Kevin Army's Open Salon Blog

On Having The Gay Beaten Out Of Me And The Party Of Bullies

Wed, 23 May 2012 11:05:55 -0400

I grew up in a white conservative suburb outside of San Francisco. Concord was still a pretty rural place when my family moved there in 1962. Though our neighborhood seemed pretty good at the time, as an adult I've come to understand it was a fairly rough white trash neighborhood.

There were good things about the area. There were orchards and open fields, a creek to wander around in. A good school system, and our neighborhood was close to the bus line so dad could commute to his job in SF.

But it was also culturally pretty barren, and about as un-diverse as the world gets. In that lack of diversity, anything different stood out, and rather then greeted with open arms, it was usually welcomed with clenched fists.

There I was, the classic gay boy: a quite bookworm who was bad at sports, tall, and skinny, with no defensive skills whatsoever. I'd walk around Cambridge Elementary with my violin, and it was like I had a neon sign over my head inviting the abuse of whatever bully should pass by.

I know I was beaten up often, but I can't always visualize it. Sometimes I can see a few incidents, and it's always like I'm above the scene, looking down at myself, which is a pretty standard victim's way of seeing things. After so many times, one learns to leave one's body to minimize the pain and fear.

To me, the bullying wasn't just the physical violence. The endless verbal abuse I lived through left a giant scar. Faggot, fag, pussy, wimp, wussy, sissy: these were all interchangeable words directed at me to feel less than, to feel wrong about myself.

As time went by through all those years, as each person threatened me, I learned that hiding who I am was the best way to protect myself. I wanted so desperately to not be gay, that it became fairly easy to achieve in my adult years. So the lovely flamer I was went away piece by piece, gesture by gesture. By the time I was 27, I had a girlfriend, and was so straight acting, no-one knew who I really was, including me.

It wouldn't be until I was 40 that I got the courage to face who I am. I'm 54 now, and I still act pretty straight. The obvious gay boy in me died a sad and painful death. I try and do things to heal him, to remember who I once was. But basically, he was beaten and bullied out of me, and I will always have to wonder who I would be if the world had been different.

*****

I've been dating a younger man recently. The stories he's told me of his childhood, and some of his friend's childhoods sound sadly like the stories of so many men my age.

I could write endlessly on what kind of things were done to me. I'm not really up to telling the details, and I don't think they're necessary. Those details would reveal nothing new. Sadly, it is a story already told enough times by enough people.

I do want to say I am a proud survivor. That's the better story. In spite of how things went, I made the best of my situation, and had a pretty good life in my closeted years. I can't really second guess how things would have gone otherwise.

I'm really happy with the place I've arrived to. I'm comfortable with who I am, I'm very out and I do not hide myself. When I'm walking in my neighborhood, I hold the hand of my boyfriend. I'm grateful that I'm gay, and for the suprising and great acceptance and support I have found.

All that said, it did take a lot of work to get to this place, and I still hold the hurt somewhere deep inside. So many of us carry the damage and scars of this stuff. It's not right. It needs to stop.

Though I'm not sold on President Obama's motivation for his recent support, I also am pretty sure he isn't one of the bullies. Whether Mitt Romney was a bully or not, he belongs to the political party of bullies, the party that promotes discrimination through the threat of a legislative fist, and sends the message to the LGBT community that we are less than straight people.

That is the root of all the bullying, it's how it's made acceptable. As long as we are second class citizens, we don't matter as much. Our pain is second class in their eyes. But in the tear filled eyes of a bullied child, it's painfully real. It breaks my heart to know these things still haven't stopped.

Maybe things are getting better. But as long as this is an issue, as long as one gay kid like I was is made to feel wrong for who he or she beautifully is, things are not better enough. Not yet. And not soon enough.

*****

_{all content by me.}

Arrests and Teargas At Occupy Oakland May Day Strike

Wed, 2 May 2012 08:05:12 -0400

I knew going into the Occupy Oakland May Day Strike that it could be a rough day. I kept trying to talk myself out of going, and as it was, I couldn't get myself to show up until 11:30 AM. I had a feeling of dread; I was pretty sure the Oakland Police would be ready to come down hard on the protestors. Sadly, I was right.

Several actions had started earlier in the morning around 9AM. I found a march wandering near Lake Merritt by driving to where I saw a helicopter hovering, and finding riot police milling about in the area. When I found the march, it was tense. The usual friendly mood of Occupy actions wasn't to be found. Some people didn't want to speak, and most seemed on edge. I'm not blaming them, riot police were walking ahead and alongside at times, an oppressive feeling was in the air.

As the march would get to various banks, the riot police would race ahead blocking the banks off from the protestors. The Occupiers would yell at them, then move on. Some people I spoke to felt the march was unfocused, though I'm not sure if that's so much the case as it's focus kept being deterred by the police.

At one point riot police came charging down the sidewalk where I was, yelling at me to move out of the way, just as they were pushing into me on both sides. I was behind the crowd, and these riot police simply ran ahead and did nothing in particular, it was just a typical display of force they do at these events.

Sometime after noon, people were converging at Oscar Grant/Frank Ogawa Plaza at the city center. The plaza is where the Occupy Oakland encampment had been, and is still the central meeting place for most actions. Large amounts of riot police were there, and the tension was growing rapidly. I stood far behind, not wanting to get in the middle of anything. I couldn't really see how many protestors were present, possibly between 500-1,000.

I could see skirmishes happening, and eventually I saw people who had been arrested led down the street to where I was. Then, several police chased down a man, threw him on the ground not too far from where I stood. They started to severely beat and restrain him. A crowd of photographers and bystanders gathered around to witness and photograph. I tried to get closer, but just as I did a tear gas canister fell right near where I was.

So there it was, my second time getting teargassed. The picture above was taken right before, as you can see we're all behind the general crowd. I can't help but think it was directed at the media to keep them from getting pictures of the beating. I know that sounds paranoid, and this is how the tactics of the OPD work. They have successfully radicalized many of us who have been at Occupy events, and made us suspicious to the point of sounding a little crazy. But being there, being present and witnessing their aggression and violence, has greatly changed my world view. And not for the better.

Having had enough of that for awhile, I decided to go home and shower. On the way home I stopped by a one day nurses' strike at Summit hospital up the street. The peacefulness of the event was good to be around after what I'd just been through, and I can always get behind any action to support nurses. These nurses were protesting sweeping reductions in patient care and nurses' standards and workplace conditions.

Last I heard, Sutter had decided to lock the picketing nurses out for 5 days as punishment for the strike. I hope they back down from that, and I hope they listen to the nurses. Having been in another hospital a year ago, I can't express how much the nursing staff did to help me be here today. We all know they work hard and don't get the pay or conditions they deserve. I was glad I stopped by.

After showering, I drove down to the Port Of Oakland. The Longshoreman's Union had moved a meeting originally scheduled for May 17 to May 1, which resulted in closing the port. It was eerily quiet.

I went back to the Plaza, and found police standing off with protestors. The police declared it an unlawful assembly. The Alameda Sheriffs department drove out a scary looking tank that was most probably for show. Eventually the majority of the crowd dispersed, and so did many of the riot police.

I learned that at least one more round of tear gas had been fired while I was gone.

I realized the police were moving to where another event was happening. An immigrant's rights/Dignity and Resistance march had left the Fruitvale Bart station. It included some Occupy groups, and went to a park where many Occupiers met up with them. I found at least 16 riot police vans around the park.

The march had been very peaceful and well organized. I learned this was the fifth year this march has taken place on May Day. There were at least two to three thousand on the march. Once they met up with the Occupiers, I think that number grew closer to four thousand.

At the park, at 5 PM, I sat down on the grass, and thought about the day so far. I realized I'd had enough. Though I love Occupy, I wasn't feeling the connection I usually do at Occupy events. I have no idea if that was my mood, the crowds mood, or most probably the effects of breathing in a bunch of tear gas. I felt spacey and weak. Tear gas is a chemical agent, and it is harmful. Generally not deadly, but not healthy either.

The world isn't right. That's why I keep going to these events. Something has to happen to change things. I wish I had something smart and uplifting to say to wrap this up, but it's just not in me right now. After what I saw and experienced, the world is even less right then before. I know hope will come back to me. But for now, I just want to curl up on the couch under a blanket and hide.

And wake up to a better world. A safer world. A more equitable world. A world we all deserve and need, a world of safe spaces and dignity, of justice and peace, a world where none of us need to go through this, a world where things are good and right.

Not in Oakland, not on May Day. Not like this.

******

_{all content by me. no copyright intended. in spite of my kind of low mood, i'm glad to see people out getting involved, caring enough to show up and stand up for what they believe in. i thank them all.}

Occupy SF Takes Over Abandoned Building On April Fools Day

Mon, 2 Apr 2012 11:04:36 -0400

A few days ago I saw a tweet claiming that an affinity group of Occupy SF called SF Commune would be “liberating a building” on April 1st. I clicked on the link and learned that this appeared to be a real plan, and not a hoax April Fools joke.

I drove across the bay to SF, still half expecting it not to happen. But when I arrived at Union Square, I found some Occupiers hanging out, getting ready to march to the undisclosed location.

Short notice had been given on the planned Occupation in order to give it a chance to succeed. The downside of that is that a larger crowd could have shown up if there had been more time to publicize it. Still, as the march got underway around 4:30, I was impressed to see around 250 people marching peacefully.

Police on motorcycles drove alongside and ahead, at one point driving on the sidewalk where I was walking, getting a little too close for comfort. Other then that, generally the police presence was fairly benign.

When we arrived at the location, which is 888 Turk St, there were a couple of Black Bloc protestors on top of the building holding a banner that said “Organize Or Starve”. Some of the Occupiers had gotten into the building ahead of time and opened it up. People went to the door and walked right in.

Welcome pamphlets were being handed out. The pamphlet says: “The SF Commune has been initiated to provide a perpetual, autonomous headquarters for the Occupy SF movement. There is space for food preparation and distribution, bedrooms for housing, event rooms for General Assemblies and art projects, classrooms, and space for medical services.” It later says “We understand the Archdiocese of San Francisco and it's subsidiary, Real Property Support Corporation have kept this space at 888 Turk St vacant for 5 years, while those of us seeking shelter are forced to sleep outside. We will not tolerate the systems that force 7,000 San Franciscan's to remain homeless while over 30,000 housing units sit vacant.”

Later, at a impromptu press conference with SF Public Information Officer Sgt Michael Andraychak I learned that the police probably can't take any action until they get a signed complaint from the owners of the building.

Earlier I had found a notice on the adjacent building that is on the same property declaring 888 Turk St unsafe, dated March 28, second notice. I asked Sgt Andraychak if that could be a reason to go in. He said “It might be but we would have to weigh all the factors in respect to the safety of all the people inside, the safety of the officers, we'd have to involve firefighters, building inspectors, it's a much more complicated process then that.”

Still, if I had to guess, and this is my small little paranoid side, the city learned of this plan and got the notices posted so they have another option if the Archdiocese declines to sign anything. But that is just conjecture, and before all this Occupy stuff started, I would never have thought that way.

I will be interested to see how this plays out. The Archdiocese is in an interesting position. I don't really see how they can deny the Occupiers use of the building if they search within their faith. If Jesus was the chief administrator, and someone came to him and said “we'd like to put that vacant building you own to good use to care for and feed the homeless” is there any doubt what he'd say? But in today's hyper-legal world, full of liability issues, will they have the courage to refrain from signing the complaint?

I'm still a little uneasy about the Occupying a building idea, and I was surprised to find several other people marching who voiced the same thing. But we all agreed that the intention of the Occupation is good and idealistic, and we wanted to support that. And as a protest, it makes a really valid point.

As I walked away through the edges of the Tenderloin, which is one of SF's poorest areas, I passed many homeless people, some sleeping in doorways, some panhandling on the sidewalk, some looking lost. I've always wondered why there is so much empty space going unused while these conditions exist.

I received a text message Monday morning at 8AM that a raid is expected. I wish the Occupiers could be given a chance. I would be interested to see what they could do with this unused space. As I spoke with them I thanked them for doing this and told them I would be praying for them. Is this the perfect solution to the issues they are addressing? I don't know. But it's well intended effort, and a peaceful one that harms absolutely no-one. They have my respect and support, and I am honored to write about them.

*****

Some photos from inside the building as people arrived and started to set things up:

*****

The Occupy Oakland bus parked outside:

*****

_{all content by me. no copyright intended. as always, many thanks to everyone who spoke with me.}

Occupy Education At The State Capitol In Sacramento

Tue, 6 Mar 2012 13:03:16 -0500

Monday, March 5 saw two different, yet complimentary protests regarding education that came to California's State Capitol, Sacramento.

At 10AM, an annual event called the March In March took place. Thousands of students, along with teachers, parents, and concerned citizens, marched from Southside Park to the State Capitol building. This was a very peaceful, well organized march, that ended with a permitted demonstration outside the Capitol. Previously this had been a community college event, this year the state colleges and universities joined in.

It was a very well behaved and diverse crowd, with internal security that kept marchers from taking up the whole street, and kept things moving along well. It mostly dispersed by 1 PM, though a hundred or so stayed outside for the afternoon.

At 1 PM, a group called Occupy Education had planned to Occupy inside the Capitol Building. A group of around 70 of them had marched 99 miles starting on March 1 from Oakland, arriving in the college town of Davis, which is about 10 miles below Sacramento, on March 4. I met a couple of them in line at the cafeteria in the Capitol building. Surprisingly, they didn't appear tired at all, they were in great spirits and ready to continue with their protest.

I walked around the Capitol building and at 12:45 I found people starting to assemble in the rotunda. I was surprised they had been let into the building, I had expected the state to shut the building down. A decent sized crowd started to show up, and eventually California Highway Patrol Officers stood and blocked off entrance to the rotunda. Protestors remained inside the rotunda, and also in the halls that were blocked off. There were over 300 present.

I asked several officers why they were doing that. I was told it was due to the fire hazard, that the protestors had no permit, and that it was disruptive. Several officers told me that although the Occupiers didn't have a permit, they wanted to allow their freedom of speech and right to peacefully assemble. It also became apparent that once the building closed at 6 PM, everyone would need to leave.

By blocking the hallways, the officers also blocked access for those inside the rotunda to the restrooms. Those of us inside would be allowed to leave and go out, but we were told we could not get back in.

I understand the tactic, which is to get people to disperse, but it wasn't pleasant. There were a fair number of senior citizens in the crowd, and I wish there had been an exception for them. I believe with age should come a certain level of respect and courtesy. Still, I was surprised at the overall demeanor of the CHP officers. Most were willing to speak to me, they were respectful, and I felt they were committed to a peaceful resolution, even if that resolution would end in arresting people.

The protestors were very peaceful, and very dedicated to their message. They held a general assembly, which produced 5 demands. These are:

Pass the “Millionaire Tax”.
Cancel All Student Debt.
Democratize the CSC and UC Board Of Regents and the CSU Board Of Directors.
Fully fund all education.
Amend Prop 13, move to a split rule tax.

I'm sorry to write that in the building that is home to all the elected state employees, only two made an appearance. Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom came in and sat down with a group of the protestors. Unfortunately, and I say this with great respect for the man who has done so much for gay rights, it just looked like a great photo op more then anything. Still, he was willing to be photographed with an Occupy group, and that is surprising, since most politicians won't go anywhere near one.

State Senator Leland Yee came down and observed a couple of times. I asked him what he thought of the protest and he said he supported it. He told me a simple fact that framed the need for the protest well: tuition to the California State Universities is more then to Harvard.

Given the sad state of education cutbacks in California, and the excessive cost of higher education, I could understand why these people were willing to risk arrest doing a fairly radical protest.

After the building had closed, at 6:30 an officer got on a megaphone and made the inevitable illegal assembly announcement, informing us that we would be subject to arrest if we stayed.

It was left up to individuals what they would do. Many left, about 50 to 60 stayed. I left, and found the place everyone thought the arrestees would be taken out. A large crowd gathered, and an even larger crowd of Sacramento Police appeared.

Unlike the CHP, these officers were very aggressive. I had found a handful of them arresting a man about a half a block away. They commanded me to not come within a certain distance. I stopped where I was told to stop, I tried to get a picture of the man being arrested, and the officers were very hostile to me, even though I kept saying I was press. When I asked one for his name, he refused to tell me. I tried to photograph his name tag, he turned so I couldn't, telling me not to take his picture, and then he and another officer came within about 6 inches of me after my flash went off.

I could see his name then and he was Sacramento Police Officer Valdez. I was afraid I would get arrested, or worse, and I kept assuring them I meant no harm. They told me I had to leave the area, and I went back to where the crowd was.

I learned there was another exit, and that is where the arrest vans were leaving the parking lot under the building. There was a small crowd there, and the vans left without incident. Once the crowd at the other exit learned of this they dispersed.

The people who stayed inside were arrested. I admire them for their dedication. All the protestors I met and spoke with were good people, deeply committed to changing things, to making the world a better place. I thank them for speaking to me, and my heart goes out to them. 60 arrests were made throughout the day, the majority being the protestors who remained inside the Capitol building.

One could blame them for pushing the boundaries of their protest past closing time. Blame could be placed on the officers who arrested them. But the blame really lies on so many elements outside that, on all the things that put our economy in the fragile state it is in, all the politicians, many in that Capitol building, who have failed to let education remain affordable, and on the regents and directors of the California state college system.

Education is important for our countries growth. I thank all these people for standing up for their rights and the rights of the generations to come, for caring enough to be there, and to peacefully fight the good fight.

_{all content by me. no copyright intended. my thanks to everyone who took the time to speak with me.}

An Occupy Valentine's Day In SF And Oakland

Thu, 16 Feb 2012 13:02:30 -0500

There were a couple of attractive sounding Occupy actions in my area for Valentine's day. One of the things that sounded enticing was they were both very peaceful sounding. They made for a good day off, and a productive way to spend Valentine's day as a single person.

The first was in San Francisco. A new affinity group of Occupy SF called the Environmental Justice Working Group had a small “break up with B of A” protest. It was held in front of the Bank Of America at 1 Powell Street. The protest was inspired by a similar action taking place in New York.

I arrived at 11:30 AM and the protestors were setting up a broken cardboard heart. They had blue hearts to pass out that explained the protest. The heading on the Valentine read “Stop Investing In Poisoning the Environment”, then it detailed the connections B of A has to things like fossil fuels, coal, fracking.

Two of the protestors put on a street theater performance where a woman broke up with a man who represented the bank.

At it's peak, the protestors numbered 11, and yes, I'm including one woman's dog. All were good natured, extremely peaceful and friendly. I started to realize there were more police lingering in the area then demonstrators, so I walked around to count. There were 18 officers scattered around, and there were 10 police vehicles parked nearby, including an arrest van and a truck with barricades.

I think after about 15 minutes the officers would have realized these people would be no trouble at all, and some of the police could have left. But at least the police were affable about everything. I spoke with Sargent Garrity, and he was surprisingly respectful and conversational. Whenever I run into that from a policeman, which is always outside of Oakland, I feel like I'm hallucinating. It makes me realize all the more that Oakland has a uniquely troubled police force, and that it doesn't represent all police. Which is good to realize.

I love small actions like this. I'm a strong believer that every action has an effect and value. In some ways it's almost harder to go out in small numbers, if for no other reason then you become more visible, each person's presence has a little more weight. Large turnouts are great too, but I think a variety of actions of different shapes and degrees is good. Speaking with these protestors got me thinking about a lot of things, and I'm grateful for that.

I went home and took a long nap, and slept longer then I intended to. Eventually I got myself together and went to the Occupy Oakland Valentine's Day March.

The Occupy Oakland website's announcement for the event said: “Join us on Valentine’s Day to express our love for each other, and our beautiful city, on a march through the downtown Oakland area. Participants should wear red and/or pink in celebration of Valentine’s Day, and are encouraged to bring flowers, bubbles, Valentine’s candy to share, glitter, confetti, and flower petals.” It was stressed that this was to be a peaceful and family friendly event.

I arrived late and had to drive around to find the march. I found some police cars that were following it, I parked and ran to catch up. There were about 300 happy Occupiers basically doing what the website's description said. At one point I got glitter all over me. As I walked along I was offered candy and home-baked cookies. There were pets and children scattered within the crowd.

As we marched, police followed on the outskirts. There's always a tension seeing the police blocking off streets, but they didn't intervene, much to people's relief.

Eventually the crowd returned to the starting point, which was at a small park at 19th and Telegraph. Some people dispersed, some stayed and hung out, while some had a little dance party.

There were no moments of violence. I was around the corner from where a man lit a flag on fire on the statues of civil rights leaders in the park. I saw an Occupier I know jump up, grab the burning flag, stomp it out and scold the man for doing that. I did not see a bunch of approval for the flag burning.

Earlier in the day in San Francisco I had spoken with one of the protestors who voiced his disapproval regarding the flag burning on Jan 28^th. It was hard to get him to understand that was one person out of over 1,000. This was just one person, and it made me sad to see a bunch of cameras capturing the remaining ashes of the flag on the ground. That was not what the evening was about, any more then one person at a baseball game who decides to do something offensive or violent represents all of baseball, or the home team.

There was a gentle, kind and peaceful hand in both of the day's events, something a lot of people just don't see about this movement. Most Occupiers I've met, and I think most of the ones I haven't met, are peaceful people. Somehow the Oakland police have been able to violently attack the Occupy community and make it look like it's the Occupiers who are the violent ones.

I watched a woman on the march walk up to one of the many cars we passed that honked it's horn in approval. She gave the driver a flower, and that moment was Occupy Oakland to me. Are the Occupiers strong willed and determined? Absolutely. Are they upset about the Oakland Police? I know I am. Do they push the issue sometimes? I think it has to be pushed, or the police will stop the movement. But I've seen more, many more acts like the handing out of the flower then the flag burning. Many more.

The history of Saint Valentine is nebulous and confusing, but by many accounts he was a martyr for standing by what he believed. He may have been based on up to 14 people. Somehow, that got converted into a celebration of love. In light of all the persecution and violence done to Occupy by the city government of Oakland, this peaceful protest of love seemed especially poignant and touching.

I had a great and uplifting day attending these events. I hope to spend more days in the same way. Many more days.

_{all content by me. i don't believe in copyright. i do believe in the power of beautiful peaceful protest, especially if cookies are involved.}