school coach and owner of Wheaton’s Mad Mad Meat Emporium, Arthur Wheaton, passed away on Sunday after a short but hard fought battle with traumatic brain injury which he had been fighting ever since he was diagnosed with it on Sunday.

Traumatic Brain Injury, or TBI for short, has perplexed doctors and scholars for a century. The mysterious affliction can affect seemingly anyone at anytime regardless of genetics, lifestyle or sexual orientation.

“It is possible that Wheaton developed TBI as a result of the severe car accident he was involved in prior to being diagnosed,” whispered Dr. Mark Willow, Wheaton’s attending physician, “Of course, it’s also possible he had TBI prior to the crash. There is no way of knowing for sure, we simply don’t have the technology.”

Officer Randy Braden was first on the scene of the accident.

“If you look at the tire marks you can tell that Mr. Wheaton was driving fairly erratically prior to crashing into the side of the CVS store. I am no expert but I am going to speculate that if he was suffering from symptoms of TBI which include crushed cheekbone, massive blood loss and bruised brain, those symptoms could have prevented him from driving properly and may have contributed to him smashing into the side of the store at eighty miles an hour.”

Alleged Rapist Falls Short Against Tom Brady and the Pats.

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 11:11:45 -0500

Alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger, who is also the quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3), fell short in his efforts to defeat the New England Patriots (7-2), losing at home in a 39-26 blowout Sunday night.

Roethlisberger, who masterfully escaped two separate indictments for felonious sexual assault, couldn’t seem to conjure up that same magic Sunday night against the Patriots offensive onslaught.

Brady had an impressive night completing 30/43 passes for a total of 350 yards and 3 touchdowns. Brady honed in on his targets all night leaving the Steelers feeling helpless and abused as if they had just spent a long night in a dimly lit bar bathroom with Ben Roethlisberger.

“It was tough out there tonight,” Roethlisberger said in an interview after the game. “Usually, the more I push the harder they fight. I thrive in those types of situations. I will just keep looking for the right hole and pound myself in there forcefully if I have to. I just need to learn how to have that same attitude when I am on the field and I think that if I do, we will have a great year”.

Young Starlet Set to Star in Upcoming Project

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 11:12:07 -0500

Hollyood, CA– Insider sources have confirmed that an up and coming starlet internationally recognized as one of the bright shinning stars on the horizon is set to star in a major motion picture which will go into production some time within the next year or so.

The project, which is reportedly going to cost the studio up to millions of dollars to produce, is widely expected to appeal to a large number of customers in the U.S. as well as internationally and will most likely make millions more back in the box office.Ugh.

Many allegedly involved with the feature are keeping their cards close to their vest leaving the potentially massive audience in collective anticipation.

“I can’t comment on any project in the early stages of development,” said studio exec Harvey Weinstein from his office in Culver City. “Especially if you continue to refuse to give me even the subtlest hint as to what project you are referring to.”

However frustrating, Weinstein’s reluctance to speak on tinsel town’s darling starlet and her next big move is not exactly atypical in a business full of secrets and surprises. One reason for all of the secrecy could be due to rumors surfacing around town that the future Oscar contender and her film may be having some trouble getting off the runway. But who cares.

“If there is any truth to these rumors, then we could be dealing with one of the worst cases of career suicide we have seen in years,” said Conner Hughes who wastes his time running an extremely popular entertainment blog. Hughes went on to say that if someone would be a little more specific as to what star or project we were referring to he might be able to “speak on the subject with less blind speculation”.

So the question remains: What exactly is going wrong on the set of this film and why is everyone keeping so mum in a town where gossip normally leaks from every crack and seam?

Some people have even claimed that this project may in fact not exist and, in an even more bizarre twist, have accused this reporter of writing a baseless and ambiguous piece in an effort to mask the fact that instead of doing his job he went out to get drunk with his old college roommate who was going through his second divorce and needed a drinking buddy.

At the time of publication, the roommate in question has not responded to messages left on his cell or home, making no attempt at addressing these allegations.

However, the author of this piece while neither denying or confirming the fabrication of this story did seem to question whether or not he was “wasting his life and Ivy league education” by writing this “incalculably unimportant dribble” before going on to suggest that ” working on the assembly line at a giant cock factory as a giant cock lubricator would be less degrading than his current occupation” and apologizing to his family and the general public for pushing this “mental diarrhea” down their throats while promising to “take a good long look in the mirror” before heading into work the following morning.

Obama Launches Largest Rescue Mission in U.S. History

Wed, 2 Dec 2009 14:12:03 -0500

West Point, NY– Speaking from West Point on Tuesday Obama announced his intention to launch a massive and unprecedented rescue mission in which he will dispatch up to 30,000 U.S. troops deep into the heart of Afghanistan in hopes of bringing back the 70,000 or so soldiers currently trapped in hostile territory.

“The time for action is now,” Obama said while speaking in front of a group of cadets at West Point. ” We can no longer sit and wonder when our men and women stationed behind enemy lines will be returning home to their families. Which is why I am setting in motion a plan to send a clandestine team of 30,000 rescue troops into Afghanistan to free these brave men and women, finally bringing an end to the injustices they have endured during the last eight years”.

This announcement could not have come sooner for families of the U.S. troops abroad, some of whom have loved ones that have been in Afghanistan for over fourteen months. Troops who have been doing anything they could to survive through a quagmire imposed upon them by the people of Afghanistan when they allowed nineteen Saudi Arabian, Egyptian, and United Emirate hijackers to attack the U.S. on September 11, 2001.

Obama went on to express regret that diplomacy had failed to bring these troops home and assured the U.S. public that his administration considered “every possible action” before deciding that the only sure way to bring home as many men and women possible was to send in additional troops to rescue the troops as well as help with the packing and carrying of wounded soldiers supplies and personal belongings.

Senior administration officials said Tuesday that this was the “largest effort” to bring American troops home from Afghanistan since 2001 and sends a clear message to any enemy of U.S. that we will “no longer idly sit by as they continue in their efforts to defend themselves”.

Obama said that he does not intend to keep the troops in Afghanistan a moment longer than it would take to accomplish the objectives of the mission which include securing all troops and defeating anyone determined to be an enemy, before swiftly instituting country wide infrastructure and a working Afghan government to ensure that the few remaining enemies of the U.S. don’t try to “pull another stunt like this ever again”.

President Obama finished his speech with a bold guarantee to bring home the troops in Afghanistan and end a seemingly endless war.

“We cannot and shall not fail in this historic mission to bring these troops home safe. It will not be easy, it never is. But I can guarantee you that this mission will be a success, I will bring these soldiers home by 2011 or, at the very latest, by the time that the war is over”.