Z BITCH's Open Salon Blog

ANAL SEX!!!! --SEE! Everyone does it!!

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 16:06:50 -0400

It was another depressing Monday morning!! OH GOD! Again! I was F-ing hungover. I would kill a cow to stay in bed and call in sick.

I looked through window, weather was disgusting. It was dark, muddy and humid.

It felt like it was about to rain.

It was one of those days. Weather looked so constipated. You would think it would drop explosive diarrhea on us. On the contrary No! It wouldn’t rain whole day. I would carry my umbrella for nothing!!

As usual I picked up double shot cappuccino on my way to work and walking slowly than normal as if I wish they would fire me. ‘FUCK THAT! Monday was Moan-day!!—DEJA VU!’

I was two blocks away from my office. Another annoying red light made me stop. UUuuggh!!! “Those red lights are so demanding and bossy”

I realized a fat chick was listening music. She blocked her ears with huge her headphones. She was shaking her body like Taco Bell! As usual she was wearing tight clothes revealing her extremely curvy body. (I always wonder why only fat ones wear these stuff—Hhhmm!!)

I was minding my own business. Suddenly I heard a black man was screaming his lungs out on the phone.

“WOMAN! WOMAN! We are safe! Do you understand that?!!”

Weird! I didn’t want to listen to his phone call but he was loud as elephant. I quickly looked around. Two Hasidic Jew and another skinny black lady were literally ear dropping.

What the hell! It was Monday! I got closer to shouting black dude!

“Woman! Stop talking! I told we were safe! We are both HIV negative. We should NOT use condom anymore!!!”

Silence! Two Jew were as red as tomatoes! Me and skinny black girl were having FUN. Don’t ask about at chick!! She was still shaking her enormous booty.

“WOMAN! WOMAN! Stop it! I should do you without anything! Why are you afraid of? We are safe!!”

“Listen! If you are not letting me use your front door without cover, at LEAST! Let me use your back door! OH MAN!!!”—Oooppsiie!!

OH MY KINKY GOD!!!

Meantime! Green light allowed us to walk! Me, two Jew and skinny black girl were stunned and could not move. Fat chick was in her world.

Shouting Black man suddenly started walking. Me, two Jews and skinny black girl rushed to follow him. Clearly! Nobody didn’t want to miss any detail!

Mr. ASS-BEATER!

Anyway it got so crowded. I lost the track with that man. I was still shaken.

SEE! Everyone was doing bunny style!!! Not only US!

How come those conservative Republicans were complaining about gay man!! Everyone does tushie-sex! It is NORMAL!!

P.S. If any Republican is reading this, I would be screwed. Although who reads my blog unless they are gay…. I’m just saying….

Marriage should be ONLY between man, woman and housekeeper

Wed, 18 May 2011 09:05:09 -0400

YEAH! You thought you heard wrong right!!! Arnold Schwarzenegger fucked a housekeeper and forgot to put a condom on. Minor mistake!!! Here you go!! Hello FATHER!!!! Don't forget to mention! It has been 10 years!

I mean!!! Ex-governor could not find a hooker?!! Get a lesson from Elliot Spitzer!!!

How about Newt & Bill??? Bill came on Monica's skirt!!--classyyyy!

I'm outraged all about all these! Still there is a law says marriage is ONLY between man & woman!!! They should change that!!! It should be like "Marriage is ONLY between woman, man & housekeeper"

Or they should give options to these people!

a) ONLY between man, woman and intern

b) ONLY between man, woman and hooker

c) ONLY between man, woman and pool boy.

Don't worry about it!!!! Same sex couples could continue to suffer!--- Uuugghh!

That's why Z is giving his red nose award to ARNOLD!! Well! DESERVED!!

P.S. That anti gay Rick Santorum started annoying me!!! GOD knows!!! What kind skeletons he got in his closet!!!! -- Gardener?_:):)

OH WELL! Who cares about me! I'm a silly blogger who some times mumbles silly things....

A gay man's mother day whose mother lives miles away...

Sun, 8 May 2011 20:05:50 -0400

Today unconsciously I walked by the river. I wanted to take in this nice spring weather. It was unusually crowded. I was very surprised with the crowds. There were so many families, mothers and sons and even grandmothers. It downed on me it was mother's day today

I took this picture of an ordinary family. They seemed happy, loving and united. They reminded me my family.
Since I moved to NYC (ten years), I have not spent Mothers Day with my mother. It is long way to go to my country. In fact I was like that boy in this picture. I was completely disconnected with my family. I would be like that boy, checking my phone every second.
Those days I hated mother's and father's day. I found these special days so useless. I just wanted to be left alone.

Now! Look at me! I desperately want to be with my mom on Mothers Day. I looked at every each mother and son with envy today. I felt lonely, hopeless and desperate. I know I'm not lonely. I have a wonderful husband who cares about me. Maybe being thousands miles away from my mother made me so nostalgic and sad. I have never care about my father. Funny! He didn't care about me either. He is dead now, so it doesn't matter that much. Like every gay guy I always miss my mother.

Of course I called my mother very early morning today. I told her "Happy mother's day". Luckily my bother was with her. She was not alone. As every year she told me the same thing "Thank you son! I hope some day your son will wish you happy father's day"--Uuughh!

As much as I love my mother, she will never accept that I will never have a kid. She thinks I'm eccentric and the way I live is a phase. (I mean, me being gay!)
At this point!!! I don't care! I used to be very angry. I was angry to everything. I was angry to my father how he treated me. I was angry to my mother because she was clueless on my sexuality. Even I was angry to myself. What the hell was I like this? -- different than other boys!!!
Not anymore! As I grew up, I learned to accept how people were. I don't try to change people. I just get along or ignore them.
But I can't ignore my mother, I just fake-ly laughed her comment this morning as every year. Meanwhile my stomach was turning upside down.
Don't we all do? We love our mothers despite all their faults. Just like them they love us unconditionally.

I don't know what happened to me over the years. NOW! I miss old mothers days. I miss buying presents her for this day. I miss going to brunch with my family to celebrate this special day.

OH WELL! I guess I can't have it all. I was suffering as gay man in my country. I moved here. I felt free and safe. I guess, every rose has its thorn.
And in this case, NYC is my rose.....

Happy mothers day mother! I miss you a lot!

Pinkpanther is JUST for $40 million! Let's buy it!

Mon, 2 May 2011 15:05:25 -0400

Last Saturday morning while I was sipping my cinnamon-coffee, I saw that little article about Jeff Koons porcelain figure Pink Panther.

It was up to sale. Estimated price was $20 million to $40 million

My husband was lying next to me.

“Honey! Should we buy this?”

My honey looked at my face with his severely hangover eyes and said

“Yikes!”

I was sure he was questioning himself “Why the F did I get married with this crazy boy?!”

Anyway….

I said “We should buy it!!! It is outrages! It is UGLY! Something like Liberace would own!

“And something is new to break for our housekeeper Winifred!!!!”

Yeah! Have I mentioned about our housekeeper before?

Her name is Winifred. With my odd accent her name sounds like Win-Fred!

She has been working with my husband for 18 years. She comes once a week. She does laundry and cleans our apartment.

It sounds perfect.--- Well!!!!

She breaks everything. Vases, glasses, sink, shelves…

There is nothing she can’t break.

At some point I started buying everything in plastic even chairs…

I thought Jeff Koons piece would be perfect item for her to tear apart. Just like a nice, expensive birthday gift---Kidding….

Not that I have extra $20 million to spend for that shit. I mean! I don’t even have spare $99…

Let me tell more about Winifred. She is a black, heavy-set woman. She is mid-seventies with diabetic. She thinks Brian is her white son and I’m the bride-zilla

I’m very concerned about her health. Forget about her clumsiness! It is little dangerous to work at her age. But my husband refuses to let her go.

He always tells me “She is part of family”

OK! I get it but she forgets everything too. Couple weeks ago she asked my name. Helllllo Lady!!! Brian & I have been together for almost ten years.

You think, all these happening just because she is old.

NO!

She drinks while she works. You think it is water or sprite!!!

Straight vodka in a coffee cup!

REAL! I can swear on my expensive Fire Island summer share!!!

One past Thursday I was off. She came like 7 am in the morning, even though we told her to come at nine o’clock. SERIOUSLY?!!

She complained right away “I’m old, tired.”

I said “Good morning to you too--Win-Fred ! Why don’t you take some time off?”

“But I need money”

“OK! I’m off the gym! Bye!!!”

When I got back from gym, I WAS STUNNED.

Ella Fitzgerald was playing at background and Winidfred was singing her lungs out.

“My yellow basket! Tiny basket!” (something like that)

That tired woman was gone.

Her body was swinging like an enormous church bell.

The contrast between her appearance and lyrics was extreme.

Not to mention her wig was LOCATED on our red mid-modern century chair.

I couldn’t decide to laugh or cry..

She screamed “HEY!!! Welcome BACK! Let’s dance!”

I was like “OMG! OMG! OMG!”

What happened to her? Was she on something? What if she was!!—Was it prescription drug? Should I take the same thing too?

I gave her my fakest smile.. “Ha-uh-ha-ha-GUH!”

I ran to the kitchen. It smelled vodka.-- Weird!!!!?

The closer I got the sink, the stronger the smell of vodka got .

I realized a red coffee cup. I grabbed and smelled. it

JESUS! -POPE! & LADY GA GA!

She was having cocktail or pure alcohol at 10am in the morning.

All sorts of thoughts rushed through my pretty head.

“What am I going to do? What if she gat heart attack? Woman dances like spring chicken! OMG!! She will drop to death”

I ran to the bedroom and dialed my husband!!

I was whispering…

“Helllouuu!! Brian! It is me! Z!--- Your husband!!”

“Why are you whispering? I know who you are! Is this your new phone-sex voice?”

“Shut up! Listen to me@!@ We have a situation in our apartment!”

“What is it!!!??”

“Win-Fred! OMG!!!” I took a deep and loud breath!!!

“IS SHE OK?”

“Yeaahhh! She is more than OK!”

I opened the door and let my husband to listen to her Grammy award nominated performance

“My basket! Yellow basket! Tiny!......”

I shut the door immediately.

“BRIAN! Bitch is drunk!!!!”

“LOL! LOL! There is nothing wrong with that. I always tell her to have couple of cocktails.. She does that all the time. Don’t be mean!! Let poor woman have FUN!!”

“Are you CRAZY? She is 75 years old. Over 200 pounds! It is not fair to me to find massive, dead body on our carpet!!!’

“Z! Put yourself together!! Go! Get a drink for yourself! Chill out!!! She will be fine!!”

Drink 10 am in the morning? It sounds like Fire Island!!
I mumbled “MY GOD! Why can’t I have a normal life like other gay couples??? My husband, me & our two Chinese babies!!!. OH! A smelly cat!...”

P.S. She puked in our bathroom at the end of the day…. I’m just saying!

THE socks drawer

Thu, 3 Mar 2011 12:03:47 -0500

What is LOVE?..

How can I know he is still in love with me?..

How long would love last? .....

As much as relationships are amazing to be in, they can also be catastrophic. There are multiple signs that gives you signals your relationship is collapsing or is in best shape. (NO! Changing your status 'I LOVE YOU!" is not of them!)

If signs are really bad!!!

Can we avoid tragic end? ... Can we put aside our insecurities and jealousies? Or just let it go till our loves deteriorate and die..

I don't know!!! I'm not an expert on this "LOVE' subject. I learned as I went along. I will tell what I know. It doesn't mean it works for every couple.

Yes I'm in love! Brian is my first boy friend. Now! He is my husband actually.

It has been over nine years we have been together. We had good days and bad days.

Have I ever been worried if our relationship could end?...

Or Have I ever tested his feelings and royalties?....

Or Have I ever been scared there would be a possibility he would leave me?....

YES! YES! & YES! Many many times! How couldn't I?

I guess all come with territory. I learned to find answers to my concerns in our relationship. I followed the signs. Before I met him I felt empty even if I slept with who ever I wanted to. There are so many signs I could see if our relationship is on the right path or going down to drain. I'm sure every couple have these signs to keep the relationship on the right track.

Keep this between us! :) My biggest sign is THE socks drawer. No kidding! This is not a funny, silly Z joke! The socks drawer always reminds me how deep our love is.

Let me explain! ---

When we moved in together like 8 years ago. We merged our socks and put in one drawer before we had joint accounts and even before we put ring on our fingers.

Not that we wear the same size socks. On the contrary our sizes are totally different. I wear size 8 he wears size 10 (Yeah! He is big! Tee hee hee!)

Something about using the same socks even if they don't fit properly make me think that we can sacrifice and meet at the middle way. Some day he wears smaller socks. His feet barely fit in them. Other day I wear bigger socks. My feet swim in them The worst While I walk they get loose in my shoes. But we both make it work and smile.

I love our socks drawer. Every morning I open the socks drawer, I can literally hear Brian telling me 'I LOVE YOU". Every time I reach that drawer I remember how I'm proud to love him. I know as long as we keep the socks drawer, we will be together. Our socks drawer is our love drawer where we put our love in. It is pure, real and vulnerable. Nobody can touch our love but us...