zumalicious's Open Salon Blog

My Deepest Secret...For Tinkertink and his new friend

Mon, 28 May 2012 15:05:33 -0400

My deepest secret is so boring that it would slap everyone to sleep. If the OSI once told me that I was the most boring Top Secret background check they ever had to do, then imagine what my deepest secret is like.

How boring is my deepest secret? This is how boring Deepest Secret is: when all the other secrets go out to party, they never invite Deepest Secret! Deepest secret sits at home and cries until the other secrets feel bad. They stop by to leave leftover picnic foods, a bag of pinecones, and a dozen trout.

The other secrets knock on the door and run before Deepest Secret can invite them into a house that is a wonderland of cream-colored decor and accessories.

Deepest Secret is a man.

He is the the mold from which all homemade porn and fantasy is cast. His accomplishments in these fields are legendary.

He takes on many forms, including the well-hung island king, a much saner and better-looking black Sherlock Holmes, the alien conqueror who seeks to pleasure Earth women, and the nosy FBI agent who conducts his own variety of special probes.

I think that Deepest Secret should run for office and fight on my side in the war against women.

Now that my deepest secret has been revealed, I dare the rest of you to reveal yours.

My Book Plus More Writing Exercises...

Fri, 25 May 2012 14:05:30 -0400

Here are some more writing exercises for the brilliant scribes who populate Open saloon. When the muse is high or the muse is out partying, try these for a boost to the program.

Today's theme is about love and love scenes.

One:

This one is called "If Loving passive voice is wrong, then I don't wanna be right!" That's right! Indulge your love of passive voice. Let the sexy glamour of the monkish writing style come out of you!

Advanced writers can use this exercise to celebrate their love of passive-aggressive voice!

Two: Fan Fiction is nothing but home made porn.

1. Write a fan fiction piece on this theme: Sherlock Holmes actually knocks boots with The Lady In Red. Where would the boot-knocking go on? What would trigger the passionate episode? Would the orange car boot sale man from BBC be involved? Would Mycroft watch it all on secret camera because he's not getting any?

2. What if Pokemon transformed into human form...who would he be poking?

3. Imagine that Will Smith's character in the new "Men In Black III" is bumping uglies with a beautiful woman...what if she turns out to be Tony Shaloub? What alien body part would Will Smith slap first?

4. What if Android was a man and Apple was a woman? Who would go first? What would the first one be going at first? Who would be on the bottom? Would they get a room or go at it in a public spot?

Three: Exciting new words to add to your lexicon.

Try using these phrases to liven up your next ~~homemade porn~~ love scene.

Consumer culture

"...with Aloe and Vitamin E !"

The Koch Bros walked onto the filthy stage...

Global warming

Squeaky clean Sanchez

Hands across the world

For your reference, click here for a mind shakingly funny list of dirty words that should never be used in a love scene.

"Dash up the channel" and "hoe down" are my personal favorites!

As always, never let the absence of a good idea stop you from writing! Use writing exercises to keep the words flowing whether they need to or not!

Here's My e-book! Now I am a published author. Who's my publisher, Why Xenonlit Press, of course. ha ha!

My page at Amazon.com

NOTE! You do not need a Kindle tablet or a Nook tablet, you can download Kindle and Nook to:

your smartphone,

your computer and

your netbook!

It works just the same!

Also, if you have a rich friend, make them buy the book, then lend it to you for a week for free!

Do You Remember Writing Exercises? Well, Here Are Some.

Thu, 10 May 2012 02:05:20 -0400

We used to have writing exercises. They were a great way to stir the muse, juice up the day, and fresh the brain.

I thought that it would be good to throw out some writing exercises in the hopes that a real writer will come along and do it right!

EXERCISE #1: Tell about the day you went around a corner to fix an underwear wedgie and you fixed it. You turned around and saw that a crowd of people had been watching. What if the spectators were the van and camera crew from Publisher's Clearing House, and you were the wnner?

EXERCISE #2: Describe your last great Turducken adventure!

EXERCISE #3: You have two Twitter Accounts. Under one of them, you are a member of "Anonymous". Under another account, you converse with other national security personnel. You cross post your tweets for a week. What if no one notices? Would you report yourself to yourself?

EXERCISE #4: Tell us what you would do with the money you won from getting an EP at Open Saloon.

EXERCISE #5: What do you mean, you don't win money when you get an EP at Open Saloon?

EXERCISE #6: Is that screwed up or what?

EXERCISE #7: A woman is sitting at a cafe table, gazing at the Azure sea. A man approaches her, gives her a loving caress and then gives her a lingering kiss. She slaps him soundly. Who is he? Why did she let the kiss linger? WTF? Is she mental? Is she a ho?

EXERCISE #8: Two right wingers from one of them Carolinas walk into a gay biker bar in Sacramento, California. What is the next day's lunch special? Should California or one of them Carolinas put out the Amber Alert on the two right wingers from one of them Carolinas who walked into a gay biker bar in Sacramento, California?

That is all for today, fellow writers! Here's to a successful weekend of writing like there's no tomorrow! Wait...that is too depressing...Here's to a weekend of writing like yesterday was the day that everyone thought there was no tomorrow!

Wake up and smell the Koch Brothers, ALEC, and Astroturfing.

Sun, 6 May 2012 12:05:22 -0400

We do not know what is best for our personal, religious and political interests. We should believe everything that the right wing tells us. We should help them to merge church, corporation and state together.

Ultimately, we should let the Koch Brother's determine the course that America will take, even if that course is the most Anti-American and self destructive course in this nation's history.

Or, we can get to the truth of the matter: We cannot serve two masters. We cannot serve our apathy and serve our nation.

Astroturfing, ALEC and the Bastardization of America's Grassroots Political Traditions:

The American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC ) has formed the legislation that we have suffere under for a long time.

This article, "Inside the ALEC Dating Service" describes how the right wing has courted and scored with many politicians.

Astroturfing, or creating fake grassroots organizations with Koch Brothers and other 1 percent money is nothing new. Americans for Prosperity, ALEC, and a slew of other groups are not real grassroots organizations. These organizations are tools used to convince tens of millions of Americans to take extremist right wing positions on hundreds of issues. The Koch Brothers could not care less about the right wing or the religions; they want us to reshape our own government, our markets and our lives to serve their will.

The Major Players: The Koch Brothers and Tim Phillips.

We cannot serve the Koch Brothers and serve the best interests and will of the American people.

The Koch Brothers own a comprehensive program for changing American government, politics, markets and society to suit their purposes. They have a vast fortune to distribute to extremist right wing political and religious causes. The Supreme court gave the Koch Brothers two priceless gifts, corporate personhood and political action committees through which untold wealth could be passed on to extort, bribe and control our local state and Federal lawmakers.

The Koch Brothers Exposed is a film that will be released by streaming video on May 8. There will be screenings all over the United States, and the website has the locations. Also DVDs are for sale. Everyone should know about this film and about these men.

Tim Phillips is the Koch Brother's most powerful"Astroturfing" operative in the United States. "Astroturfing" means to build a huge structure of fake grassroots groups. Phillips is responsible for building the central astroturf organization, "Americans For Prosperity".

Governor Scott Walker's function was to remake the state of Wisconsin into the Koch Brothers own political and social laboratory. It has been well discussed how, if things go over in Wisconsin, then the same moves will happen in other states of the union.

In robotic fashion, he has added the War On Women to his long list of groundbreaking and anti-American nonsense.

Add the War On Women to his voter disenfranchisement, his deliberate and willful refusal to create jobs, the takeover of cities where Brown gives his political cronies dictatorial powers, and his mounting legal and criminal problems, and Scott Brown takes the prize for being the biggest Koch Brothers tool in history.

Americans for Prosperity (AFP) pushes Koch Brother's money out to a huge number of fake grassroots organizations. According to ThinkProgress Health,

"...a familiar pattern AFP has used for their other front groups: create a new stand alone website, fill it with lines like “We are people just like you” to give the site a grassroots feel, and then use the new group to recruit supporters and run deceptive advertisements attacking reform. This “astroturfing” model has been used by AFP to launch groups pushing distortions against other progressive priorities,"

The Deviant and Extremist Religious Right.

We cannot serve the religious right and serve God.

Look for religious groups like the the Freedom Federation, the American Family Association, the Family Research Council, and Concerned Women for America. Such groups as Generals International and Morningstar Ministries are part of the coalition of deviant religious groups.

All of them are linked in some way to Tim Phillips, the Koch Brothers, astroturfing, and Americans for Prosperity.

Tim Wildmon is a religious and political opportunist who ties into the Koch Brother's agenda for America. When he brings the president into his diatribes, he insinuates that the president has a legal obligation to be a religious leader. Our government is founded on separation of church and state.

Right Wing Watch has this to say about Tim Wildmon:

"According to the AFA’s Tim Wildmon, the nation’s problems, including “the Obama administration’s blatant attempt to destroy religious freedom in this country” are evidence of what’s wrong with our nation: “As a people, we have divorced ourselves from God.”

Tony Perkins is the Family Research Council president and is another blatant religious and political opportunist. He is the Greenwell Springs Baptist Church pastor and is a former Republican Louisiana assemblyman. He is attacking the President on religious terms. He signs letters like this one from the Family Research Council.

Dennis Terry wants us to go with his deviant, radical and extremist religious and political positions or "get out of the country".

James Dobson founded the Family Research Council and used a wide to round up charismatic opportunists who are ready to keep the religious war at a peak. They must, because they have become wealthy and politically powerful through the only way they know: by preying on those who are weak minded and susceptible to the works of religious predators.

Gays and Lesbians are a major target of escalating calls for violence, uttering false biblical references, and suspiciously obsessive personal interest by male religious zealots.

We cannot serve as Jesus did and serve as the religious right dictates.

Dominic Dieter is an Ohio disc jockey who thought that he knows what is best for his listeners. He gave counsel to a listener who was whining that his daughter was gay. Dieter advised the listener to have a friend "get one of your friends to screw your daughter straight".

Dr. Patrick Wooden is the Religious Right's newest star. He appears to get pleasure from focusing on the anal problems that he claims to have heard from gay men. According to Daily Kos,

"He claims that the medical community is suppressing the truth about the medical problems of homosexuals as it would make people “gag and no one would want to be in a lifestyle like that,” arguing that by the time gay mean reach their middle ages they “have to wear a diaper or a butt plug just to be able to contain their bowels” because of “what happens to the male anus.”

Race plays a big part of the Koch Brother's and the racist right Republican agenda.

We people of color cannot serve God and serve a nation of deadly, racist laws.

The astroturf is full of racism, race baiting opportunism, and white supremacy. When has an American presidental candidate lost because he resorted to a racist campaign?

Here is a survey of the deviant religious right's money-fueled agenda from Alter Net. It is a must-read item titled "Exposing The Christian Right's New Racial Playbook".

Two racist and deadly programs are in action right now. First is the ongoing spate of outright "Murders by cop". There is no excuse for the recent cop killings of innocent black, poor white, mentally ill, and other Americans. Those cops simply continue to terrorize the streets without any sanctions or punishments.

The second murderous plot came in the form of boilerplate "Stand Your Ground" laws. These laws were intended to be enforced with bias toward the whitest killers or victims. They are being enforced with bias against the darkest skinned people involved.

A combination of ALEC boilerplate laws, lobbying, political action committee extortion, and campaign donation bribery has intimidated even those who oppose ALEC boilerplate.

ALEC has ensured that the weakest states in the union pass these laws often without reading them or paying attention to the opposition. The Koch Brothers are behind this plot because ALEC is a Koch Brothers tool.

The War on Women has been declared and the battle is on.

Women cannot serve deviant male supremacy and serve anything or anyone else.

The Koch Brothers have opened Pandora's box and Pandora is not happy. DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz has been calling out Republicans who barge forward with laws that seek to limit women’s access to health and reproductive services, to legalize discrimination in pay and work rules, and to otherwise create as many negative impacts for women as possible.

This nation's fake Republican party is pushing a White and male supremacist agenda in intent and action.

In state after State, ALEC is opening new fronts in the war on women. Most Americans have heard of extremist anti abortion, anti planned parenting, anti birth control, anti health care and anti welfare laws. All are aware of aggressive and unconstitutional intrusions into women's private affairs and bodies by government and corporate interests.

Summary: We cannot serve two masters: We will start to love one and hate the other.

All of the above means that America is being taken over by the most evil social, corporate, religious and political cabal in American history. The extreme right and religious conservatives had better get themselves real about serving two masters.

Those people have become full of themselves. They have lost sight of the truth: They cannot serve God and the Koch Brothers. They cannot serve God and white or male supremacy. They cannot serve God and their rabid radio DJ's. They cannot serve God and the Republican party as it stands. They cannot serve God and the charismatic, powerful or wealthy creeps who tell them what to do.

It is a responsibility and a service for all voting Americans to read and understand what is going on in America. In November, we must stop them before a minority of wrong turns our nation into the most powerful rogue nation in the world.

Pirate Wimmin Etiquette Sexinar and Spammer Roast Party!

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 14:04:44 -0400

This is officially a Pirate Wimmin Party, folks. It will go on all week.

That means who cares when you got here?

Poor Woman is the official DJ! She has the jams what am, so pop over there, too!

History:

The first Pirate Wimmin insurrection took up two weeks of Open Saloon's time...let's bring back the spirit and tone of the greatest force in social write-working!

Dedicated to the great General JK Brady, of course.

Just pop in whenever you feel like it....

Sail the high (but classy) seas of Pirate Wimmin deliciously polite and sexy partying!

Yarrrrrr!

PINATA COOKIES TUTORIAL

neutron drinks!

The party is on until it is off, folks, so join in. Grab a haunch of meat and pinch from each other's plates. We have food galore and mens so naked that they are weeping.

Virtual Partying

Make sure that the invitations go out early, to allow maximum attendance.

Do not wait until the last minute on Sunday, 29 April, 2012 to announce that the...

Pirate Wimmin and Men’s party

starts right here at this post at

4 p.m. PST today! Bring Rum,

candy

and meat!

Do make sure to put out plenty of virtual cushions, hand sanitizer, and first aid kits.

Make sure that the food is plentiful and that the drink is not toxic.

Toilet wine is not acceptable libation for a Pirate Wimmin party.

Make sure that meat is cut into fist sized portions.

Summary

The Wild, wild web (WWW) offers many opportunities to socialize, mix it up and show it off. The rules of social etiquette insure a smooth, functional place for getting it on with style and glam.

As always....

Dont Hog It All!!!!

Bring Cake, bling, high fashion

clothing, Jimmy Choo shoes, and

lobster! We will roast a spammer

today! Spammer for all!